I am 50 years old and have never known the story of my "real" father until recently when my mother shared. She called him and set up a phone call, without my knowing. So, unexpectly, she told me he is waiting for me to call...I did call him because I've always wondered about him and his life. We talked about the basics, the situation and how it happened, our families. He's thought of me from time to time and did want to meet, but didn't want to push me. So, now it is a couple of months later and I am ready. We are meeting at a diner tonight. We've already discussed the basics. I do want to ask about medical history, but I don't know what to talk about or ask beyond that. I'm not nervous now, but I know I will be. Any help?


Answers


bella
1669 days ago
Hi dfisk,

I'm a firm believer all parents have the right to interact with their children regardless of what happened between the parents - exceptions being - if it's unsafe due to abuse. I'm totally against denying a parent the right to see their child, just for revenge purposes. I went through an extremely stressful time in my marriage but I don't involve my children and I still want them to have a full relationship with their father. What happened between me and their father, is irrelevant to my children.

So, I think this is completely AWESOME you're meeting your father for the 1st time. I assume you've already spoken to him by phone - right? I agree, it's important to know any medical history. For sure you want to stay away from anything negative or blaming. He also shouldn't do any blaming, by talking about your mother. Did your mom ever speak badly about him? I think you should just be open and friendly. I suspect things will progress on their own once you get there.

I want to share with you a few details of my life. I lost my father when I was 2 to stomach cancer. I was the youngest of 5 children and all my other siblings have clear memories of him. I only remember him being taken away by ambulance from our home. I really missed not having a father and I used to cry often at night. Sometimes I would wish, that I was adopted and had a father somewhere - not because I didn't love my dad, but because I wanted any dad so much. I'm telling you this, because this can be an awesome experience - like finding that lost 'puzzle piece'.

Your meeting doesn't have to be like a scene from a movie -all perfect. Just live in the moment of knowing your father and be open and accepting. Now is not the time to dwell on anything negative just dwell in the moment. I admire your mom for setting this up and I admire your dad as well. I'm sure he'll be nervous too, he might think you're going to blame him.

I'm very excited for you and savor every second of time you have. This is a wonderful opportunity for all of you to be at peace. Let me know tomorrow how it all went and best of luck. Enjoy the moment and this great opportunity.



AshleyJoan
1669 days ago
I also grew up not knowing much about my biological father, so I truley wish you luck.



dfisk13@yahoo.com
1668 days ago
Hi - it's me and it's the next day! I think I'm still in a little bit of shock. It was the best case scenario! He is handsome and so nice...he cried when he saw me and told me I looked like his family. He was SO glad to meet me. We talked about our families and we laughed. We found all of our similarities. We shared pictures and he has a daughter that looks like my twin when i was about ten years younger. He wants to move further and share with his adult children, but he will follow my lead because he was afraid to push. I had kept him waiting a few months since our one and only phone call. He thought he had made a bad impression. That wasn't true. I just needed time to wrap my head around meeting him. I didn't know he even existed (most of my life, until I was forty something). I now know about my heritage on that side and medical history and I know if our families meet that my young adult children will really like him. The circumstances that made this occur were not his fault alone. I just want to move forward, so thank you bellacutie for the advice. The conversation moved to the past a couple of times and I moved it forward again. You are right, talking about the past was not good, because I was not there and it is what it is. I feel so relieved...he wanted to know me all of these years, but it was not his decision to keep us apart. He is sorry he missed all of the past years of knowing me, but we are moving forward. I am hopeful that we can have a friendly relationship...there are others to be concerned about and we have to tread carefully, but I am smiling. :)



bella
1668 days ago
((dfisk13)) - you know I really do love helping out here, but it's posts like yours, that make it soo rewarding. I'm so very happy your dinner meeting turned out to be the best case scenario - how fantastic!! Like you said the past is the past - it's okay to understand it, but not judge it. I would love to have just one day with my father and it wouldn't matter if he wasn't perfect. I completely understand how it's still a shock, but how wonderful you were able to connect with part of, who you are. I'm very happy for you and so glad I was able to influence you in a positive way. You both deserve credit for the way it turned out. Credit also goes to your mom, for setting it up and making things right. I hope you took lots of new pictures yesterday. Best of luck in the future too. :D



katertotter
1668 days ago
i am so happy for you! it sounds like an ideal meeting. i hope everything works out well for you and your families.



kingsopera
1668 days ago
this is ace - you've got a great time ahead of you - do cherish every moment. it does so much for your sense of identity and belonging - and life in general!! i was separated from my father when i was a kid and met up again when i got in touch when i was 19. we only had five years together (he died in 2008) but he was seriously my best best friend. wishing you all the best!



dfisk13@yahoo.com
1663 days ago
thanks so much, all. Apparently, he told one of his adult kids3 days after our meeting and I got a call from them the next morning! We are going to meet and they are very sorry they didn't know about me sooner. Thanks for all of your well wishes. Really All of these years of dreading the answer. Can't believe the unnkown is over.



bella
1660 days ago
You're welcome dfisk. That's great news they all want to meet you. I think the positive 1st meeting, made a great impression. I'm so happy this turned out for you. Best of luck with your father and his family. :)



ohjeni
1654 days ago
my biological father just emailed me tonight. i snail mailed a letter to what i thought was him on tuesday. i had the letter written for 2 months before sending it. now that i've found him i don't know what to ask. i'm half mexican and look like no one in my family so i'm already a tad disappointed because i don't look like him or my new found half sister. but seriously, what do i say?