Avatar Posted by deems 126 days ago (Question)
Well okay where to start..sorry this might be a little long, please read all of it! it feels good to get this stuff out. I am 16 years old and I have a boyfriend of about 4 months...about a month ago I found out that he and my best friend of 13 years had sex while they were both intoxicated. I love this guy..I really do. I just feel humiliated. I am such a forgiving person..I forgave both of them days later because you could tell they were both extremely sorry..I know it won't happen again but I think about it all the time. When I'm drunk I always want to call my best friend and scream at her. It's like I don't want to be friends with somebody like that but I need her almost.. We were the closest of friends that you've ever seen in your life. We share the same brain. When I first found out I teared up but like I felt angry and just stopped talking to both of them..I was speechless. I was completely shocked, I didn't know what to say to either of them. That has never happened where I've been speechless like that. I'm in a way mad at myself for forgiving them but again it's like I need them. But it feels like if this were my ex boyfriend of a year I would have went nuts! I cried like the day after but it feels like I haven't broke down about it yet. I'm just disgusted by them still and I think about it a lot and I'm not ashamed to bring it up. I have no support in my life because I don't tell anybody my feelings. I just need some advice and some nice support.


Answers

Written by animuse 126 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Ouch, seriously.

Unfortunately you get the added bonus of being 16 - hormones are crazy and all over the place, you're not totally solidified emotionally. And the same thing's going on with them. But right now you're bottling up your emotions and that is the reason why this doesn't seem over. Thoughts going through your head like, "Will this happen again?" "Can I trust him with other girls?" "Can I trust her with my boyfriends?" You need to have a heart to heart with each of them, alone and privately. She's your best friend and he's your boyfriend, they both deserve to know your honest feelings about the situation now that you've been able to digest it. If it ends up in screaming or crying, it's okay. They are supposed to be your closest friends, and if they are, you will all get through it. If not then you'll know where things truly lay.

If you don't tell them about it, I can guaruntee things will get worse. Jealousy will hit, you'll lose your trust in both of them, and this thing will wall up the situation between you. A friendship of 13 years is an awful lot to give up for a boyfriend of 4 months, especially if you don't have a lot of support.

Some things you need to consider though (and I hate playing the devil's advocate on this) - how drunk do you have to be to disreguard your friend/girlfriend's feelings? I mean, yes, hormones can be a major influence, but it's not impossible, even as a drunken teenager, to not do it. Hence the heart to heart. You have to know, honestly and openly, where you stand with both of them. Do either of them honestly believe it can or would happen again? Do either of them feel as if they want to be with the other person? It's a hard question to ask, but you care for both of their well beings as well.

Just please be careful of the situation, know that not everyone is like this, know that this will not happen in every relationship you have. You are 16, and things can and will change over time. It doesn't really feel like it, but you will get over this. Make sure to take some time to contemplate and learn from the situation. Trust is the main component of all relationships, I hope you get to have it back :)

Written by Edahn 126 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

That sucks.

It sounds like you forgave them without fully processing the situation.

I'd suggest figuring out what you would need for closure -- something they say, something they understand on their own, something they do, something they write to you, whatever -- and asking them for that. If they're able to provide it, then keep that with you and move on, telling yourself that you've made peace with it and assuring yourself that you don't need to be hurt by it anymore. Then it won't matter if you still think about it.

Written by soso08 125 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

wow..sounds like you've got a big decision on your hands.

I had this same situation happen to me but instead of it being just my friend it was my cousin. My cousin and I were extremely close, best friends.She slept with my then bf and it devastated me.Unfortuantely for me she is family and eventually I had to forgive her but not before I told her exactly how I felt. I agree with the advice above about having a heart to heart with both of them if you still want both of them in your life. I don't know you but your young still. There are tons of guys out there that will treat you right and not hurt you so don't think he is the only one. I know that it feels like that sometimes and you end up jeopardizing yourself to hang onto one guy.I think what you need to do is take a deep breath,step back and really look at the situation and decide do you still want both of these people in your life and if you decide to hang onto both of them will you be able to fully trust them again? Good luck and I hope all turns out well :o)

Written by Clyde 117 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Yeah, it definitely sounds like you forgave them before you were ready to or before you even thought it out.

Talk to them about it, and you yourself will have to decide whether or not you want these people to stay in your life.

Best,

Clyde


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