Avatar Posted by Toonahmee 32 days ago (Question)
My marital sex life is horrible. I have been married now for going on 3 years….. When my husband and I first met we did a whole lot of talking. Getting to know each other,… our 1st initial sexual experience was about 4 months after we met and the 1st time was just okay but I thought it was because it was our first…I gave it very little thought. We had sex a few other times and it seemed like it was getting better …. We dated for about 7 months and he proposed. We were married within a year and a half. Quietly in my mind I was dealing with the sex issue…..everything else seemed to be great, we communicated well, we had very similar life goals in mind and he is a very good man..…something was wrong sexually but often times I thought it could be worked on.

During that year and a half my 14 year old son was surfing the internet and our computer was virus prone. My then fiancé and I started monitoring my son’s internet use and one day while searching the cookies I saw quite a few hours daily spent on a porn site. When I clicked on the link history I found that the user name was my then fiancé. I had no real issue with porn magazines I grew up with an older brothers…I’m thinking men do this right? He was on the site for several hours daily, and sex was just okay…when I approached him it was a subtle conversation BUT in the meantime sex was just okay….I never looked at both issues.

Further into our marriage I am NOT sexually satisfied, had mentioned it to my now husband and quite a few times to find there were some sexual barriers. One was that he was not comfortable with initiating sex…that was okay, I guess I had no real issue with initiating as long as I had a willing participate.….BUT sex was not getting any better. The porn site visits started to annoy me because here I am 36 years old equipped with a functional sex drive and your hidden in the basement looking at porn. I went to him asking about possibly being addicted….I have to admit, that was awkward. But after doing research I found porn can be an addiction and he has a lot of underlying signs that cater to a sexual insecurity. I drew the line and he agreed to stop looking at porn and I gave up smoking….okay, so maybe it was giving up porn so obviously…or in the basement, go figure.

Almost 3 years in ….sex is not getting ANY better…I see that my husband does not enjoy foreplay…per him he doesn’t like it, he likes to get down to business….I am still initiating, it might last about 7 minutes tops..we probably have sex once every 2 months, and I feel like I am having sex with a stranger, it’s not passionate at all.…as soon as it’s starts it’s over …Now I am contemplating an affair..I think?…every marital moral in me has kept me monogamous. I really don’t want to cheat. But what am I supposed to do? My husband is being very selfish…he has a sexual dysfunction…and I am suffering. It’s like I never feel sexually appealing to him…I am approached by men on a daily basis and am complimented but not by my husband. This is the most frustration feeling……advise please



Answers

Written by Fpsy 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Toonahmee,

I don't think having an affair is a good idea and it's likely to make things in your relationship worse.

Both you and your husband need to find out what is behind your husband disinterest in foreplay and just getting down to having sex and getting it over with. I notice that your feelings that something wasn't right, started from the beginning before you were even married. You have been stewing on this for a long time and it's only gotten worse.

I realise that you are not getting your sexual needs met but try not to take your husbands disinterest in you sexually personally.

How are you talking to your husband, because ultimatims don't work. You have to be understanding, caring and not pressure your husband. There has to be some underlying physical or psychological problem as to his disinterest in sex, and this started before you were even married. Often problems with sexual intimacy stem from other problems in the relationship.

You say that earlier on in your relationship, you communicated well, had similar life goals etc, is this still the case. What has changed in your relationship?

You and your husband need to be able communicate about this, but it doesn't seem to be happening. You need to be open, honest, and frank. You both need to be happy in the relationship and you both need to get your needs met. Your husband will be less defensive if you start discussions by making " I statements" rather than "you statements". If you own your feelings around what is happening. E.g. "I feel that you don't find me sexually appealing" this makes me feel..... You can also help him express how he feels, by asking him ...."I want to understand things from your point of view, I want to understand how your feeling about this"

If you are having trouble, you might get some benefit from seeking a relationship counselor.

Hope this helps.

Written by bellacutie 32 days ago - Show / Hide this answer Rating: -1 | Rate Answer: + -

Written by Thisisit 29 days ago - Show / Hide this answer Rating: -1 | Rate Answer: + -

Written by Clyde 32 days ago - Show / Hide this answer Rating: -1 | Rate Answer: + -

Written by bellacutie 28 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sorry Clyde - I accidently rated the wrong answer. Bella

Written by bellacutie 28 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thisisit,

this poster admits that from the beginning sex has never been good. She's very unhappy with it and the way he doesn't initiate sex - he prefers the computer over her. I think it's fair to say most men don't have a problem with initiating sex and I wouldn't characterize this as a 'dangerous comment'. I think you're exaggerating and being way too judgemental of everyones answers!! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and the poster can pick which ones suit them best.


Log in to answer or register here.