Avatar Posted by amberdlandscaper 26 days ago (Question)
I am a 30 year old woman who has been dating a man about the same age for about 1 year and 8 months. We met in church and hit it off right away. We enjoy a lot of the same activities, and we are affectionate and respectful of each other, to the most part. He rants and raves about me, commenting that I am such a good woman and I am so sweet, etc... I think that he is a very good man, too.
Every once in a while though, I go over to visit him and I can tell something is really bothering him. I can feel that he is feeling angry about something. I will probe him to see what's up, and he proceeds to tell me that I don't communicate enough. He tells me he observes me with other people and that I "repulse" some of them. He has a picture in his mind of how he wants me to behave, and I don't fit in that picture, I guess. He is a small business owner who has a dream of one day owning a huge company and making a lot of money. He wants me to be the kind of woman who is very social and hangs out with important people. I get confused during these episodes because I don't know exactly what he wants me to do. I know and admit that I am not the most social person. I have friends, though, and to my knowledge I haven't "repulsed" anyone.
We've been through about 8 or so of these episodes. They become hours long, stressful conversations with me trying to clarify what he wants from me. The last episode, which was one week ago, he told me that his mind is telling him to break up with me but his heart says not to. (We are engaged with no set wedding date.)
I get so frustrated when he springs these on me. We'll be going merrily along for weeks and I'll think everything is fine and that he is happy with me, and then he'll tell me he is unhappy. He also does this in a way where I feel like he is attacking me. He doesn't go about it in a way that we could both work together on this problem he perceives. After talking for hours he finally realizes that we need to be in this together and he comes up with a solution where we both work on this problem. The problem is that he never lives out this solution, and he eventually attacks me again.
I think we are misunderstanding each other. I want to know if this will ever be resolved or if he might never be completely happy with me.
I know this letter is probably so confusing. I will reply with more information if anyone needs clarity. I just want some honest, mature input from other perspectives. Thank you.



Answers

Written by AppleJuiceGirl 26 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

This does seem confusing. Not the way you worded your post, but just the behavior of your boyfriend. I think you should keep "tabs" on certain situations -- and see if there's any correlation between his episodes and the previous circumstances. It may not be about how you act socially with others, but maybe the context of the situation (at a bar, at church, etc.). You might find a pattern.

Secondly, I hate to say this, but it sounds like he's trying to be controlling. Saying very mean things like you "repulse" people, that could be his way of making you ashamed of something you haven't even done - or something he has deluded his mind into thinking that you've done. I mean, I assume you're not going around flashing people. It sounds like he wants to mold YOU into HIS ideal lifestyle (a lifestyle that doesn't even exist for him at this point). If you're not acting inappropriately then I don't think he should be worried about this.

If you're going to stick with this guy, you should find the root of the problem and then decide for yourself whether or not it actually is a problem. Ask him EXACTLY what it is you do that bothers him -- quite literally ask him for a play by play. Decide for yourself if that behavior or circumstance is a "problem" or if he's just over reacting. I think you'll find your answer once you figure him out.

Written by Chemar 26 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

it sounds to me like he has issues he needs to deal with and it is very wrong of him to be projecting these onto you

unless he gets help in working thru them, he is likely to only intensify this after you are married so I really would suggest you urge him to go for counseling, preferably to a qualified behavioral therapist. It would also be a very good idea if you and he had pre marital counseling at your church, if they hopefully offer that service.

hope he takes responsibility and seeks help!

Written by bellacutie 26 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree it will only get worse as the relatonship progresses

What specifically is he unhappy with? If your conversation go on for hours, that's a bad sign.

Written by Fpsy 25 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Amber,

Your partner is trying to mould you into someone that he wants you to be. But if he truely loved you, he would accept you the way you are.

You should not have to change, and be someone your are not, just to please your boyfriend. I would be angry and hurt if my boyfriend said others were repulsed by me. This is not how someone communicates in a healthy way to their partner.

Like some others have suggested, I get a sense that he is trying to control you and I wonder how much longer it will be before he starts to become more abusive. Men who abuse their partners typically behave in cycles like your describe. They go through days of going over the top with how wonderful they find there partner, only to change and become controlling and abusive. Then the cycle begins again.

I also worry about his lifestyle choices of wanting to make heaps of money and hang out with important people. There's nothing wrong in wanting to be financially secure, but to do it, so that you can hang out with important people and be a socialite, sends warning alarm bells to me.

I think you should seriously rethink your relationship with your boyfriend. Love is unconditional, someone loves you the way you are, not what they want you to become.

Written by amberdlandscaper 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks so much to all of you for the well thought out answers. I will try to talk to him now that the storm has blown over from last week and try to find out what it is that I do that angers him so. I have mentioned pre-marital counseling before to him and he seemed okay with the idea. So, I think I'll go ahead and schedule that. I know we need help since this stuff keeps coming up. Thanks again.

Written by Clyde 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think I would get out if I were you. He doesnt like you the way you are, he never will like you period.

Best,

Clyde


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