Avatar Posted by archenemy337 602 days ago (Question)
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. We've been best friends for over 10 years. We moved in together not long after we started dating and now we're in a very serious relationship and even considering marriage. I have a past history of mental illness and about 6 months after we started dating I began a slow decline into being very very mentally and physically ill. I was out of work for 4 months and was so sick I could barely leave the house. I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, severe panic disorder, severe anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, night terrors, and post-traumatic stress syndrome. I've been getting better and better since I started on medication and I'm back to work and doing pretty good considering the shape I was in before. Nearly a year ago our sexual relationship started to change. This was before I even became seriously ill. We began having sex less and less often over time until now it's that we hardly ever at all. I understand that happens in relationships, especially in domestic partnerships, but it's not like her. That was the last thing I ever thought we would have a problem with in our relationship. As long as I've known her she's always been a very sexually oriented person. Our sexual relationship was very good before the decline. Over the year I've asked her multiple times what the problem is. She has given me a variety of different reasons each time I've asked her and now she says she doesn't know and doesn't want to talk about it. At first I thought she might be involved with someone else, but I can't see any reason to suspect her of cheating. She's changed a lot in other ways as well. She's lost interest in a lot of things we used to be interested in together. I'm still just as interested in everything I was when we got together. Other than becoming ill I haven't changed at all. Before we got together she was married for 5 years and eventually left her husband because of the same thing she's doing to me. That's what bothers me the most. She cheated on him a lot near the end of their marriage until she realized that she wasn't happy with him. She says she understands how I feel because I'm going through what she went through with her ex-husband, but she says she doesn't want to or sees no reason to try and make things the way they were. Every once in a while I think about leaving her but I love her too much and she's done more for me than anyone else ever has. I'm just not sure what to do or how long I should keep bottling up all my feelings about it because she won't talk about it anymore. I just keep all my thoughts and feelings about it inside. I don't have anyone else I could talk about it to. She's been in love with me for 10 years and has wanted to be with me all that time. Now she finally has me and a year into the relationship she stops making love to me. I just don't get it. Any advice or opinions are welcome!


Answers


fastoldbiker
602 days ago
Hi - things have changed, you have changed and your GF has changed. Don’t push all blame onto her because that isn’t fair, or just. You have changed from the person she first met, to a person in need of help and support. Her role has changed in the relationship from being a person playing an equal part, to one who is helping and supporting you.

She may not find this new role rewarding, enjoyable and least of all sexy. She may have changed from being IN LOVE with you, to loving you. You need to re-kindle what was there in the beginning, because IMO you will lose her. You need to drastically alleviate your dependency on her and bring back romance.

I think you need to address the balance. When she feels needed as a sensual, sexual person; instead of being in a caring, supportive type role, she may respond sexually. Although she says that she feels no need to have things the way they were, I think she may be saying that to support you. I think in reality she will want to be desired sexually and feel desirable. At the moment she does not.

You need to present yourself as a person that is grateful for her help, but not dependent upon it. You need to present yourself as a sexual being too. Make the effort for her.

I would very strongly suggest that you get into being more impulsive, more romantic, more attentive to her – as a woman, not just a friend. I think that if you do not act she will become bored in the current role that she plays.

Don’t expect her to make love to you, or think that somehow it will just happen. You need to romance her, excite her, make her laugh, take her breath away. Help her to be happy. Sex will follow on as a matter of course. Don’t get it the wrong way around!

I can understand that you want to talk to her and discuss your problems, but I think at the moment actions will work better than words. When you get back more onto a steady foundation, then communicate better, and discuss her feelings TOO. But at the moment, give it all you have romantically for both of you; put your own needs on the back-burner for a while.

Being friends is crucial, but she is not JUST a friend, she is a sensual, sexy woman and you need to bring that side of her back.

Best wishes :)
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archenemy337
599 days ago
Thanks so much for your advice. I have tried, I guess I just need to try a little harder.
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bella
602 days ago
I completely agree with Fastoldbikers great post. You said you haven't changed, but really you have and sounds like a lot of stress going on as well. I don't have much to add, but will say, women tend to be more emotionally connected to sex than men - men are too but its not as important. Even when men are stressed out, they can still have sex, whereas a woman might not be in the mood. Let her know you want to work on improving that part of your lives and start taking steps to improve. I heard an expert say once, "foreplay starts early in the day - meaning be kind, considerate and helpful are appreciated. Good luck.
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