Hi I'm 27 years old and have had about 3 serious relationships. The problem I seem to have in my relationships is that I feel like I lose my self identity and all my focus becomes my boyfriend. All of my break ups have been really hard because I feel like I don't know what to do or who I am without them and I have to start over again. When I'm not in a relationship I feel more free and my self. I also have trust issues stemming from being cheated on by my 2nd serious boyfriend of 4 years. It has drastically affected my current relationship so much that we too are now in the middle of a break up. In this current relationship we moved way too fast practically living together after only 2 months of dating. Since he only had one friend here because he moved to my area for work we spent every day together. I began having trust issues with him after going through his phone one day and seeing some text messages. It ended up being nothing but it made me to continue to be consumably suspicious. All these events have made me lose my self in this relationship and have forgotten who I am and to not try to focus on starting my career. His parents and friends live about an hour and 15 min away and every time he goes down to see them without me I get very anxious and all I can think about is what he is doing. I will also get very mad very quickly and make accusations about what he is doing and he has gotten tired of it. I feel like he should be able to hang out with his friends without me and vice versa and we should be fine. I feel like one of those needy people when in a relationship when I'm actually a pretty care free individual when not in one. I also seem to forget my friends a lot when I'm in a relationship as well. My mother says I should focus on trying to start my career and wait until I have proof that my boyfriend has lied or cheated before doing anything but I just cant seem to let anything go. Sometimes I ask myself is my instincts telling me something about this guy or is it my own issues. He doesn't want to break up but I don't see any other solution. I cant feel like this all time it is not healthy. We cant afford counseling right now either. I sometimes also think that I get this way in a relationship because my dad did not give us much attention growing up. Any ideas on what I should do? Will being on my own for a while solve any trust issues I have or attachment issues?


Answers


bella
1175 days ago
I agree you should concentrate on your career so you'll feel financially independent, but it won't really solve your current problems. It might give you the chance to work on yourself. If he's never given you reasons to mistrust him, then you should try to let go of those feelings. Maybe he can make you a promise not to stray and if he ends up wanting someone else, he would be upfront and end the relationship. Most people realize if we hold onto a person too tight, they actually want to back away more.

Remember people aren't possessions, so we need to give them space. You should have some friends you see by yourself and hobbies for when he sees his family. Your past cheating BF could be part of the problem as well as lack of fatherly attention growing up. Try to live in the moment and rationalize if your fears have any truth to them. Give it a try for a few months and just enjoy each other.



Acedar
1174 days ago
I agree that if he hasn't really given you a reason to not trust him, you should let the feelings go. I would say that you do need to work more on yourself and being happy with who you are. Start by scheduling one night a week to just go out with your friends, if you can and when he visits his family, or other times when you know he will be busy, schedule something fun for yourself to take your mind off of him not being around. Focusing on building a life outside of your relationship might make you feel a little more secure about your relationship and stop some of your mistrusting feelings.



rachb5
1172 days ago
Thanks a lot both of you. Really good advice.