Avatar Posted by dbain 53 days ago (Question)
Ok I submitted a question last week about my girlfriend not wanting to have sex. She claims its her drepression meds. so I took the advice givin and just sat down and talked to her with no questions that put the blame on her so she would not get defessive. She didnt get defesive and relizes its a problem but instead of saying Ill get help she said, ok I get it, its been awhile and you are about to explode. Almost like ok this is a job that I have to work up to just to make you happy. I wanted to die, I guess having sex with me is just an extension of work to her. She loves to look at me when I am naked, she loves to cuddle with me, she loves to touch me and kiss me but when I start getting excited she backs off and then I need a cold shower. I am in perfect shape, and very attractive and have woman and guys hitting on me daily. I turn heads when I walk into room, I am only saying this cause I know its not becasue I am not attractive. We have had great sex in the past, its was alway really awesome for both of us. I am really considering getting what I need from someone else, I know its not ok and I know its wrong and maybe I am being selfish but I need the closeness. I don't know what to do anymore......


Answers

Written by Chemar 53 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

IMHO your are going to have to be very honest with her and tell her you cant cope with a "sex as my duty" attitude

If she realizes she stands a chance of losing you or you being unfathful she may go to see her doctor and tell them about her loss of libido from the med and ask for either a med or dose change

If that doesnt work, perhaps she will agree to go with you to couples counseling so you can work thru this together in neutral territory

you having sex elsewhere isnt going to solve the problem..at least not if this relationship is important to you.

also, hard as it is, you do need to understand you arent going to be able to force her to enjoy or desire sex if that isnt what she is capable of right now, for whatever reason.

I do hope the 2 of you manage to get over this problem as it seems you were very compatible before

Written by jenmog 52 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Meds can take up to three months to kick in. Her loss of libdo might be the meds, or maybe the meds haven't kicked in and it's still the depression.

You have just assumed that having sex with you is an extension of work for her. Those are not the words that she used. That is what you assumed. She acknowledged that it was an issue for you. That's a good thing.

Were you hoping that she would magically become horny or were you hoping that she would just have sex with you despite not being in the mood? She can't do anything about how she feels about sex right now and she knows it.

The "downside" to depression for her is that her brain just suddenly decided that it won't work properly, her IQ and concentration will drop, she will now feel ugly, useless and probably suicidal, for no good reason, just because her body decided to be difficult.

For you, the downside is no sex for a wee while. If that is the only downside that you have to deal with, you are a VERY lucky man.

I'm going to let you in on a secret now - what ladies really think: You start cuddling, she gets relaxed, the first time she has felt relaxed all day, she's getting that nice sleepy feeling, mmmm, nice loving stroking, mmm, brain clearing out and calming down, feeling sleepy and relaxed for the first time all day... then BAM! The groping and the penis in the hip happens. Turns out he wasn't cuddling her because he loves her and wanted to make her feel better, he was just doing it in the hopes of getting sex.

When you are cuddling and kissing her, she just wants to lie there after a long day and relax in your arms, know that you love her despite the hell she is going through in her head.

If she has started to associate cuddling with you trying for sex 95% of the time, she is just going to get stressed out and not want to cuddle anymore, which won't help your intimacy.

My suggestion would be the following, it worked for my BF when I was horribly depressed: Just cuddle her if she wants to. A proper, loving, I'm here for you and I don't mind that you are sick at the moment cuddle. If you kiss her, give her an "i love you as a person" kiss, not a "this is foreplay" kiss.



Do this for a week. Just cuddle and kiss. Take care of yourself beforehand so that you aren't tempted to be a groper. Once she realises that she can trust you, even when she's down, and that you have stopped acting like a teenage boy on heat, she will initiate something, no doubt about it! :D

Written by Clyde 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Try and treat her kind and slow. Sex doesnt always have to happen within couples who are in love--while it can be great--it is NOT the only part of the relationship.

Do the cuddle and kiss experiment thing. Write her love notes, send her flowers...

Best,

Clyde


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