Avatar Posted by AdamLeeBearden1 235 days ago (Question)
My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years now, our marriage started out really rocky, i was in an accident and had surgery and was medicated to a point where i didnt know if i was coming or going. I ended up getting into a fight with her and somehow police got involved and i said she was abusing our son at that time was 1 year old. Since then its been almost over 13 years since that day and i have never disrespected her in any way shape or form, infact i treat her like a queen i do everything for her, cook, clean, laundry, take care of kids even though my only down fall is its hard for me to hold a job i am not a slob that doesnt want to work i find myself having a job for about 1 1/2 - 2 years and end up getting let go or laid off. other then that our marriage has had the normal ups and downs with fiances, etc. but about a month ago i wanted to surprise her and install a photo of our family on her background on her phone and when i opened the phone there was a text message on it and it was a conversation she and one of her male friends had been texting back and forth at first i saw just a little chat didnt think nothing about it and then i started scrolling down and it turned into a hard core sexual chat something you would see in a porn or somethng so i confronted her about it and she said it was a game that they were playing and she doesnt even know why she did it but it was stupid and it wont happen again. I was like ok! So about two week ago i seen a page open on the computer in facebook and i noticed that she had been calling him babe, mi amor which is spanish for my love and then she put a password on her phone and now i got an email from someone with a screen shot of a post she sent him with a photo of a man holding his penis and shes making a comment the it reminded her of his penis. so i again confronted her about the photo and she told me it was a game and shes doesnt know how to stop. and she admitted to me that she has felings for this guy both physically, sexually but has not acted on them and has not had sex with him and told me that she would never leave me for another man that if she left me it would because of our marriage strugling, she told me that she is having a hard time letting go of the past that happened over 13 years ago and we have 2 kids 13 and 6 and i want our marriage to work out i love her very much....so i guess my question is is she cheating or is it a game and what should i do?????


Answers


Chemar
234 days ago
Hi

even if it is a "game" to her, it is still a form of cheating!

And sorry but for her to use whatever happened 13 years ago as an excuse now is just ridiculous.

If she wants to save your marriage, then I think you should insist on the two of you going to see a marriage counselor so that you can both talk it out with someone who is neutral and trained to help.
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bella
234 days ago
I agree with Chemar - if in her text where she said "its looks like your penis"....that's a clear clue she's seen his penis. I agree its also a lame excuse to use an incident that happened 13 yrs to explain her behavior now. She knows you feel bad for that incident and is preying on your weak spot to wiggle out her obvious guilt. Don't fall for the excuses and ask her if she wants to save the marriage by going to couples counseling. This is no game for a married woman.
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MEdwards
234 days ago
Chemar and Bella are absolutely correct. :( I think she's aware of what she's doing, and the "it's a game" line is nothing but a weak excuse for cover. Frankly, the fact she password protected her phone after being caught the first time shows me that she's cognitive of what she's doing, and doesn't want you finding out again. Not wanting you to find out again means she intends to do it again. :(

If I were you, I'd insist on couples' counseling, as Chemar said, and she HAS to drop this, entirely. Otherwise...I'm not sure what to tell you. :(

Please know you're in my prayers, and I wish you my best.
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drgoodheart
234 days ago
My heart goes out to both of you. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, but obviously needs help. Good counselling will help clear up issues of respect, commitment and self-esteem. Sometimes religious beliefs can help too. Divorce doesn't have to be the outcome. Online sex can be addictive and needs to be dealt with. If she hasn't slept with him, in her mind it's possible that she doesn't see the harm. What need is being met for her? Can you meet that need instead? Open communication is critical but very difficult with emotional issues. If psych therapy is too costly, approach family services, a minister or NGO with a trained marriage counsellor that you are both comfortable with. Don't leave unattended, act as soon as possible.
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Jene
232 days ago
Show / Hide
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Thisisit
229 days ago
She's lying. There's no "game." Ask her to explain the game - what are the rules? how do you win? can anyone play (HA!)? She's cheating. If not physically, certainly emotionally... and she does want it to become physical. This is sexual flirting. Accept that that's what it is. You didn't marry a saint. It's OK. Now go forward knowing the truth and deal with it as you see fit. But don't waste time trying to figure out if this is a "game." That's one of the most pathetic lines I've ever heard a cheater say.

P.S. You didn't mention if you knew the guy or his relationship to your wife (past/present). Besides the role of "other man"/homewrecker, of course.
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redridinghood
229 days ago
I was in a similar situation with my husband of 30 years. If she knows him well enough to discuss very private things then she has been involved with him... Don't take the game excuse, mine was joking and of course I knew better.My husband would take his phone to the bathroom with him even. She stated that the only reason she would leave you was if your marriage was struggling.......well what she is doing is causing it to struggle. Very hard to confront...... but must and have proof.
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