My parents have been divorced from each other four separate times, the last being over 10 years ago. Each time, my father's infidelity was the reason. After the last time, I decided that I could not take this anymore and cut my father out of my life forever. I saw the pain that it caused both my brother, my mother and myself and couldn't bear his lies or justifications any longer.

Recently however, my mother who has been single since the last divorce has begun a relationship with a married man. She is completely aware of how wrong this relationship is and how this relationship makes me feel and yet she believes that this man is going to leave his wife and be with her and that because she loves him, it is ok. My problem is that I cannot even talk to her anymore. I feel such anger and disappointment that I don't even know what to say when she calls me. Perhaps its seeing her in this light that has changed my relationship with her. She has no intentions of breaking off this relationship and said to me that "if my view of her changed after the first time she was with him, then why should she stop now if she's already disappointed me". I need to know how to get through this and get back to having a relationship with her where I'm not going to be sick to my stomach over how things are between us. Am I wrong to care that this is how she is choosing to live her life?


Answers


Chemar
1790 days ago
Hi

you are justifiably disappointed in your mom. After the hurt your dad caused with infidelity it is amazing that she would be involved in breaking up another marriage this way!

It's hard to suggest how to heal the breakdown in your relationship with her, as it seems she has decided that her relationship with this married man is going to continue, nomatter what you feel about it.

Perhaps you need to just let her know that this is so upsetting to you, and also that it has revived the hurt and anger you felt toward your dad etc, and so you would prefer to just have some distance between you for a while.

That way she will realize that this isnt something you are just going to get over and accept, and will also give you some space to not have to be so focused on it.

Perhaps her relationship will fizzle out if this man decides not to leave his wife.

whatever happens, just try not to let this create an impassable gulf between you and your mom. You dont have to like what she is doing, but severing a relationship with her would likely cause you both a lot of pain too.

I really hope she comes to her senses and realizes how very wrong this is.

You sound like a very caring person. I hope this all works out ok



twentytroubles
1789 days ago
It sounds like you have so much pent up frustration.

Parents are human too and can make hurtful mistakes. You need to find a way to forgive her, and your dad. How would you like being permanently removed from someone's life for something (a mistake) you made years ago? You should make amends with both parents. Mistakes or not on their part, they're still your parents. Mistakes or not on your part, you're still their kid. They had an affair and hurt you-- but that doesn't make it right to cut them out of your life and hurt them (even more) back. Don't let their actions with others ruin your relationship to them even more. Chances are, they've forgiven you for times you've messed up. As for their affairs, only time and/or their decisions will conclude the affairs-- after they (hopefully) see the hurt that affairs bring to all involved. But, that's only their decision-- you can only worry about your relationship to them and resolving your anger towards them. Perhaps personal (you) or family counseling might help.



psyguy
1789 days ago
While we all make poor choices in life, I feel that forgiveness should only be considered for those who 'redeem' themselves by correcting the hurtful behavior.

In my opinion, your mother is being callous to your feelings, putting her own wants first by way of this ongoing infidelity. By her endeavor, she is doing something immoral and hurtful to you, and others.

Not only does the affair harm you, but likely will cause untold harm to his marriage, children, etc. There is rarely ever just one victim in such matters. Perhaps she hasn't considered that her choice affects many. Often people are blind to the extent of damage they cause with such departures.

I'm not saying that you should break all ties with either parent, merely that you can love them while still not condoning the behavior(s). Make it know that you do not approve, that you will not compromise, and will take no part in the matter. Your respect for both parents has been fractured, but not your love.

Accountability is what you are struggling with, or their unwillingness to that end. It's something that is in short supply these days.



Clyde
1780 days ago
I can definitely understand and appreciate your frustration dealing with this.

I dont really feel you should break relationships with either parent, but do let her know that you are hurt, and explain to her that this was the same kind of issue that broke her and your Dad up to begin with.

Best,

Clyde