Discovered, by total accident, that my husband of 8 years: 1) had been receiving bonus checks from his work the past year+ that he kept secret from me and; 2) had deposited these checks, totalling $14,000, into a new bank account I didn't know about; 3) was using this money to eat out, sometimes to buy groceries/gas/pay his cell phone bill, and to buy ridiculous ebay football memorabilia (while at the same time, I was stressing out because we were unable to pay all our bills); and 4) got his own PO box to hide the bank statements and the credit card statements (oh yeah, he also racked up $2000 on his credit card in addition to the $14K). We have 2 pre-school age kids, and we barely scrape buy financially. That said, I have 2 questions: I love my husband, and he is the best dad ever... I want my marriage to work, but not sure I can ever forgive this HUGE lie - dishonesty is about the worst wrong I can think of, and his lies are elaoborate. Is that forgive/forget rule even possible, or am I just totally naiive to think this could be worked out? Other than counseling, does anyon have ANY suggestions?


Answers


drjean
2244 days ago
CHARLEYSMOM31, I find it curious that you still describe him as "the best dad ever." On the contrary, no real dad makes his family scrape by while he lives high on the town.

Have you confronted him with what you know? There are 3 biggies in a marriage, communication, fidelity, and finances. You obviously have a problem in at least 2 of them. I doubt that you can work things out without an unbiased expert, but you surely can try.

Communication needs to be established, on an adult level without pointing fingers and making accusations. Obviously he has a reason for "needing" to do this activity. If you can share how hurt you are by this, and focus on how it makes you feel, without putting him down, perhaps he will share how he feels and that will lead to why he is doing this?

All marriages go through issues, some worse some not so heavy. That's what makes marriage: issues and working through them.

Good wishes!

drjean



charleysmom31
2244 days ago
Thanks for your input, drjean. I discovered this information about 2 months ago, and I immediately confronted him. His reasoning was that 1 year ago we were arguing about money so much, he started his own bank account so we wouldn't argue so much. He hates arguing and confrontation so much that he just shuts down when I try to talk to him. Yes, we clearly have a lot of work ahead of us if we're going to work it out. I guess I just feel like such a moron to have been fooled so badly for so long by someone I used to trust implictly, part of me just figures if I try to trust him again I really am foolish. I've lost my best friend, and my husband, and I don't want to lose my husband...just not sure we have the communication skills to get through this. Oh, and the best dad ever comment...as odd as that sounds, he is a phenomenal dad EXCEPT for the fact that he has no idea how to save money and to resist buying the toys he wants. I thank you for your time!



drjean
2244 days ago
Charleysmom31, I would suggest that you, too open your own private bank account and gain your own credit, without his name on it. Then take as much as he gets, and deposit it into your account. I can hear your and his reactions to that already. Why are you putting up with his antics? He needs help and either needs to grow up quickly or allow someone (you?) to act like his mother so that your son doesn't lack for things he needs. Unfortunately, your son will still pick up on the stress in the home.

I think you need couples counseling. If he refuses to cooperate with any efforts of making this a real marriage, then go to counseling for yourself. You need support to be able to learn what is worth living with and what is not. Living in fear with such stress and now knowing that one of you is living large, just isn't going to work for long.

I would also make sure that YOUR name is removed from any of his credit accounts. You call and do that, and let them know that you will not be responsible for any of his bills...put it in writing to them. If this becomes enough to cause a divorce, you won't need having to continue to pay for his fun.

There's a chance that once you begin to show some independence that he might take notice and give an honest effort. But even if he doesn't, taking charge of some things in your life will give you some relief and might allow you to think clearly about what else you can do to resolve the issues at hand.

TC

drjean



Clyde
2243 days ago
Hi Charleysmom31!

I agree with Jean. I do think that you should either open an account of your own, or at least get him to close his.

You guys can't just keep doing stuff like this--you guys are family. I mean, one minute he's the greatest, the next, he's not? I can understand your feelings of insecurity and not knowing which way to turn.

But you cannot let him (as Jean said) let you be his Mommy and him have his allowance, especially with two kids, and especially kids that young. Goodness, at least, until 18, I would say--you both should be more concerned about the kids than football memorabilia or anything.

I would recommend counseling too...

Best,

Clyde



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