Avatar Posted by janesuppen 132 days ago (Question)
I've been with my bf for 3.5 years and lived together for 2.5 years (he's 43, I'm 30). Though we've never had good or great sex (usually below average), over the past year its gone to basically once a month, and has been so bad I don't want to have it. Even being supportive and using Viagra his drive is so low and the experience is so angst-ridden and awkward, its resulted in a complete breakdown in our relationship. We've tried different things and methods and I try to be positive, but still I'm frustrated and frankly quite sad that at 30, I have seemingly committed to a lifetime of poor sex. I have suggested breaking up, but I feel so selfish and guilty, he keeps begging me not to and I quickly relent. Is it selfish and wrong to breakup over below average sex?


Answers

Written by Edahn 132 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Is it wrong? I don't think it's wrong. I think it's good that you know what you want and you've drawn a line about the quality of sex. If you want, you can try going to a sex therapist. If you were in a marriage with kids, I would highly suggest it. There could be a lot of CURABLE reasons the sex is bad: poor confidence, distractions and bad associations, poor skills, and problems feeling vulnerable. 3.5 years of bad sex could also create a history and therefore, an EXPECTATION that the sex will be a failure. A sex therapist, I assume, could figure out which one of these problems are coming up and give you some strategies for overcoming them, like positive thinking, taking things slow, or maybe even a game to take the seriousness out of sex and make it playful again. But the decision of going to a therapist depends on how much you want to invest into this relationship and at what point you want to cut your losses. If you think he's worth it, then make a call. If not, then move on. There's nothing to feel guilty about, in my opinion. You're being honest and avoiding a lot of disappointment that will make the relationship unsatisfying for BOTH of you.

~E

Written by DrTracy 132 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

You have a right to be happy, as does your boyfriend. From your message, it sounds as though you are generally happy, with the exception of your sexual interaction. If this is true, you owe it to yourself to try some strategies geared toward improvement. Consultation with a marriage counselor/therapist would be a great start. Also, the use of sensate focus exercises may help you to focus on the essence of touch, not the "end result" of orgasm.

Written by bellacutie 132 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I don't know if this is an issue or not - does he watch porn. The reason I ask is it creates alot of problems between couples, where the man gets gratification from that instead of his partner. If he views it too much it can create a situation where the man becomes desensitized to regular sex with his partner.

How was sex when you first met? I agree it would be good to try a sex therapist. TC

Written by janesuppen 130 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for the responses. We're seeing a therapist and we continue to "work" on it, and I feel there is a lot more work than benefit at the moment. Through this all I realize there is more than just sexual problems, a lot of various things that just rub each of us the wrong way. Right now, just trying to sort through things and decide if all the negatives are worth the price of admission -- still undecided. I'm tempted to ask for a trial separation, and see if just being alone and single would be the best thing for now.

Written by Clyde 129 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Maybe just give it some more time to work through the therapy?

Best,

Clyde


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