Avatar Posted by confused1 185 days ago (Question)
I am 28 and I have been out of college for a while. I have been dating my 31 bf for 7 years and I have never been with another man sexually. As a college student was friends with a guy. We were/ are very close and I ALWAYS felt very safe around him. After college he went into the army and I have not seen him since that time a year ago. This past weekend a mutual friend of ours threw a party at a local bar and I attended. My boyfriend had to work so another friend came with me. I won't lie, I was drinking. I was not blacked out but I will admit that if I had not stopped when I did, I would have. close to the end of the night my friend from the army (who had been drinking hard liquor for about 3 hours) asked me to walk with him outside for a cigarette. We were catching up and he said he dropped his phone as I went to help him he pushed me against a wall and was grabbing me so hard. I am covered in bruises all over my back, hips, wrists, and chest. He wouldn't stop. The friend I was with came and pushed him off me. I ran away and sat down on the side walk. My friend went to go gather my coat and cash out. The friend from the army walked over and grabbed my hand and kissed me. As he did this the hosting friends walked out and I was made to look like I was cheating. I left. The next day he didn't remember anything except I was mad at him so I told him no harm no fowl and my friend who hosted called me and gave me an ultimatum. I am to tell my bf or she will. I have felt so guilty. If I tell my bf he will never forgive me for being put in that situation and will leave me. I have built my whole life around this relationship, which I know is also unhealthy, and I can't afford to lose him. I really love him. I feel nothing for this other person and I am stuck. I need advice. by the way... It is well known that in college I had a short crush on this guy. SO now all of my friends think I welcomed it and that I would do it again. I feel awful. I don't know what to do.


Answers


Chemar
184 days ago
I am a bit confused...if you were fighting him off, how could it look like you were cheating?

Doesn't your boyfriend know that you went out with these people?

The only thing you can do is tell your boyfriend truthfully what happened.

And btw, for you to tell this other guy "no harm no foul" but call it "sexual assault" here is also a bit puzzling?

It just leaves questions as to what really happened, and just how much you actually remember. I do hope that this will be a lesson too about excessive drinking!
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bella
184 days ago
I agree drinking doesn't excuse trying to assault you and don't brush this off. Make sure you don't continue to be friends. Also agree this is a lesson about drinking and being responsible. Would have been better not to go outside with him but he still shouldn't take it as an invitation.

Be completely honest as you were here to your BF and explain to the your friend this was unwanted attention. If he doesn't understand, then I doubt he's a supportive person who can be there for you in future circumstances.
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gammie
184 days ago
They guy was drunk and seemed in his state to think that the later kiss that the hostess witnesseed, was amorous. Women often are so surprised that they don't know what to do and are not physically strong enough to protect themselves. However, understand this. He assaulted you. The "no harm no foul" thing let him off. YOU are not guilty. Yes, you were both drunk and signals got messed up. Tell your boyfriend the truth. And never get that drunk. Once I was at a bar for my sister and her friends as the designated driver. I had a guy that I had danced with ONCE follow me out to my car (to wait for my sister) and force his way into the car as I opened the door to get in. I could not move and tried to honk horn but he had shoved me over. Finally he just left after struggling against him and saying, NO NO leave. I think he actually thought he was being amorous!even though I told him to leave. I felt guilty. I told no one. Somehow I thought I was a bad girl. Years later, I realized that I was not. You are not a bad girl although you should not drink so much. That man stepped over the line. You need to tell the hostess what happened as well because she needs to be aware of the old friend's potential to hurt someone. Show her your bruises.
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bella
184 days ago
This post below is from MEdwards, who is having computer difficulty, so I'm posting it.

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I am sorry this happened to you. I do agree, in the future, please be careful with drinking...I've read more stories than I would like to that sound quite similar to yours.

At any rate, the best thing to do would to be absolutely honest with your bf. Explain exactly what happened, and make perfectly clear this was not something you welcomed. I would think the bruises would be more than ample evidence to back up your point. You could even show this post to him, I would think...it's time stamped and is consistent with what you're already telling him. I don't think he would have any reason to not believe you based off that.

I think the best thing to do from here on out would be to be very mindful of drinking in groups of people without someone (preferably sober) by your side, and I agree that you should sever contact with your "friend". His actions prove that he is no friend to you. I would also, if possible, consider telling your hosting friend exactly what happened at what you intend to do about it. Try to smooth over all possible bridges, if you can.

Please know you are in my prayers, and that I hope everything works out.
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MEdwards
184 days ago
^ I'm MEdwards, and I approve this message. :)

Thanks Bella. :)
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mark25624
183 days ago
If! You have witnesses!

ask them to testify for you to him!

If and when the time does come.

This person for all you or anyone knows!

Is just trying to see if they can get a reaction out of you.

There are people that do get off on it!

In the meantime!!!

Get your back up inline and ready.

This guy that abused you may also back this persons play as well.

Get anything/everything set just in case push comes to shove!!
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scano236
181 days ago
ok I'm going to say that you should tell your boyfriend. This was recent. Do you still have all the bruises? If you do then that is evidence. You also said you had a friend that rescued you which is more evidence that you were not complacent in this. I will say that you need to drop him as a friend. Unfriend him on Facebook. Stop talking to him. Refuse his phone calls. Actions speak louder than any words ever could. Now whether things get better with your boyfriend or not NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY AGAIN.... Most rapes occur by someone the victim knows. If your other friend hadn't helped you out then its likely he would have pushed and taken more.

Now on the other hand if you were a willing participant and were drunk and things got out of hand my advice is still the same. Stop being friends with this person and tell your boyfriend what happened.

Either way, As bad as it may be for him to hear it from you it will be 1000x worse for him to hear it from someone else.
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Sally568
176 days ago
You need to tell him you can't keep something like that from someone you love. He will find out one way or another an if should be from you, the sooner the better!
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