Avatar Posted by sfa1 28 days ago (Question)
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, we have been having a hard time the last 3 years because of his family. He does everything for his adult daughters, his 24 year old daughter he cooks her meals for her and he goes to the store for all her specialty foods about 4 times a week. We only get to see each other about 45 minutes a day and 5 hours in total on the weekends. I get angry because he will go shopping with his daughter for 2 hours on the weekend and they live in the same house yet that takes time away from our relationship. I have told him that we do not have a relationship with the amount of time we spend together but he just keeps saying be patient and things will change soon. I have been hearing that for almost a year now. I told him that actions speak louder then words. I have been offered a new job and it will mean that we will not even get to see each other during the week now so he told me that if that thought bothered me then I should not take the job. I told him that we are more like friends now then a couple and I think that he is just with me so he has someone to go out to dinner with on the weekend. He denies this but with the lack of time we have together and the fact that I am not allowed to stay the night at his house because the feels that it will make his 24 year old daughter uncomfortable. I just don't know what to do anymore, should I wait and see if he is going to follow through with his promises or should I leave him until he makes the changes and starts putting us first over his adult children.


Answers

Written by Fpsy 27 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi staf,

does your boyfriends daughter/s have a disability, is this why he spends so much with her and cooking her meals and buying her food. Perhaps your boyfriend is not in a position to be in a relationship at the moment. He is clearly putting his daughters needs before you. You have already waited a year and there has been no change.

What is he waiting for, what change is coming? what has he told you about what change is coming. Change doesn't happen on its own, someone has to make the change.

I can see how frustrated you must be, but unless his daughters have special needs, they are adults and it is important that they learn to be independent on their own, rather than relying on their father.

You and your boyfriend don't seem to be able to discuss what happening and really listen to each other. Ultimatums don't work. I doubt leaving him is going to make him see things any differently. He doesn't seem to be listening to you.

You are clearly not getting your needs met in this relationship. Perhaps it is better for you to find someone, who has quality time to spend with you.

I would not put a job on offer for the sake of a relationship that is having problems. I think it would be wiser to take job if you really want it and need it.

You have been together for five years, and three of years have been difficult and there has been no change. I don't see things changing for the better anytime soon.

Written by sfa1 27 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

thank you for you reply, no his daughter does not have a disability she just thinks that her Dad should do everything for her. His daughters control him and make him feel guilty because of his leaving his marriage to their mom. They are both just like their mom they control him and he just will not say no to anyone but me.

Written by Fpsy 27 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

He also allows them to control him, he could set boundaries with them but he is not doing this. He doesn't seem to think that there is a problem.

I think if he has been unwilling to do this for so long know, nothing is going to change. You have already spoken to him about how you feel and he doesn't seem to understand how this is impacting on you. You can't make someone change if they don't want to. All you can do is change, and then see what happens.

So, take the job, go out with other people, see your friends, spend less time trying to make him change, and more time on finding someone who will have time for you.

Written by Clyde 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I believe Fpsy has it right--go out on your own and do what you want. He may never change.

Best,

Clyde


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