Am I bipolar? I have reached a point where I don't know and I need someone outside of my circle to tell me. My husband and I just had another huge fight where he ended up saying I am crazy, and I said that I want a divorce b/c I am miserable. The truth is I would be miserable without him because I love him so, yet I want him to go away and quit hurting me. My friends say that he is abusing me emotionally and that I am just protecting him which I disagree with about 90% of the time. I guess I should talk about the history and the actual fights we have. I had depression for a brief period when I was a teenager, and my husband is a disabled vet, and has bipolar (manic-depressive) disorder which he does not take his drugs for. I am obese and we both chain-smoke which I know is a depressive. My husband was a carpenter and can no longer work due to his disability so he is going to school. I work full time at the school and take classes half time. Our fights always seem to come back to housework and the distinction between Men's and Women's roles. I am expected to cook dinner, do dishes, do laundry, and clean house. Needless to say I cannot find a way to make me to do all of this which is not fair to him, because in the start of our relationship. Our house is a mess and the laundry piles up into a big explosive fight where I say it is not fair for me to go to work, cook dinner, do dishes, and be expected to do everything else while all he does is go to school, and later in life when he is working and I am at home w/ children I will be expected to do the same things that I think he should do now. He says the difference is I am a woman and when he is bringing home the money it will be more than I am bringing home now which makes the situations different. This brings us back to the escalating fights with me screaming, and crying; both of us taking jabs at each other, dredging up old hurts, and me following him when he just walks away. To him I don't carry my weight, I am lazy, and I am overly emotional. To me I say that he does not care about me, just the idea of me. That is when it comes to the point where he says that I have psychological issues to overcome, and that I am driving a wedge between us. I have almost come to the point where I think he is right, and that I dont have the right to expect the things that I do, because honestly he is the same guy that he was before I married him. At the same time from what I have found out about bipolar disorder is that those who suffer from it have a tendency to blame things on others rather than accept responsibility for themselves. So am I losing it? Am I depressed? Is there a chance that I am bipolar also and am putting everything off on him? Or is it that I am allowing myself to fall victim to his disorder? Thank you very much for responding I know that was a lot to read.


Answers


twentytroubles
1818 days ago
If he things it's a woman's job to clean house, he needs to grow up.

With that said, it sounds like you both are jealous of each other. You don't think he works enough, and he doesn't think you work at taking care of the home enough. Have you considered something like couple's therapy? As for if you're bi-polar, you could seek out a psychiatrist and determine if there are any issues. But, housework and life fights are pretty common marriage squabbles, in my opinion.



psyguy
1818 days ago
Set aside your self-diagnosis. I dread when people diagnose themselves merely because they believe they fit some criteria for a mental disorder they've heard or read about. Almost always, they're presumption is inaccurate.

Every relationship has conflicts. Arguments rise from differences of opinion, from stress, from poor health, and more. They are an inherent part of our human social existence. Arguments are an attempt at a resolution between individuals. They are our emotions given rise from desire for fairness and closure of unresolved concerns.

Chances are that you are not bipolar, but rather caught in a cycle of "Fighting Unfairly". There are tactics and methods employed in this style of fighting that seem to fit what you've described above. This is a telltale indication of a struggle for resolution(s).

I'll give you a brief synopsis of both Unfair and Fair Fighting.

Unfair Fighting includes shouting, name calling, dredging up past indiscretions, blaming, wild accusations, lack of accountability, unwillingness to compromise, recruiting others into arguments, threats of departure, lack of empathy, and emotional indifference or abandonment. Rarely does anything get resolved when this method is employed.

At the extreme end (interpersonal abuse) are demeaning comments (stupid, ugly, fat, etc), destruction of personal property, threat or actions of violence (physical and/or sexual), financial sabotage, defamation of character, and general cruelty and malice towards another. Should any of these be employed, it's time to consider an exit strategy from the relationship.

Fighting Fairly is an endeavor to do everything opposite of the above. It includes civility, no shouting, no name calling, speaking in turns, staying focused on the matter at-hand, fact-based statements, being accountable, willing to compromise, keeping the argument centered within involved parties, listening, having empathy, and resolving the issue in a respectful and loving manner.

There are a many books and articles on this subject, all of which are a benefit to people who are struggling to resolve difficulties in their relationships. It would benefit you both to look into this to start. Each of you may then begin to compromise peacefully to resolve your differences.

Yes, there is an undercurrent of concerns with your relationship... his injury and loss of work has likely affected his self-worth, your weight/health affects your self-image, the cluttered house causes a feeling of disorder and unease, smoking and lack of exercise contributes greatly to health-related stress, etc. These are all important issue that should be addressed.

But remember that relationships are a mutual endeavor, the responsibilities shared 50-50 or, ideally, it should teeter roughly near the 50-50 mark. When it becomes grossly imbalanced, it's time to talk Fairly about matters.

Resolution always starts with a willingness to listen and be heard in a constructive and respectful manner.



Clyde
1809 days ago
I dont think there is any diagnosis here, except for two people who are in a relationship not fighting fair and so "used" to it and each other that you both are taking mean and hurtful jabs at each other.

Is there a way you both can end it? Sit down and talk to each other calmly and promise not to fight bad anymore?

Best,

Clyde