i apologize now for the length, i will try to shorten it where i can, but i am finally telling a two year story. and it feels amazing to let it out.

Let me say i hid this relationship from my parents. my mom figured it out eventually and sort of accepted it since he lives 500 mi apart and wouldnt see me often my dad is just now starting to be let in on the fact that i even talk to him now he isnt happy about it. Kyle's family knows nothing about us except his brother knows he is interested in someone. i dont really have friends at school just somee people i sometimes talk to but if it got out at school just yet Jane could find out.

people: me, my boyfriend "Kyle", his soon to be ex wife "Jane" and their kid

i am 18, kyle is 26. we have been togetehr for 2 years. we knew eachother for 3 years before we got together. he lives 500 mi away from me, we are in a long distance relationship. im about to graduate and this summer im going to move out there with him. we have planned this since we got together. when we got together we knew we would be together for real, this wasnt a fling. he has never taken advantage of me or my age and he has always been respectful to me. he had been married for 5 years before we got together and was still married. he was very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. we told eachother how we felt and he decided he would leave Jane. about 2 months after we got together, she pressured him to sleep with her. Kyle didnt tell me till the next month when they found out she was pregnant. he told me that night and i wasnt angry. i cried and accepted it (as well as i could at the time) and he said he would break up his relationship with jane faster. the next few weeks he started telling her he was leaving. and she insisted that they try to work on it. he said he would so his family couldnt say he didnt try. (his family is very christian and dont believe in divorce) after a month he said he wasnt gonna try anymore and was gonna move back to his moms before christmas. she tried to get him to stay till she had the kid, but i told him if he did then he would never feel like he could leave her and i wasnt gonna deal with that. so he left before christmas when he parents moved back in to live with her. Jane's aunt offered to pay for a marriage counselor, and Kyle accepted so maybe they could work towards a better divorce. i began getting more and more jealous bc while he spent most of his time at his mom's talkin to me, he would still go to these sessions with Jane, and they went to a child care class together. i told him i didnt want him to go anymore and he finished out the child care classes and stopped going to the counseling with jane. i told him how i felt but i felt bad about my feelings so i didnt tell him everything i felt or to the extent i felt it. but we worked together and i started getting less jealous and working towards a comfortable balance about his kid. jane had the kid a week and a half after my birthday. it wasnt a good day i knew i wouldnt handle it well, and he knew too. after that i began working to get back to the point that i could start being comfortabel with it again. i had gotten so low that i cant watch movies or commercials even with babies in them, i cant read books that mentions babies, i couldnt enjoy the child development class i had taken that i looked forward to taking for years, i cant even hardly type the word. i didnt seem to be spending much time around Jane anymore so i was feeling better. then one day he said he was going to see his friend. his friend was an older man who was dying from cancer, and Kyle respected this man and looked up to him and was really good friends with him. Kyle told me his phone was messed up so he would text later i said ok. then he didnt text me. and he still didnt text me. and he still didnt text me some more. i began getting really worried. i jump to conclusions when he doesnt text me for long periods of time and i worry that something has happened to him. i know if somethimg did happen i wouldnt find out till days later because know one out there knows that we are together. i didnt hear from him for 24 hours (which never happened we talked all day everyday) and i was crying and upset. i found his moms phone number on an online phone book and called her and pretended to be a coworker. she told me he was on a family vacation. i was distraught. i cried i was angry i felt betrayed. he texted me a few hours later and said he was on his way home from his friends, and i said really? coz i heard you were on a family vacation. and he called me and told me he went to see his kid on the first time out of the country. i was so angry at him for lying and it reminded me of him never telling me about sleeping with Jane til he absolutely had to. i made him feel aweful and he told me he used the excuse of meeting his mom for lunch to babysit his kid but he had never used his friend before. we talked it out and put it behind us to move forward. when he babysat i told him i wouldnt talk to him while he was there. and he understood why. and that was our life for the next 8 months. we were fine and happy. he moved out around christmas and got us an apartment and a new job. he works really long hours and sleeps a lot. so since he took that job we dont get to talk as much. my birthday was 2 months later and we had been waiting for my 18th birthday since we first got together over 600 days of waiting and waiting and we were both excited. but the day before my birthday (he was gonna drive out here on my birthday to spend the weekend together) his kid got sick. so he said he would come out the next weekend. i got really angry and jealous and blamed his kid. (i know thats not right and it wasnt her fault but i couldnt help myslef) after a day or two i decided i was just going to be happy that he was coming out to see me. which he did. and we spent the weekend together and had a really amazing time. then he had to leave for work. his kids birthday was 3 or 4 days later and i knew it wouldnt be easy for me, but i figured he'd spend the day with her. well he ended up spending the day before her birthday with her and the day of her birthday didnt really talk to me. turns out Jane has been using his kid to get back at him for leaving her. and so its been making him upset. they had the party that saturday. he said hed be gone for 3 or 4 hours. he left at 9 that morning and i didnt hear from him till 11 that night. he had fallen asleep on Janes couch with his kid, and told Jane to wake him up an hour later. she never did. Janee took the kid to her room, and went to her own bed and went to sleep leaving Kyle sleeping on the couch. i was so angry and he told me what happened and i blamed him, i blamed Jane, and i blamed the kid. i was so mad. the next day we hardly spoke. and for the last couple weeks we havent hardly spoken. he wakes up for work and doesnt text me when he gets there so i never know if he even made it on time then he come home when i wake up to go to school and he texts me once or twice. and then he does the same thing that day. then the next day he sleeps all day. then he may wake up to see his kid. i feel like he doesnt think our relationship is as important as it has been for the last 2 years, and on easter he woke me up at 9 and seemed to be in a good mood i thought "well maybe today will be a good day for us then" after 4 or 5 texts he completely stopped talking to me till that night and said he spent the whole day sulking and watching movies. (i assume he didnt see his kid) which i understand that he loves her and wants to be there for her, but i feel like he doesnt even want to try to be happy any other times.he says he still loves me and he wants to come to my graduation and open house and stuff. but i feel like we dont talk. and ive tried to talk to him but he wont hardly open up to me like he used to and i feel like i almost have to just push him and push him and push him till he just bursts and tells me what he's feeling. and i dont want to do that. ive tried backing off doing that and now he just says "maybee we'll talk about it tomorow." and i know we wont. thats what he told me yesterday and we havent talked all day, the only text ive gotten from him was at 9 when he said he was up. i couldnt reply coz i was at school, but even when i did reply he didnt reply to me. he was supposed to work tonight and i have no idea if he got there or not he usually texts on a break but he hasnt. tonight im really worried about him and i know he needs space but its so hard for me to give him space bc i dont want him to get so depressed like he was before we got together. i am so scared that somethin may happen to him and i know i couldnt live without him. we have put so much time and love and emotion and energy into this relationship and i dont want to give it up. i knwo we can work it out if we could just stop and talk but its so hard to get any time together. and he says he wont givee up on us and i am not going to either, but im scared that he feels like things wont get better. i want to go to counseling when i move out there with him but i dont know how to tell him that. and he really doesnt have much money so i dont how we would pay for it. well thank you to whoever took the time to stop and read this, i feel so much better just being able to let this out. i cant keep journals bc my dad or mom would read them. and my mom knows most of what is going on but she doesnt know Kyle has a kid she is going to be really mad to find out and my dad is going to be angry that we are even together and i know its not going to go over well but im going to leave before they can really be angry. thank you again to anyone who read this i appreciate it and am feeling better having let it out.


Answers


Karma
2754 days ago
Hey amiwrong.

Quite a stressful life you have been living the past couple of years. I warn you now, you probably aren't going to like what I have to write. It's good you got it out though...It's about time!! It sounds like ge doesn't want to completely let fo of his life with Jane. I know you feel like you have soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much invested in this relationship, but think about what he feels like he has invested in his relationship with Jane. The kid throws a whole new dilema ino this thing too and you have to realize that the kid is part of him. Would you want to be with somebody who never wants to see their kid, who doesn't love their kid and want to spend as much time as possible with them? The horrible part of it is Jane comes along with that responsibility. It would not be a good idea to even request that he doesn't see his kid. You will always be his second priority.

After considering this, if you still want him, set some boundaries. This should be easier now that you are of legal age. Ask him to text you when he gets to work cause you worry so much. Tell me you just want to make sure it's ok. Even if it's just a one wor text to ease your mind. Ask to be more a part of his life.

Keep in mind you have your whole life ahead. Do you really want to waste it with this untrustworthy guy? How often is he "going to fall asleep on Jane's --couch--"???? You may be young but you don't have to be naive. He can spend time with his kid but there is no reason for him to sleep there and not communicate with you for days.



lyrical_chula
2754 days ago
Hi amiwrong

first off i wanna start by saying i understand your situation completely. being in a relationship with someone that has other main priorities is hard. so i applaud you for the time and effort that you have put into your relationship.i also want you to know that if you work hard, things will eventually work out for you.

the reality of the situation is this, once he had a kid, everything changed. it did not change because he wanted it to but because that is what life threw at him. with this type of relationship, it will be hard to trust him especially because he does not live with you and still has a relationship with jane. with his daughter in the picture, jane will always find a way to torture him or lure him back in. it is up to you to strengthen your relationship.

here is my suggestion. set time aside for the 2 of you and make some ground rules that will help the both of you and that you 2 are comfortable with. if that means you want a text in the morning and when he gets to work then he might want a phone call at a certain time of the day. you knew the type of relationship he was in when you started dating, so yes you can be upset and jealous but you have to respect the situation because you would want your child's father to be involved. so when you set your ground rules, make sure that it can benefit the both of you and make your relationship and communications somewhat better

best of luck,LC



drjean
2753 days ago
(((amiwrong))) well... I don't like to use the word "wrong" because it's a non-sequitur. Is all this in your own best interest? I think no.

I know you feel like an adult, but you are still a teenager. You have many experiences ahead of you, whereas your friend is beginning to settle into his...but is he? He's already married with a child and now he's going to bust that up because of someone (you) he met but doesn't have a real relationship with? I think he doesn't know what he wants or needs either. You truly don't know each other, sorry. I know that isn't what you want to hear.

So it comes down to this, for me. If you are the adult, and you surely are trying to make adult decisions, then there will be no problem with sitting and discussing all this with your parent. And not just sitting and telling, but discussing it and coming to an adult decision and perhaps compromise. Parents are there for a reason, and now is a good time to listen to advice.

I think the age difference is way too great in your relationship with this guy. He's using you. You're using him maybe as an older figure that you missed having in your own life growing up, perhaps.

I'm glad you wrote, because if nothing else it proves to yourself that you don't think this is the right thing to do... for your own good. No, I think this relationship is not in your own best interest. You don't deserve to be treated this way, even long distance, and moving there will cut off all of your own contacts and support system and things you know and feel comfortable with... and are you also going to be strapped with his child to take care of? What about your own life?

This is one of those times when "love is blind" might apply. You aren't seeing the negatives of this situation. I hope you will go against what you are telling yourself, about how great this will be ... and stay where you are and find yourself. Good wishes.



gypsy317
2064 days ago
I wonder what happened with this situation