Avatar Posted by FarEom 67 days ago (Question)
Let me begin by saying that I have a history of depression. I am taking 450mg of bupropion and have been for around a year now. My depression is triggered by stress due to school, and I have begun acknowledging this stress before it gets the better of me.

Now that I've given you my background, I'll also add that I was dumped 2 weeks ago. My boyfriend and I had been going out for 1 and 1/2 years, and we were talking about marriage. Then... poof. It was over. The last several months of our relationship were tough; we were bickering a lot, but we always seemed to confront the issues and move past them quickly (in around 1/2 an hour). Apparently, my boyfriend was affected by our fights much more profoundly than I was, because he just said that he "couldn't take it anymore."

Looking back, I realize that it was mostly my fault. My personality is very confrontational, so I sometimes pick fights and poke buttons that I know will start fights. I never thought that I did this, but upon revisiting some of our arguments, I see now that I started them. Not only that, but I aggravated them to the point of turning them into full-blown arguments. I realize this is something that I need to work on and have already begun the process of fixing that about myself. I've told my ex about this, and I've expressed a wish to give us another try with my new outlook, but he seems to be completely against this. He does, however, still want to be friends, which I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of doing. He's my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without him. But to move from getting ready for marriage to no romantic attachment whatsoever seems impossible to me.

But that's not really the point of this question. I find myself drifting listlessly through my life, and I am incredibly lonely. I have a few very close friends, but they've all moved on to other states and / or jobs that take up the majority of their time. I'm not complaining about that. They have their own lives, and it's ridiculous for me to expect them to drop everything just because I feel a little low. Before he broke up with me, he was my main contact. If I was upset I would call him, and he would make me feel better. If I was excited he would be excited with me. I now no longer have that connection, and as a result I am quickly sinking. I have a hard time making friends because, from what I've been told, I come off a little stuck up at first, and people don't want to get to know me. I've tried to fix this, but nothing I do seems to work.

In the end, I am overwhelmingly lonely, and I desperately miss the connection I once had with my ex. I want nothing more than for him to give us one more chance (Even if it ends in another breakup, at least I'll know we will have tried.), but seeing as that is most likely not going to happen, something has to change. I just don't know what.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.


Answers

Written by Thumbelina 66 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It's perfectly normal to be feeling the loss of a relationship you were used to having in your life for a year and a half. You are missing a big chunk of your daily routine. You are missing someone you were very close to. Grieving over the loss of this relationship is very normal. It's not easy and is very painful, but it is normal.

What I would ask you, FarEom, is this: do you have any idea why it is that you would start fights with him? You mentioned that you are "confrontational". Being confrontatoinal and intentionally starting fights over trivial things are two different things. The reason I am asking is because I suspect that your need to start fights may have something to do with the household you were raised in. Was there alcohol or substance abuse in your family home? If not, I'm way off track and I apologize. But the reason I ask is because many times, when a child grows up with substance abuse, they become used to an emotionally charged atmosphere where they have to tiptoe on eggshells so as to not upset the parent. It creates something kind of like an adrenaline dependence. So, when the child grows up and leaves the home, they miss that excitement, even though it's negative excitement. So, they create it for themselves in their personal relationships.

This would be an ideal time for you to get to know yourself better. The key to forming the most compatible relationship you can possibly manage, is to know yourself. Learn what your likes and dislikes are. Learn what your values are. Learn what your goals are, what is important to you. What do you want out of life? Are there family of origin issues that need to be addressed? This is the perfect opportunity for you to do those things. I can guarantee you that the more time you invest in doing these things, the better the next relationship you have will be.

I wish you the best of luck.

Written by Clyde 48 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It most definitely is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship, especially one like this. However, you mention you dont want to be just friends--but if you consider him your best friend--that is a lot better step than nothing at all.

Perhaps you can know yourself better, go to therapy, etc. and just keep working on yourself so he can see that you are trying?

Maybe things will be for the better then?

Best,

Clyde


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