My fiancé and I have been together for two years, I love him more than anyone. And I do know I would love to spend my life with him. The problem is the trust and lying in our relationship. He says he loves me too, and I believe him, but his actions make me not be able to trust him. We want to make things work but we just don’t know how.

For the last year and a half he has been cheating on me on and off with different girls, it wasn’t until I found out, and befriended one of the girls that he told me what he has done. There has been more than one girl, probably 6 to be exact, more than once, separated through the past year and a half. A few months ago, I cheated on him with an old ex to "get back at him" on a couple occasions but realized that was a horribly wrong thing to do. Afterwards I confronted him about it, he left me for two months and we recently just got back together.

He tells me he is done cheating, and he wants to fix all the things he has done wrong, but im not sure how to go about doing that, or if there is even anything left to try and fix. Anytime we try to, it seems that neither of us knows what to do, and it becomes a blame game- "how do I know you aren’t out there cheating" and so on or anytime I do not tell him something, he thinks I am "hiding something". It is obvious we have both hurt each other quite a bit, but have come back to each other to try and find the love we had before for each other. He has two children from previous relationships and they both are like my kids to me.

Personally, my problem is I do not know how to trust him anymore, and I feel like when he is not talking to me, or with me, even though sometimes it is irrational, that he MUST be cheating on me. When we are together we are happy, but it is when he isn’t here, or is gone with the military, I always have those lingering questions in the back of my head. Or I am with friends that he seems to think that something is wrong I am trying to get back with my ex, and so on.

We have given each other passwords to each others email accounts, and he also broke things off with the girls he was seeing, and we made promises that I would not talk to the other guy I cheated on him with. We both jealous people to start with, but now even more so when one of us is around the opposite sex.

I guess my question over all, is how we build that trust back, because the love is still there. And how do we start over clean without bringing in the past?



Answers


Kaworu
2761 days ago
Go out to a restaurant, book a hotel, go on holiday and share some rather happy moments.. It is the easiest way. If that doesn't work then try a break from each other and see how you both feel about it.



Edahn
2761 days ago
Hm. I don't hear that there's a lot of love. I hear that there's a lot of interest in possessing the other person. I don't call that love, though other people do. Love, to me, is a simpler of feeling close and to feel close you need trust. Not just trust that he won't cheat (which you don't have) but trust that it's okay to be who you are (which I don't think you have, based on what you said).

Is it irretrievably lost? Not necessarily. But you're going to have to put in a lot of effort into (1) developing discipline so that you don't cheat on one another and begin to BELIEVE that you won't cheat on one another (2) learn how to not AUTOMATICALLY REACT to jealous impulses and instead either let them go, be mindful of them, or talk it through (3) learn how to talk to one another with care, rather than blaming to gain an upper hand and (4) learn to be intimate with one another without being needy, that is, without needing the other person to be a certain way or to feel certain things for you or to prove anything. Just learning to be with each other.

This is a lot of work. There may be some part of this plan that you need to learn for OTHER relationships (dealing with jealousy, intimacy) but with all the cheating that's already eroded the foundation of trust, it's going to be even harder. If you don't have kids with this guy, then I would certainly suggest you move on, give yourself time to heal and reflect, and find someone new. In my personal experience, when there's so much jealousy and possessory-style love, it's a sign that you don't get along well normally and need something more to feel close.

Good luck to you.



bella
2761 days ago
Good advice from the other posters. I think in order to get back together, you both need to know why he needed to cheat. You know why you cheated, but why did he cheat? Six different women is alot and I'm wondering if he has an addiction to sex? If you both want to try again, I think you/he need to enter couples counselling. Unless he finds out why he cheated, he won't be able to be trusted.

If you want to decide you want to try again, you both need to pledge, never to cheat. From that point on, the slate is cleared, meaning neither of you will bring up the past or look for reasons to doubt one another. I don't think you should make marriage plans until you have a trial period to see how it goes. Good luck.


Here's a real answer. A two-parter. And all there is. (1) You resolve never to cheat. And don't. And you resolve to trust. Keep telling yourself, I will trust, and if I waver, I will forgive MYSELF and move on. What will happen? You will be happy. UNLESS - he can't stop being a cheater. An honestly trusting heart is not a deaf-dumb-blind-stupid heart. Cheating comes out; a lot of it will come out fast. You said "six months." Not long in a relationship for it to come out. Bet it takes less this time. And you've already cleaned the slate once, and the cheating was not a "mistake" for either one of you. This restart is a one-and-only. Can't be done again, unless you are plumb crazy.

(2) If either one of you, or both, can't do that, just can't, there is one other way. It's a sure thing. You both agree that CHECKING UP and PROVING will become a way of life for some time to come. You both will tweet or call to say what you are doing and where several times a day. Random phone calls any time to see if you are really at the office, that's OK. Travel alone? Call frequently. Receive calls frequently. It's OK to check with the hotel, confirm the alleged sales meeting, etc. Work out the details for the check-and-prove system together. It's irksome. You both "deserve" to be irked. It's not worse for him than for her. It's not unfair. If the first draft isn't tough enough, it's OK to tighten up. Gradually, check-and-prove will become a habit, not so bad. Maybe the day comes when you can both replace the decision to prove and check with a decision to trust. BUT NOT FOR QUITE A WHILE. Now,(1) may just not be possible for both of you. It amounts to a pledge YOU will keep unconditionally, understanding you can't control him (and vice versa). Considering how totally crappy you have been treating one another, it's asking a hell of a lot to go the "trust route." But then (2) must be your choice. True love, and already existing cheating, demand no less. But if one of you needs check-and-prove, just needs it, and the other won't have it -- you know the answer. He (or she) won't meet your needs. As big and justifiable a need as the obvious need for love itself. Can you go on with someone who refuses to give you what you need? Live on with someone who says, "Her (or his) vital needs are expendable, when the other person 'needs' not to meet them"? Say you won't do that, please?



Edahn
2760 days ago
I still think you need to contemplate what real love is. Don't just take someone's word or catchphrase like "love is always being there". Forget that. Look at the healthiest relationships, the ones that have the most joy, not just the ones we're fed in movies and TV, and ask what they have. Look at what they don't have, too. Then ask if your relationship now with your fiance is anything close to that. If not, can it become that? What will it take? Is it beyond repair? Perhaps repairing isn't even the issue and compatibility is the issue. These are all important questions you need to reflect on before getting married and having a kid.

A wise therapist would probably be a wise choice.