Avatar Posted by bren1958 40 days ago (Question)
I am a woman who was in a 20 year verbally abusive marriage and got out of the marriage. While in my marriage, I was not allowed to have friends and find myself not knowing how or where to make friends. I went back to college and also met a fine kind and gentle man who I have been in a relationship with for 9 years. When we met his daughter had just turned 19 and moved out of the home. My 2 daugters were 17 and 14. My daughter's have been fine with my relationship as they want their mom to be happy. I have alway felt that his daughter did not like me, but kept trying.
While my boyfriend was out of town in late July, I spoke to his daughter regarding his upcoming 60th birthday. I explained that I was taking a week's vacation(I am an independent contractor and need to give a month's notice to get off work as my work needs to be covered) and that we would be gone during the week but would be home on his birthday so we could take him out to a nice place to celebrate his birthday.
I received an email from his daughter on 09/24/09 stating that my boyfriend's 2 brothers had contacted her and that they were coming to surprise him on his birthday. She told me that it was short notice and they were coming on 10/03/09 and that she arranged for them to meet at the cabin of her mother's best friend.(This cabin is 2+ hour drive from where we live and his ex-wife also lives there). I explained to his daughter that I would not be able to get him there, but she said she had made arrangements on how to get him there.
To make a long story short .... It was a party that all 8 of his brothers and sisters from all across the country came to, it was held at a bar with food, all his friends including his ex-wife and her partner were there. (I have never met any of his brothers or sisters.) This obviously was not thrown together in a 2 week time period. It is very apparent to me that I was purposely excluded.

I am beyond crushed. He is telling me I need counseling and should just get over it. He called his daughter and told her she hurt me and she "said she was sorry". I don't have any friends to turn to. Could somebody give me advice?



Answers

Written by Clyde 40 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Boy, that is pretty tough. Why wouldnt she tell you until later on? Doesnt she think you might want to help?

Why does he feel you need counseling? Did she herself tell you she was sorry or did he tell you she said she was sorry?

It is a bit problematic, because it being his daughter and all, and with them having a relationship too.

I dont mean to negate your thoughts, but you are sure it was not put together in 2 weeks? I mean, one hundred percent sure?

Did you get to do anything with him for the rest of the week? Could you explain to him that you wanted to do something special that week with just you and him?

Talk to him about it and see what he says. Be gentle with him, as he is crossed between the two of you--it is his daughter after all.

I can definitely understand your crushed feelings, and hope you got to do something with him anyways, especially by yourself.

Best,

Clyde

Written by bren1958 40 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

This was definitely planned long in advance. His brother made his a cannon for his birthday and shipped it to his daughter so it would be here when he arrived. There was an additional cabin rented from my understanding for all the brothers and sisters to stay at. That doesn't happen in 2 week.

He told me she was sorry and wants me to forget it.

I am realy hurt and I can't like him just forget it. Like I said I have no friends to turn to. He has told me all along that his and his ex-wifes freinds were mine too. I tried to make friends, but it is apparent they want nothing to do with me.

There is so much more. Thank you Clyde for answering. It means a lot.

Written by Paganini 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

As a child of a step-parent I understand the jealousy and displacement you can feel when your mom decides there's someone else she has feelings for. You know they aren't cheating because they're not married but all you've known is your parents together. My siblings and I adjusted fairly quickly to the situation while my stepsisters took almost a decade. I know it was super hard on my mother and there were times when she wondered if it was worth it. Step anything isn't easy, but I would be assertive and let him know how you feel. Who knows you may need therapy but it's not because you were hurt when his children purposely left you out of the celebration. If anything it's to deal with kids who are trying to hijack your relationship with their father.


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