Avatar Posted by amyjomishler 1413 days ago (Question)
My x boyfriend has an extreme insecurity and ugly jealousy issues. He is obsessive, compulsive, and controlling all at the same time.

Let me explain; he gets obsessed with his thoughts, thoughts that are not true getting idea about something and dwells on it, meditates on it until it's a reality in his own head. He will pick out only part and pieces of a conversation to verify that the thought in his head is true. He grows paranoid after he has convinced himself that his imagination is true. Then he starts judging, making accusations, accusing me, someone is doing him wrong and becomes too far out to pull him back into reality. It has gotten so far before, that he has accused me of saying things, in a conversation with him, about something, that we never even talked about.

His thought process ends up controlling him, his attitude, his behavior, his eating, his spending and his love. That is where his control over me comes in. Paranoid, obsessed about the idea I am lying or cheating on him. I spend time with family, friends, do stuff with the kids, and he will literal pout. I go out with the girls and every time, I'm accused of trying to pick up men and cheat on him. If that accusation doesn't go as he had planed or (thought out), he will go to the extreme and degrade me by saying I'm having sex with my girl friends. I'm completely not gay or bi. It gets so bad that if were at the store and I tell the cashier thank you and have a nice day, by the time we get back to the car I'm cheating on him, with the cashier.
He says he loves me and then chooses not to trust me. When he questions me, I feel I'm being interrogated. No answer is good enough, because what I tell him is the truth and it doesn't match what he already believes in his head. I'm overwhelmed just trying to explain this all.
Someone please tell me what is wrong with him.


Answers


Fpsy
1413 days ago
Hi Amy,

what an incredibly hard time your having with your boyfriend, love isn't about controlling your partner or being abusive. Small amounts of jealousy in relationships are natural and lots of people have that, but your boyfriend is a whole different story altogether. I don't know exactly what is wrong with your boyfriend, but I can say that his behavior is abusive and it is unlikely to change. This is not what love is about. His behavior is more likely the result of his personality and something that is unlikely to change in the near future. Is he using drugs as well this could be making the situation worse. Either way, he has to take some responsibility for his behavior and he isn't doing that. It appears that you have tried reassuring him but this doesn't work. So he doesn't seem motivated to want to actually change, because the way he sees it, the problem is everyone else not him.

The most important issue for you is your safety. The question you have to ask yourself how much longer are you willing to put energy into a relationship that seems to be abusive and damaging and likely to get worse. So I think it's time to end your relationship, but you need to make sure your safety is a high priority. Does your family know about how your boyfriend acts around you. Are you in contact with your family. Do you still live at home or are you living with him. Has he ever been physically violent with you and do you feel safe leaving him. If your still at home it might be worth explaining all this to your family, if you find it hard to talk with them print out what you have written here and show it to them. If your still at school use the services of the student counselor they are there to help support you through this difficult time.

I wish you well.
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Edahn
1413 days ago
Well, that was fun to read.

What's wrong with him? You said it all. He's insecure and that makes him paranoid. He doesn't know how to be kind to himself. Judgmentalism probably won't help either.

Best,

Edahn
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bella
1413 days ago
I'm a little confused because at the beginning of the post you refer to him as an X boyfriend. Is he your X or is he your boyfriend? Anyway I think that you should totally separate yourself from him, even if it means getting a restraining order. He needs help dealing with these issues.

This isn't love.
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amyjomishler
1412 days ago
sorry about the confusion, we had another fight and haven't talk with him, in a week. I don't want to talk with him again, ever. I haven't told him that it's over and don't think I should. I just need to stay a way from him. thank you amy
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bella
1412 days ago
I think you made a good decision and make sure you stick to it because he may try to convince you otherwise. Be firm, good luck and be safe. Bella :)
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Clyde
1399 days ago
I too think you made a good decision to separate from him. If he cannot be trusted, it is definitely hard to have a relationship with him.

Best,

Clyde
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sunnshine
1364 days ago
i am going through a breakup similar to this one///

so how are u doing now?
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sunnshine
1364 days ago
I ma going through a similar break up...

how are u handling it now>? what is the status?
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hungry4u
1228 days ago
I hate to admit it, but i was that guy in my past relationship. i caught my x lying to me about something stupid. She told me she was going to her grandmothers and went to the beach. From then on our relationship was harsh. I loved this girl so much, i really thought we were gonna get married. I let my insecurities get the best of me and us. My insecurties basically controlled my life; what i thought, how i felt, how i lived, and so much more. I knew she could get any man she wanted and i constantly wondered why is she with me. I always thought she was lying and cheating and on a daily basis, something of that nature would be said. I regret so badly that i didn't trust her like i should have because my world is just ruined. I would have tryed to give her the world if thats what she wanted, but now its too late. I know its probably to late for you and him, but break up with him and break his heart. I know that sounds mean but its the only way. This will give him the motivation to lose his insecurities and if you ever came back into his life you wouldnt regret it because he would treat you like the queen that a good women should be treated like and it would be like when you first started dating him; beautiful!
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