Avatar Posted by lacers 1723 days ago (Question)
My fiance and I are going to be married in about 5 weeks. He has concerns that it isn't going to work, because we only have sex a few times a month. We work alternate shifts so that someone will be home to watch our 2 year old son. See each other in passing, and have 2 days off together each week, one of which he goes to play games with his friends. When we do have time off together, it's normally running errands and spending time with our son, and by the end of the day, I am often to tired, or we have had a disagreement about something and I don't feel like having sex. Is this normal? He also accuses me of being unfaithful when I have had basically no social life since our son was born, and this could be triggered by something as simple as my sexy nightgown being on top of the clothes in my drawer, or checking me e-mail when he is still asleep. I've told him countless times that i am not about carrying extra baggage and if I would rather be with someone else I would be (as in I wouldn't be with two at once). When I bring this up as a possible cause of my low sex drive (feeling put down and degraded) he tells me i am avoiding the problem and trying to put blame on him.... What can I do? Is there something wrong with my libido?


Answers


Clyde
1722 days ago
I do think your only having sex at limited amounts of time is indeed normal. I think that someone being too possessive of you already (even though you do have a 2 year old son together) is indeed a bad sign.

There is nothing wrong with your libido as far as I see...what I see is him trying to be too possessive and too overbearing.

You can't just give it when he wants it, there is a two way street in marriage, and you are one of those streets. He has to allow you your freedom, or I would take the son and not take the marriage.

Do not allow yourself to be possessed by someone else. Live your life and have fun in your own life.

Best,

Clyde
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drjean
1714 days ago
lacers, your fiance's expression might be an excuse for his not wanting to marry at all. Why should he? You've already had a child together, and engage in marital relations without being married.

Is he satisfying himself outside of the relationship, and thus when married feels he won't be able to do so (and indeed he shouldn't be at all!)? I think the marriage needs to be put on hold until you both are more comfortable with the situation. It could be that he wants his cake and to eat it too, you know?

Women aren't physical in the same way men are, and that is evident in your situation. Security and peace of mind, knowing their partner is there for them helps a woman engage in the pleasantry of sexual relations. It isn't easy to push through the insecurity of such a relationship and provide the physical aspect, imo.

Communication is key to any good relationship. It sounds like that's where you both need to begin, again.

Take care

drjean
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blamueg
1088 days ago
I don't like that he is accusing you of being "unfaithful". That seems somewhat desperate to me. What I can totally understand is that your man wants sex more than few times a month. This can be a very serious burden on your life together if the interest in sex is so one-sided. I know that the kind of stress you guys are having is good reason for your lesser interest in sex. But from his equally valid point of view, it doesn't matter what the reason is, if there is not enough sex or no good sex, it is a very difficult thing to sustain. So, in my view, the situation needs to be fixed in some way. It's not useful to just conclude that "it's O.K.". To be sure, there is nothing "wrong with you" or with him for that matter (without knowing more anyway), but the sheer incompatibility will be very, very difficult to sustain.

So, the question is how to fix this? Few things come to mind. Make time for each other. Try to arrange a time once a week for just the two of you. Somewhere into your busy schedule you need to fit this. It is worth it. It does not need to be an evening. It could be lunch plus a few hours. If you can, put your kid into preschool or daycare and use the time he's in daycare for your time together. Talk about this with your man, because he is probably frustrated, and he'll light up if you tell him that you agree that something must and can be done. If the date is planned, it allows both of you to get excited about it and it will work better.

If you look at yourself and your past and find that you are just not interested in sex, never were much into it and possibly never will be, then this incompatibility would remain a lasting burden on your relationship. But if you just feel you lost libido right now, it's probably because of all that stress, and it's fixable.

Of course, if you don't like him any more because he's been mean, then check to see if you want to proceed with the marriage now. But I am assuming that you both want to stick together and you're just in a crunch now getting it to work satisfactorily for both of you.
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drgoodheart
207 days ago
I agree with this. Stress can lower anyone's sex drive, especially if it was stronger before, so can being a parent, especially for mothers as the needs of the children always seem to come first. Women often change after childbirth to the detriment of their husbands. It's important to keep the romance alive or he will start to feel 'pushed' out - not good! Together time is very important, after all, children grow up and leave to live their own lives eventually but your partner is there to stay. Can you find a common interest that you can enjoy together? We can't change others, but we can change ourselves. Try to resolve this before you marry or it may be the cause of unnecessary hurt later.

Stay strong

Drgoodheart
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Jessicawest89
203 days ago
Low sex drive may be due to stress, or or lack of excitement. I my self have a low sex drive. I think your sex drive may have a lot to do with your life being the same daily routine. Maybe y'all should as a little more romance. Hire a babysitter and take a day off for you to to send time together
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