Avatar Posted by Spears28 33 days ago (Question)
My husband and I have been married less than a year. We hardly have any sex life at all. In fact, in the past month and a half, we've had sex one time. I don't really ask that much. Maybe sex every other week even. I feel like this is ridiculous. He says he has a low sex drive from going through chemo about 7 years ago. I believed that for awhile. However, he views porn on the computer and masturbates almost daily. I tried talking to him about this and he won't discuss it. So, I don't bring it up anymore. But, I can see the sites he's been on. He's even left lube next to the computer. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. He obviously has a sex drive when it comes to viewing porn, but not when it comes to being sexual with your wife! I'm so hurt and bothered by this. I really wish that he could understand what this does to me. What do I do?


Answers

Written by Chemar 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

it saddens me so that so many relationships suffer because of the easy access to porn that the internet has brought.

You may have to be very firm with your husband and insist that he accompany you to counseling for this problem. Perhaps if he realizes it is going to have to be a choice between saving the marriage or continuing his porn/self life, he may pay attention. he is effectively being unfaithful to you by his selfish behavior, and if it is an addiction, then he needs professional help. If he chooses to ignore the hurt it is causing you, you may sadly have to evaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

I do hope he comes to his senses and goes to counseling with you so that the two of you can work thru this and restore your relationship

Written by bellacutie 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Chemar. Some people believe it's okay to watch porn as long as it doesn't interfere with their normal sex life. But this isn't the case with your husband. I think he's basically replaced masturbation/porn with your normal sex life. You're right if he can masturbate daily - there's nothing wrong with his sex drive.

When a person's addicted to porn, they can become desensitized to regular sex with their partner. They're so used to the exsessive stimulation porn gives - regular sex becomes unstimulating. All he has to do is sit there instead of making the effort with you. Addiction to porn can ruin a person's sex life.

You need to talk to him - but it's very important to approach him in the right way - calm but firm. You need to tell him that he needs to get help for his addiction - he's actually a sick person who needs help. He needs to understand how this affects you and how unfulfilling his actions are in the longrun for you and him. Tell him that you will be forced to end the marriage if he doesn't agree to get help. It's not enough to just stop the porn - because he'll end up going back - guaranteed and being more secretive! He needs to treat the problem at the root. Please don't feel angry or hurt because he needs help. Porn is so tempting and it's so easy to get trapped by it. If he refuses to talk - write him a letter. Best of luck with this. Bella

Written by conjohnlevay 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It's understandable that you're hurting. Of course you are. You feel inadequate because of his selfish behavior. He's giving no consideration to your feelings, wants and needs. It sounds as if he has some sort of a problem with intimacy with a "real" person. If he isn't willing to discuss his problem with you, he probably won't consider counseling either. But please suggest it. And, PLEASE, don't let him make you feel inadequate and undesirable. Maybe you need to do something to get his interest and show him just how sexy you are. Some men take their wives for granted and don't realize how desirable they are until another man shows interest in them. I'm not suggesting an affair or anything, but maybe if he saw you getting attention from another man, he might get a little jealous and realize how sexy you are. Good luck and best wishes. You deserve to be treated better.

Written by AppleJuiceGirl 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I fully agree with all the above posters. It sounds like you need to take him to counseling to REALLY talk about the issues, since he seems unwilling to talk to you about it. That would also help get to the core issues (it may be more than just sex).

Now, I think counseling is the best choice, but have you also considered.. Trying to spice things up yourself? Like Bella said, porn makes people become desensitized. It's all about what YOU'RE comfortable with, but your husband might appreciate a change in the bedroom. Role play, fantasy, dress up, domination/submission.. Things he can find on the internet, but may not want to bring into the bedroom with you. Sometimes when people watch porn, they have a distinct "thing" they tend to view more often -- if it's something simple like women dressing up like school teachers, would you be willing to maybe buy an outfit? Even watching porn together? I know some people dislike porn, and that's okay (and your husband's viewing of it is definitely out of control and unhealthy). Like I said, it's all about what YOU'RE comfortable with.

And I'm not saying that's the solution -- you wouldn't help an alcoholic by giving him a case of beer -- I'm just saying it might help in getting him away from the computer and back in the bedroom. A counselor can tell you if "spicing things up" is a good idea or not. It also really sounds like there are more issues than just boredom.

Good luck, and you do deserve to be treated better.

Written by Toonahmee 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I am so sorry you're going through this Spears23, I have a similar issue, and really have no true advice. Just recently after dealing with a simialar issue I found that porn is an addiction...I wish you the best with this, and what ever advice you do please pass it on. From what i hear getting them to admit it is half the battle.

Written by Clyde 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I definitely would talk to him about it. Counseling may need to be given to him (and maybe to you).

He may be sexually addicted:

http://www.sa.org

http://www.sca-recovery.org

and the more he looks at porn, the more conditioned he becomes to that kind of behavior, and probably the less he becomes tuned into you and your feelings.

Please talk to him and see if he can go to counseling.

Best,

Clyde

Written by Thisisit 29 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

For others to suggest that you give him an ultimatum (threatening to end the marriage) or demonstrate that other men are interested in you s irresponsible and even immature. Speak to a real counselor -- with or without him. There's a reason you fell in love with this man. I'm sure it's worth putting some effort into trying to find that man again before taking the easy route of ending the relationship as some as implying or outright suggesting.


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