Avatar Posted by msjaded 1415 days ago (Question)
I am 30 years old and have been married to my husband for 2 years (together 7) and we have three young girls. My husband and I are in a sexless marriage where sex occurs about 2x a year. Naturally this has caused a myriad of emotions ranging from sadness to resentment. I have initiated sex nearly on a daily basis and am turned down every time. There are days where I cry myself to sleep and feel so depressed that I have considered suicide. It feels hurtful to know that the only person I am supposed to receive unconditional love rejects me. It makes me feel ugly and unworthy. Last month I felt like I was going to pass out and decided to visit an internist the following day. I was diagnosed with refractory anemia (MDS) which can progressively turn to AML (leukemia) in 50% of the patients with chronic anemia. I have had to undergo epogen injections three times a week and blood checks every other day. This is the time where I would've loved to have my husband's support but he isn't here for me emotionally, physically, intimately and I am in A LOT of pain. I have begun taking Wellbuterin but feel like this is a band aid to my problems. I desperately want to feel close to someone and am worried about the state of my marriage. The fact that I may end up with AML has made me focus on the dismal state of my marriage and I feel like I deserve more. Some of my thoughts have shocked me: I am considering a divorce and cheating because I don't want to regret living a happier, fulfilling life. My husband is wrapped up in attending law classes and says he is "stressed out" but I feel like it is a cop out. Are my emotions unrealistic? I often wonder if the Wellbuterin is giving me the courage to do something I should've done or maybe the diagnosis is. My question is what would you do? Remain married in a loveless marriage for the kids and forget about pleasure or divorce for selfish reasons? I am very confused..Thank you


Answers


bella
1415 days ago
I am very sorry you're in this terrible position and I understand your dilema very well. I'm in a similar bind and live like roomates with my husband for financial reasons. I won't go through the long story - it you want to click on my name and read my story you can. The only difference is I don't want to be with mine anymore because of what he's done. It's been 3 years for me.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want sex anymore. Is there a chance he's watching porn and satisfying himself that way. This happens alot where some men get addicted to porn and no longer desire their partners.

I think you need to nicely ask him if he's willing to get marriage counselling and if he thinks the sexual part of your marriage can be restored. You deserve to know if there's hope or not. It's also very puzzling why he's not emotionally supporting you with this health crisis you're in. If he's unwilling to participate in improving your marriage then I think you should divorce him. I don't think your emotions are unrealistic.

Tell him nicely what you need, see if he's willing to negotiate with you, a realistic solution to the problems you both share. If you can't get him to cooperate then I suggest getting out of the marriage. I don't think an affair is the solution here and suicide should never be an option. There's no doubt that you need to do something because living like this is bad for your health. All the best to you and I hope you find peace with this. Hugs Bella
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Edahn
1415 days ago
I would not remain in a loveless marriage. I would take affirmative steps to resolve the situation. Resolution comes in two forms. Either you discuss the problem, find out what barriers there are to intimacy and resolve them, or, failing to resolve them, you move on.

I think seeking the assistance of a couples' therapist would be a good idea too. It will help you understand the problem much more quickly than if you try and figure it out yourselves and help generate solutions faster.

I would advise against cheating and suicide. Suicide isn't fair to your kids, nor is it the only solution to your problems. In a year, when this problem has been solved, you will look back and see that there were other, better ways to deal with this. I would also advise against cheating as I think in the long run it'll just make your feelings of loneliness more significant and complicate matters further. One thing you can do to help alleviate some of the pressure from this situation is try and not take the rejections personally. His inability to connect and care is an issue HE has, and, I would bet, an issue he has had in the past. There may be some things you are doing to make it hard for him to connect, but a lot of this problem, I would imagine, has nothing to do with you and much more to do with his self-image and emotional landscape. That's something that can be clarified with a therapist he feels safe with.

If you're feeling lonely, sad, and rejected, maybe you can approach your husband and discuss it with him without making him feel like something's wrong with him. Ask him sincerely to visit a therapist with you to figure out what's going on.

E.
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zanzivar
1415 days ago
I know the reply that I will give you here Msjaded will probably end up being rejected but here goes anyway.

I know exactly how hurt you feel when you are not emotionally protected by your husband. I felt that very much with my husband when his family were interfering in our marraige in the beginning. I felt alone and trapped in the situation and I had three small kids at the time. My husband used never initiate sex with me but would turn to me in the middle of the night and then do it. If I showed interest during the day or beginning of the night he would become highly embarrassed. I tried my best to help him with this but even now today after nearly 30 years he would still be very shy. Maybe your husband has that problem. Then again he could be one of those who do not appreciate or desire you. That is some kick in the teeth to get. Any person in a marriage that is not desired sexually HAVE to find a way around this problem. For me - I went on to have an affair. I know that many people will say that I shouldn't but for me it solved huge problems.

I had someone that understood me but didn't have to live with me. I had someone who desired me sexually and I felt fullfilled. Just to make things even more complicated I went on to have a child by him and had three more children by my husband.

I am not surprised that you would have suicidal thoughts. A situation like yours would warrent them but you have three children and you must be very strong for them.

Zanzivar
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babydoll233
1414 days ago
I am so sad to read this, but I was there. I was in a loveless,sexless marriage for 10 years.. i divorced and found a man who supports me and loves me unconditionally. Your marriage is making you sick... I had so many ailments for so long,he made me feel horrible in every aspect of life. We did not have children and that was a blessing in disguise. Please look into separating and gaining your spirit back, he has killed it. I know exactly how you feel and I want you to be happy. I remarried 2 and a half years ago and am very happy, most of the time!! Please try an see if you can get away from your situation for a while. If you mention separation, i can almost guarantee he will agree. You cannot go on living a loveless, sexless life with someone who makes you feel worthless. Take care of YOU first
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Clyde
1414 days ago
Law school definitely has to be a very tough thing, but he still should treat you better.

Find a way to get better, separating or not. YOu do need to find a way to be happy again.

Best,

Clyde
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