I'm a 42 year old married man with small children. For years I have been having homosexual fantasies (since college), and the vast majority of any sex dreams I have are homosexual, in fact I can't remember the last one that was heterosexual. I always picture myself as the "bottom" ie performing oral sex or being penetrated. I have no interest in being the "top" I experimented a few times and really enjoyed it, but afterwards I would feel shame and disgust so I stopped. It seems that these dreams are becoming much more frequent, like a few times a week.
My wife knows about this and after many conversations she agreed that I am just horny and have a high sex drive, and that this is just a fantasy. I'm starting to think that maybe it is not a fantasy and it is who I am. I can appreciate a beautiful woman, but I am never aroused by one. If I see pictures or videos of naked women, it does nothing for me sexually. If my wife and I watch porn as part of foreplay the only porn that will get me going is gay, bi, or transsexual. I will pretend that the straight porn is turning me on, but in reality it just bores me. At the same time I couldn't picture myself being romantically involved with another man, or living with one. To me that just seems strange and not right on an emotional level.
I do masturbate frequently to gay porn, and I get edgy went I don't have tme to do so. My wife and I have sex about once a month. We both wish it was more, but having young kids put a damper on it! Last night we had sex, but I could not orgasm. I tried picturing my wife as a man, and it still did not work. I felt bad afterwards because I know it is a blow to her self esteem as a woman if she can't make me orgasm.
I really do enjoy my relationship with my wife and family and picture growing old together. for the most part I am content, but there always seems to be a pebble in my shoe so to speak and I lately have a feeling of detatchment from the world around me, feel quite uneasy, and frustrated but I cant put a finger on it. Am I gay, am I burned out of my career, and I having a mid life crisis? I don't know.
Is my wife right that this is just a fantasy or are we both deluding ourselves about my sexuality, and if so what the heck are we to do about it?