I am 20 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months. We went to high school together in our junior/senior years, but we didn't actually start talking until college. We began hanging out and I had a blast. I loved being around him because he could always make me laugh. I used to be nervous when we would hang out but as soon as I saw him all the nervousness washed away. He then asked me to be his girlfriend. I started to freak out and told him I needed to think about it. At the time I wasn't sure if i was ready for a relationship (I never dated anyone before him). After a day of thinking I told him yes. My thought process at the time was that I wanted to make him happy and that I was tired of being alone, but that second part I never fully admitted to myself until recently. I would think thoughts like, "I may not like him much now, but maybe I will grow to love him." and boy have I. I love him so much and I just want him to be happy. I would do anything to make him happy. The problem is that I still have days where I don't want to be in a relationship with him. He used to be very controlling. He would make me eat when I told him I wasn't hungry. If we were just laying there watching a movie he would move me to the position he wanted me in and wouldn't even ask if that was ok, plus he was too physically clingy. I eventually had enough of it all and broke up with him. I told him I wanted to experience more before I committed myself. He agreed with me but it still hurt him. I lasted two days before the depression kicked in. At the time I thought it was because I really did love and want to be with him, but now I don't know if it was just because he was a routine or not. We spent practically every day together so I had a lot of free time I didn't know what to do with. The first two days were great. I was so happy to be single. After I started to cry every night I asked him to take me back. It took a couple days to get him to agree to it. Things were great for a while. We talked things out and he has become so much less controlling its great. He is so loving and caring. I love him even more now. Lately I've been getting that feeling that I want to break up again. I know its not fair to him for me to be this way. I tried to think about it and write down my feelings. I tried to examine it from all angles but its so hard to be critical and logical when your so emotionally invested. I've come up with a few possibilities. One is that maybe I love him but am not in love with him. Is there even a difference? When we do stuff sexually it's pleasurable but I usually don't feel any spark between us. Some days I'll just look at him and think to myself "why am I with you again?" He seems immature at times and he even comes off as unintelligent at others. Another possibility is that maybe I just love the newness of a new relationship and since that's gone I want to find it somewhere else. Also I've noticed that I get this way when I'm close to my period. I start to feel trapped in the relationship and I'm a very claustrophobic person. I tried to examine those feelings in regards to the break up but I don't know if I feel this way because I'm just done with him, or if I just want some space. I tried talking to him about it but he just said that if I break up with him again then we are through and I wont get another chance. He said he wont even allow just a break. I feel so bad for hurting him like I am. He really is a great guy. His family is great and I'm friends with his friends. I'm afraid that everyone will hate me if I break up with him. I'm afraid of being alone and never finding someone as great as him. I feel so confused with my emotions. One second I love him to death and then next I wish I was 100 miles away. I just really want to know if it is at all possible to be able to figure out how I really feel. I over think way to much and I'm tired of it. I just want to know what to do and what's right for me.
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