I'm a 42 year old married man with small children. For years I have been having homosexual fantasies (since college), and the vast majority of any sex dreams I have are homosexual, in fact I can't remember the last one that was heterosexual. I always picture myself as the "bottom" ie performing oral sex or being penetrated. I have no interest in being the "top" I experimented a few times and really enjoyed it, but afterwards I would feel shame and disgust so I stopped. It seems that these dreams are becoming much more frequent, like a few times a week.

My wife knows about this and after many conversations she agreed that I am just horny and have a high sex drive, and that this is just a fantasy. I'm starting to think that maybe it is not a fantasy and it is who I am. I can appreciate a beautiful woman, but I am never aroused by one. If I see pictures or videos of naked women, it does nothing for me sexually. If my wife and I watch porn as part of foreplay the only porn that will get me going is gay, bi, or transsexual. I will pretend that the straight porn is turning me on, but in reality it just bores me. At the same time I couldn't picture myself being romantically involved with another man, or living with one. To me that just seems strange and not right on an emotional level.

I do masturbate frequently to gay porn, and I get edgy went I don't have tme to do so. My wife and I have sex about once a month. We both wish it was more, but having young kids put a damper on it! Last night we had sex, but I could not orgasm. I tried picturing my wife as a man, and it still did not work. I felt bad afterwards because I know it is a blow to her self esteem as a woman if she can't make me orgasm.

I really do enjoy my relationship with my wife and family and picture growing old together. for the most part I am content, but there always seems to be a pebble in my shoe so to speak and I lately have a feeling of detatchment from the world around me, feel quite uneasy, and frustrated but I cant put a finger on it. Am I gay, am I burned out of my career, and I having a mid life crisis? I don't know.

Is my wife right that this is just a fantasy or are we both deluding ourselves about my sexuality, and if so what the heck are we to do about it?



Answers


bella
1221 days ago
Hi braveheart1839,

this really is a very hard dilemma. When you said this in your post and I quote: "I experimented a few times and really enjoyed it, but afterwards I would feel shame and disgust so I stopped".

Were you talking about fantasizing about gay sex or actually a real life experience. TBH I suspect you've always been gay but repressed your feelings, in order to conform to the typical life of wife and kids. The fact you don't get turned on by women, says it all IMO.

Regarding not being able to orgasm, could be from 2 things - not feeling excited by your wife and from watching too much porn. Some men who rely too much on porn can struggle to orgasm under normal circumstances. How did you feel as a young man - were you attracted to the same sex but buried the feelings?

This is an incredibly difficult position to be in and I don't know how you're going to deal with it. I think you should find a therapist, to help you sort through your feelings. I empathize with you.



braveheart1839
1221 days ago
Hi Bella,

Thanks for the reply. I meant that I had actual gay sex a number of times the first time was when I was 22 years old.

Yes as a young man I did have gay fantasies from time to time, but dated girls and just figured they would go away.

It is such a dilemma, as Ido love my wife and our relationship and is just seems stupid to throw it all away over sex. I mean sex is such a small component of a relationship.



bella
1221 days ago
Hi again,

wondering if you want to talk about this more. I find men talk about "sex being a small component of a relationship" more so because they're less emotionally attached while having sex and usually say this when it's to their advantage - like cheating for example. If a couple truly enjoys sex together - if it was missing, it could be a large factor in over all happiness, I think.

If a man cheats on his partner - he might say "well it was only sex and it didn't really mean anything". What do you think are the options - you can continue to have unsatisfying sex with your wife - she's probably not overly satisfied either. You could get a divorce and be yourself, but suffer the affects of a split family. The last option is cheating on your wife - in this case it may be 'only' sex for you but it would be terribly hurtful and risky health wise for your wife.

If you choose to stay married and deny your urges - how will this affect your sex life and inner happiness years from now. If you could be guaranteed an amicable split - would you divorce your wife and pursue your desires?



braveheart1839
1221 days ago
Sure I would love to talk, as I need to hear someone else's perspective, besides my wife. The last kind of paragraph nails it- I do want to stay married, but I know in doing so I am also killing a part of me- will I be able to handle it? My wife and I have talked about it- and I have told her if I had to do it all over again, most likely I would not have gotten married (except to her) and in all likelihood I would be having sex with men.

What's the best way to continue the conversation?

Chris



bella
1221 days ago
This kind of situation does really tug at the heart for both of you. It's kind of you to be concerned for your wife. What was her response when you told her that? She sounds like a special lady and I'm concerned she's denying and hoping this will go away. My worry is, your sex life will become less frequent as the years go by and you'll become more reliant on porn. I wish I knew the answer of how you could continue this conversation with your wife. Do you get along well in the marriage?



braveheart1839
1220 days ago
Hi Bella,

We get along fantastically. That is a big part of the problem- why would I want to throw away a great relationship just over sex? She has been super cool with the issue- watching porn with me, role playing, using sex toys to simulate gay sex, etc. Works to some extent, but isn't the same thing. Is it possible to be emotionally straight and physically gay?

Chris



flaze
1203 days ago
This sounds like such a dilemma! To be honest I think you are better off staying with your wife. I realise that frustrated desires usually grow out of proportion and that you may be dying for gay sex, but it's not all that. Once you reach orgasm, it's the same as any old sex, and what remains is a great person who loves you OR someone who really doesn't.

As fantasy is just the precursor to sexual fulfilment, don't let it take over your life. You could have been in a position where you were fucking a strange man every night and leading a soulless, barren existence.

Everyone has issues and although yours are rather tricky, my advice is to try to make the most of what you have and good luck.

22yo bi guy.



joesnell
706 days ago
Are you still monitoring this braveheart1839? If so, I'd like to talk to you. In the SAME boat as you..exactly!