Avatar Posted by Clare 60 days ago (Question)

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, and were married seven years ago, we have two children 5 and 2.
Eight months ago my husband told me that he was not sure if he still loves me anymore, this came following a series of rows about the fact that he had recently started going out more, coming back late and drinking with people at work. I felt really left out as he and I had very little social life together.
He said that his going out more was to do with the fact that he was really unhappy at home, specifically with me. I had suffered from something called General Anxiety Disorder when my second daughter was born, I had very bad insomnia and I found it all very overwhelming. My husband was very unsupportive during this time and I think I was quite unhappy because of this.
When he first revealed that he was unhappy I made every effort to try to save the relationship, I still loved my husband and I wanted us to be a family, I went to councelling alone (he won't go) and I arranged evenings out and babysitters, however things got worse until he said that he felt he might need to move out and have more space to think about what he wanted, but then the next day he said that he wanted to stay as he was very worried that leaving might mean he never came back.

We have been living together since, but we are not intimate, he says the only way he wants to deal with the situation is to stay in the house but that he does not feel ready to be intimate or even go out or go away on our own together. We recently had two weeks away with the children and I had high hopes that things would begin to change but although we did not mention the situation there, when we got back he said he still feels the same and that I have to be patient

My husband has promised me that he has not had or indeed want to have an affair but he wants to feel the same way about me as he did before, when I ask him how he is he just says that he is feeling better with no regard for how I might be feeling. This whole thing is so one sided and selfish and I don't understand how he thinks things can get any better or what it is exactly that I am being patient for.

I don't know how much longer I can go on with this situation, I feel totally and utterly rejected, I am not even sure if I will ever be able to forgive him for all the unhappiness he has caused me, I spend every waking hour trying to figure out why this is happening, we have two beautiful children, a lovely home I just don't understand why he won't try to rebuild the relationship or see how he can think that things are just suddenly going to improve.

My husband is not english and I do wonder whether the different cultural background as well as upbringing has finally caught up with us. He spent the first 15 years of our relationship saying that we did not need friends and that as long as we had each other everything would be perfect. Consequently having moved country and city many times I now find myself very alone with two young children. I am now putting all my energy into trying to build a circle of friends for myself and enjoying my children but I am 34 and feel that I deserve to be loved as well. I feel however that the only alternative is to ask him to leave and I don't want to do that, but how long should I endure this situation? I want my children to grow up with both parents but I don't want to become so bitter that I end up making them unhappy.

With Kindest regards,


Answers

Written by Chemar 59 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi,

I really sympathize with what you are feeling.

from what you have written, yes, it seems your husband is so wrapped up in how he is feeling that he has neglected your feelings totally.

You really do need joint counseling and if he wont go, you may have to be very forthright in stating that you feel this is the only way your marriage can survive

Being forced to live in a celibate marriage at age 34 is unhealthy for you and for him. Leaving you like this, while he stays out drinking with workmates is not going to solve anything for either of you.

I really hope you can convince him to go to counseling with you as, where you may have had issues after your 2nd daughter was born, it seems that he is now the one who needs therapy to decide just where he is at and what he wants.

Written by Aneohoh 58 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Get rid of him. Go back to school and learn to be on your own. You'll feel alot better about EVERYTHING111

Written by Clyde 48 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It does sound to me as well that he is more concerned about himself, and does not want to keep the whole thing going.

To me, if he doesnt attend counseling with you--I would get rid of him. Why do you let him stay if he is not interested in you?

Who owns the house? If he doesnt come back soon, I definitely would kick him out if I own the house.

Best,

Clyde


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