My husband, Sherman and I have been married for a little over two years. This is the second time each. He has two teenage boys, my children are grown. I was married to my first husband for 25 yrs, and he never laid a finger on me. Sherman the husband was married for 15 yrs. to his ex. His ex said to me when Sherman and I first started to go together, "you probably dont know, but "he has a temper". I shrugged it off to jealousy, or just trying to get her digs in on him. Well we have had quite a few arguments in the last two years especially after the " I do's" were said. It has been constant turmoil in my life with this man, from his ex-wife, his screwed up kids, and his screwed up family business that was closed recently. A debt load of his to the tune of 80,000 in credit card and divorce debt, that we just had to file bankruptcy on, plus losing his house (short saled) (which he didnt make the payment, his Mother did) Now he's un-employed, doesnt want to look for a real job, and is always questioning my thoughts, my feelings, my where abouts, my friends and my family. He has a problem with other poeple talking to me when we go out socially,( he says he's "shy") especially people of the opposite sex, no matter what the conversation is, how long I have known them, or anything. He has said things about my character behind my back to his buddy, I caught him on the phone when he thought I wasnt home, and on more than one occasion. This April we went out for a few drinks and some dinner to the local Legion that we are members at, and after a while I could tell he was getting cranky. People were all around us and there was a lot of conversation going on, but every now and then I would catch a glimpse of my husband looking at me with a less than happy expression on his face, and a not so nice look in his eye.. Mind you, I have known a lot of these members for over ten years. And Sherman is a member for the last year and a half. Well he was getting undone and by the time we got home he was just downright angry. We have been having a lot of trouble with his oldest child who is a 16 yr old, and any one that has raised kids knows what a difficult time of life that is. Not only for the teenager, but the parents as well. I am not the childs parent, and any authority I did have regarding this child was yanked away from me by his Dad. Long story short-He said some mean rotten things to me that night after we had been out drinking, and he really hurt my feelings by saying what he said to me. He was basically attacking my character, and that was now in my face. It wouldnt have bothered me so much if it would have been the first time he said something stupid, but its like the hundreth time, and I smacked him with an open hand across the back of his right shoulder blade. He back-handed me in the face and knocked my glasses off me, busted my eyebrow open and gave me a blck eye. The first hit from Sherman, caused me to smack him again, -which was by this time a defensive reaction for me- in the back of his head. Then he back-handed me again. This back-hand bloodied my nose. My nose was literally bleeding, and profusely. I had to use a kitchen towel and an ice pack. After the fight ended, he said it was just a reaction to me hitting him first. I didnt hurt him. He hit me twice, and I dont think after all of this arguing and all of the stupid crap I have had to endure with this unemployed, middle-aged father of two, who by the way does have a four year degree, and could do so much more, that I should even consider staying married to the man. The thought of it makes me very very sad. I feel like all I tried to do for all this time was to bring a sense of balance and stabilty to him, and his sons and by doing so it would bring me a sense of purpose again, my kids are 30 and 25 and on their own. I fell in love with him, I converted my faith from a cradle Roman catholic, to Eastern Orthodox catholic and I did love him....I brought good stuff to the table in me I think. I raised my kids in the church. I did everything I could do to be a good partner to him, in spite of the reservations some people had about us getting married. I dont need counseling. I think I just am giving a little more than I am recieving. And recieving a few things I dont deserve.


Answers


Chemar
1621 days ago
yikes!

you say you dont want counseling ...but honestly, you have just described one of the most dysfunctional relationships I have ever heard of. I think you both need to take a long hard look at yourselves.

No, he should not have been violent with you, but you did throw the first punch. No excuse for him to hit you! but what a cop out for you to feel that not "hurting" him justifies hitting him. It sounds like you both were fueled by alcohol and said and did some pretty serious things to each other.

it sounds to me like the only way forward would be counseling as it seems you need neutral territory to try to work this out.

I guess you need to ask yourself "do you want I stay with him? and if so why?" and then either pack up and build yourself a life without all this baggage, or decide to stay and be a partner to help him put right what is messed up



Edahn
1621 days ago
My feeling is that you've become addicted to abusing each other and will have a hard time leaving. But honestly, you know this is a horrible situation. It's rife with pain and tragedy and it will NEVER, EVER get better. You both need to be alone, look at yourselves, clean up your behavior and mind, and then see if you can find someone to be with who doesn't bring out the need to abuse and be abused--someone you can form a healthy relationship with that doesn't REQUIRE that drama. I hope you remember this.

Edahn



Nomoretogive
1620 days ago
As a victim of spousal abuse in all three realms (verbally, emotionally and physically) can I say: GET OUT NOW! Check with a lawyer about his premarital debt, I dont think that is yours but it could depend on what state you are in. You dont have to worry about kids since the ones you are respobnsible for are gone. He will not change even with couselling, he desperately needs anger management help but that is NOT your problem. REAL MEN DONT HIT WOMEN - PERIOD! Let me say this again: HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Please, get out and go anywhere you can. I escaped from my husband into a friend's attic and the only thing I had in there was electricity and tons of dust. Her renters below me were kind enough to let me use their sink on occasion but I went into "camping" mode and stayed there for months getting myself straight and strong. You are too precious to have this happen to you so use the resources you have at your command and go.



Nomoretogive
1620 days ago
Chemar: "No, he should not have been violent with you, but you did throw the first punch." Really and truely not a fair statement to say to the greatly unequalled side of this couple. Would you knock a kid across the room if one should "punch" you just because he threw the first punch? MEN SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER HIT A WOMAN - EVER!!!!!!! He is way stronger than she is. Her "punch" (which she described as an open-handed smack, was as harmless to him as a mosquito bite. I believe her description because it is rare a woman actually makes a fist and punches anything in anger. Our first reation to insult and injury is to slap, Ive done it when my ex got in my face curing at me and because I did it, that gave him all the more reason to "punch" me between my eyes. The more I think of that statement Chemar, the more angrier I get. Lolomo, please DO NOT internalize that statement, you did nothing wrong for him to beat you like that. Icant say this enough: MEN SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN!



Chemar
1620 days ago
ummmm Nomoretogive...perhaps you didnt read what I said as you selectively quoted and took what I said out of context!

I said

>>"No, he should not have been violent with you, but you did throw the first punch. *No excuse for him to hit you*...."

In no way did I justify a man hitting a woman...but I also do feel strongly that NO_ONE has the right to raise their hand to another, because violent acts tend to breed more violence

*That* was my point

there is no excuse for *either* a m an or a woman to hit one another....ever. And sorry Nomoretogive, if you react by slapping someone, then you too are guilty of physical assault. Whether you slap or punch, you are raising your hand in anger and hitting someone and that is not ok...EVER!

sorry you did not like my answer but violence from a woman toward a man is as unacceptable as that by a man toward a woman. Hitting another person is simply not ok, ever!



bella
1620 days ago
lolmo - to be honest, it sounds like you have lost respect for your husband completely and he obviously doesn't respect you either. I wouldn't recommend couples counseling - I think you should get out ASAP and file for divorce. I think you both should get counseling separately, so you can learn better ways to solve conflict even though you won't be together.



Fpsych
1620 days ago
Your husband has all the hallmarks of an abusive partner. Controllling angry and violent. He has been violent in his past and he will be violent again. Violent men always make excuses for their behavior, say they will never do it again and always do. You will not be able to change him, no matter how hard you try.

Your options are this.

Stay and hope that he changes. Being mindful that change rarely happens, and children are severely affected by domestic abuse. They learn from their parents.

Go to the police, file a report and see if a court order can be made for him to enter a mens domestic abuse program. You should also see your own therapist.

Start making plans to leave. Start thinking about what you need to do, get work, save money, find accommodation, find a lawyer.



Nomoretogive
1620 days ago
Thank you for clarifying Chemar, I did not absorb that second part of your sentence with the first part running in my mind. Although, being absolutley correct in saying that noone should lay a hand on anyone, with an aggressor such as these men, they will do just about anything to the point of laying their hands on the woman and when she even tries to push him away (let alone smack him in anger or defense), that is their cause to physically retaliate. Spousal abuse is my root issue for being here so this is a very passionate subject for me. Sorry if I miss took anything you said.



Clyde
1620 days ago
Break the relationship now and get out. You two fighting is no good...and yes, you either need counseling or get out of the relationship...can you be happy like this?

I didnt think so. I hope you can one of these days...

Best,

Clyde



planted
1620 days ago
Are you crazy!?!?!

Leave him. NOW. No if, ands, or buts. LEAVE HIM.

Then, go seek treatment for your own anger problems.

I feel sorry for everyone involved in the screwed up situation.



TruthHurts - LiesKill
1619 days ago
i understand you do not want counseling but it would be the best for you. i dont think you shall be together any longer. this was a very bad time in both of your lives and it does not need to continue. I hope you will do the right thing.



johnny5
1619 days ago
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Tamijon
973 days ago
I realize this blog is 647 days old, but there is a counseling available that my husband and I are taking, and it's FREE; the organiztion is Caringfortheheart.com. The ministry is located in various cities throughout the State. If you and your husband are sincere about making changes in your relationship and admit there has to be changes made in the both of you as individuals for you marriage to work, then this is the counseling session you should look into.

May God bless you both