My boyfriend had a baby in 2007 and was seperated with his ex a year after or so and by 2009 we started dating, and we had a baby this year. What i really need help with is, up until now i cant seem to be happy because of his past. he doesnt see his other kid at all..not since we've been together, which makes me think he doesnt go after the kid anymore because of me? which is not right. but he tells me that he doesnt want to do that because for one the kid is older now and it wouldnt be right that he would all of a sudden show up and say "hey im your dad" after all those years, and two the kid has/had known another guy to be like a "father figure" to him. His whole family specially his sister gets to see the kid, but not him... its an extremely weird situation and i dont know what to do about it. sometimes i think that it bothers him that hes not in the kids life but he NEVER talks to me about it. I promised myself in the beggining of our relationship that i wouldnt do anything like what his ex did to him. She cheated on him with his sisters fiance and they were together until recently. i saw that he tried so hard and faught for their relationship despite what she did to him because he wanted a family, until i came along and he said he wanted a life with me.

This had caused a million fights between us. I feel like he wants to be there for the kid but he cant due to finacial reasons and mainly because of me (or us). Everyday i fight with myself and my "crazy" thoughts of him wanting to be in his kids life which comes with being in his ex girlfriends life, his "first love" and "first family". i dont know what to do anymore at this point. i cant talk to my parents about it because they know nothing about it. im not sure how they would handle knowing about it.

He tells me im crazy because i constantly tink about it, think about him doing me wrong and doing things behind my back.he wouldnt talk because he thinks that it will upset me if he goes around them, which may be true. He says things to me like "im not sure if he's even mine" but then when it comes down to it, everyone he knew or if someone would ask its always "i have 2 kids" or they ask how his other kid is doing, which is weird for me sometimes.

I get sad and it kind of breaks my heart thinkin that our child isnt the first one he saw to be born, it bothers me when everything i do with my kid is new to me but not to him. i know it sounds so selfish but i tried, i tried and put up with it but its eating me alive and its ruining our relationship! the worst part about it is that on holidays his other kid and his ex comes around to his parents house and eventually our kids are going to be old enough and were not even sure if were going to tell our child about possibly having a step-sibling. So instead of having a relaxing holiday, i stress like crazy!

I really need some advice as of what to do. I cant stop myself from thinking about him wanting to go back to them. I feel like he puts on an "i dont care" act but he really does and when he goes in silent sometimes and his mind just wonders off when were just at home, i feel like he thinks about it because honestly, our life would be prefect if it wasnt for his situation. i mean we love eachother, were living on our own, we have pretty much whatever we wanted, we love our child to death, we talk about getting married soon enough, but when it comes down to it,sooner or later he has to face the fact that he has another child that he left behind. one of these days we.. both of us will have to face them. also they live in the same city theres never a guarantee that we wont have to deal with them (like he tells me). I feel like he hides things from me!!

I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE. I love him to death but his situation is making me wonder if i should stay with him or not. i also want a complete happy family for our child, but its really hard for me to be happy. this may not be a big issue to some people but it's driving me to the insane side! Please help. Im counting on your reply.

Thank you and hope to hear from you soon.


Answers


Chemar
978 days ago
Honestly, the best advice I can give you is stop obsessing over this! and just try to enjoy your own life and your children and be thankful for what you have!

I do not think it is right that your partner is not in his other child's life, but as I do not know the situation that actually caused this, I am assuming this is what he feels is best. So based on this, why are you creating a problem where one does not exist. He is with you and your children!

If you keep going on at him this way, you will drive him away. All you are doing is making yourself (and likely him) miserable. Let go of your insecurity and appreciate that you have a man who has chosen to be with you and the children you share.



needasavior
978 days ago
i know, i would really loved to stop thinking like this. but i cant because when it comes down to it everytime his family are around, they ask him about it, they want him to figure out what to do, which pretty much is paying his support and taking the kid. but hes brushing it off.

She also tried to come after him twice already. Im scared that any day she would come and take him from us. I was already told by his sister that im the only reason why their not seeing eachother, that its my fault! you think id like to carry that with me for the rest of my life? he chose to be with me but we both know in the back of our head that were doing something thats not right, even though when it seems like we're doing all things right.

I've tried to talk to him about it but it's sucha sensitive topic for both of us. What do i do to get him to open up with me about this.



needasavior
978 days ago



bella
978 days ago
Hi - can you explain what you meant when you said "she also tried to come after him twice already". Does this mean she wants him back or she wants child support"?? Was she cheating with her sisters fiance when she got pregnant..wondering if this is his child for sure.

If he's certain this is his child, he honestly should be in his childs life. This is part of him and you need to encourage him to be financially and emotionally supportive to his child. If he's with you, I doubt he wants her and yes he'll need to have civil communications with her. Forget about you not having the 1st child - 1st, 2nd, 3rd...it doesn't matter - its not like there's a limited amount of love available. Imagine for a minute if you were little and had a father in this situation - its far better to have all the adults be mature and handle this well. He needs his father and you being supportive is the right thing to do.

If you think his ex does want him back, then he needs to make her understand this won't happen but all of you need to put this aside for the children. I also think your child should know about the step brother. Your BF is probably worried about showing his feelings to you - let them bond and try not to be threatened - this is the honorable way to handle this. This child is no less or more important than your child. It also sounds nicer to call him a child rather than a "kid". The children are innocent and they deserve all the adults getting along with each other.