Hello. I am a 28 yr old male, and my wife is 24. We have been married for almost a year now, and have been together for about 4 years now. We have a home together, and my wife (and I) have a 7 year old daughter from my wife's previous marriage at a very young age.

A little about me: I come from a pretty religious "christian" family, even though I am not very religious myself. My parents have been married for over 30 years, most of my family has been married for a long time. I have had lots of past relationships since I was 16 as far as emotionally and sexually. Some of them good, some of them pretty bad, but I have always been a faithful partner. I was in the Marine Corps reserves for 4 years right out of high school, and do trade work which I enjoy. I don't consider myself the most smart person in the world, but I do consider to myself to have a "doctorate in common sense"

My wife: From a all over the place family (half of them just a mess). Her birth father left her mother at a young age. Her mother re-married and had another daughter (total of 3) which she took care of most of her young teens. She got pregnant from her first boyfriend when she was 15, had her daughter Haly at 16, and married at 17 despite her birth father dis approving. Her marriage fell apart when he went into the Army and began having relations with other women. She also had a relationship with another girl after her divorce for a short time. Despite the crazy family life, she graduated High School with a 4.0 GPA, continued into college after we met, has finished her associated degree, and working on her bachelors. She works as a paralegal at a local law firm.

The problems we have are such: I am a very open and honest person, sometimes to the point of no discretion. I also inherit a short temper and lack of patience from my father's side of the family and the military. I have been trying very hard the last several years to be more calm and relaxed, looking back at my childhood and realizing that's not the husband or father I want to be.

We argue all the time about mis-communications, little things that don't get done around the house, and etc. that normal people argue about. We try to resolve them without the arguing, but it seems like my wife has a problem letting go, and bringing up faults in the past. I on the other hand sometimes loose my temper at the start and need a few minutes to collect my thoughts and have an adult conversation. This in the past has not worked well because my wife thinks that my lack of emotion means that I do not care about the situation. When really I am just trying to be level headed and rational. The mix of things has left her keeping herself up all night crying, or leaving the house all together.

Also she is looking to have another child. I would like to have a child, but I think it is too soon and would like to enjoy being newly weds and work on us and our new family. So the sex part really is stressing us out. We both work full time, she goes to school part time, and out daughter is in second grade. When I am stressed I tend to avoid sexual encounters, since many of my last relationships were based on sex, and i have found that using sex to solve your relationship problems doesn't work. I know this is not good to take out on my wife, and I am trying to work on it. Also another thing that bothers me is that when we first met, my wife used to work out every day, if not every other day. Now she doesn't work out at all, and lets just say after having one child, things don't look the way they should at 24 (She is 6ft tall, 148lbs, not big by any standards, so I'm not saying she is over weight). I have tried to be sympathetic to this and help however I can. I work outside every day, so I am in pretty good shape for getting close to 30(I am also 6ft tall, and 167lbs). When we first met we would have sex quite a bit, but now we may have sex a few times a month. She hasn't been on any type of birth control for over 2 years, and we haven't necessarily been not trying to conceive a child if you know what I mean. So the weight of me possibly not able to have kids weighs into it as well. Lately she has been a spree looking on my computer to see if I have been looking at porn or whatever instead of having sex with her. Yes I do watch the occasional porn, but would never replace that with the real thing. I just don't feel like having sex with an emotionally unstable woman who forgets our goals before we have another child. Add in the fact that 3 of her cousins and her younger sister have had babies in the past year, and a couple of our friends are expecting, and I am feeling the pressure.

I love my wife, and I do not want to be with anyone but her. I just seem to be trying to get away for a motorcycle ride or out with friends to just get away from the stress lately. I don't know what to do. I want my wife to be more self confident, not insecure, and want to be fit the way she was so I find her more attractive, so that we will have sex more often and want to, rather than it being a chore on a race to have a baby.

Ok, that's enough random thoughts from me for now. I hope we can get some help before things get really bad.


Answers


Chemar
939 days ago
*I just don't feel like having sex with an emotionally unstable woman who forgets our goals before we have another child.*

huh?? You are her husband and you do not have the right to deny her a healthy sexual relationship. If you don't want another child yet, use contraception or be tested for fertility, but don't "punish" her by denying her a healthy sexual relationship with you!

Honestly, I may be misreading what you have written but it seems to me you are the one who is being unreasonable, and possibly giving her reason to feel insecure! Any discussion that starts out with one partner loosing their temper usually goes downhill quickly, and if you are denying her sex and getting upset with her a lot of the time...well no wonder she is crying a lot! And yes, if a woman is not being sexually satisfied and finds that her partner is watching porn...it does feel to her like he is substituting sex with her for porn.

Now before you get too indignant at me...I am not suggesting that there may not also be things that she needs to work on in the relationship and in herself. It really sounds like the 2 of you would benefit from marital counseling, where you can discuss these things in a neutral environment and have a trained professional help you both learn how to deal with conflict as well as help you work through these major differences you seem to have both personally and as far as being partners in a relationship goes. Seems you both need to learn a bit about each other and yourselves, and be willing to bend a bit to help foster more happiness in the one you profess to love.