Avatar Posted by wendyg 54 days ago (Question)
I met my boyfriend 3 years ago and from the first meeting I felt he was shut down emotionally. He has very few close relationships, had a five year old daughter that he saw once every 2 weeks and hasn't spoken to his father in 25 years{who was abusive}. He has the capability to be very loving with me but it is all contingent on whether I act in the"correct way 'according to his standards which I think are extremely rigid.
He objectifies sex and basically calls it a biological urge like eating.We have many debates over the "right road to people being fulfilled and satisfied. I say one of the primary sources of contentment for people are relationships and that he doesn't have one speaks volumes about his emotional dysfunction. He says he's happy the way he is but he's also admitted to being suicidal in his past and having depression. We've gone to couples therapy which he didn't seem to think did anything. He doesn't see his emotional numbness as a problem but maybe if a qualified professional said it was he would see it differently...what do you think?


Answers

Written by Chemar 54 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

have you suggested individual counseling for him?

the fact that his expression of love to you is conditional upon you behaving according to his "rules" speaks to me of someone who does have issues that need to be resolved. In addition his admission to depression and suicidal thoughts speaks volumes! Perhaps he is afraid to feel because of the abusive childhood?

His emotional coldness is obviously impacting you deeply.

That isnt healthy in a relationship as it can lead to a silent resentment.

I do hope he will at least consider going to see a professional therapist

Written by Clyde 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Chemar. The idea that he feels his love to you is contingent on you acting "right" with his rules, makes it sound like he is very structured internally and emotionally--which could be a good thing, yet setting you up to only be loved if you do his things--that makes the emotional detachment shine through.

He definitely needs to see an individual therapist (by himself) and get some kind of help. Your relationship is depending upon it.

Best,

Clyde


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