Avatar Posted by PinkLotus 328 days ago (Question)
My boyfriend and I have been living together for two and a half years. Before we met I was so lonely it hurt, and we seemed to click so well. As time went on I learned we didn't have a lot in common. He won't watch horror movies with me, or eat Asian food, isn't musical, we have very different musical tastes. He doesn't have much of a social life, has alienated all of his past friends for different reasons (they were not trustworthy or engaged in activities that didn't interest him), and he doesn't particularly care for my friends. Even people that we spend time with as a couple he would not consider to be friends, and expresses no desire for a close relationship with anyone. When we are both home, we usually sit in separate rooms on our computers surfing the internet or playing video games. There never was a "honeymoon faze", we seemed to skip right over that and head on to something more like the 60th anniversary.
The biggest problems with our relationship would be that he doesn't believe in marriage, he doesn't ever want to have kids, I have never been able to get him to even imagine where we might be in five years, and we have grown apart physically to the point that though we live together and usually share a bed (for sleeping), we have had sex only five times in the past year. At the beginning of our relationship I realized that the physical aspects were fairly one-sided; he never seemed to reciprocate. After a while I realized I was doing all the work and stopped just to see what would happen. The result was months of hardly touching and no sex. I am at wits end now, and though I have tried to bring up these problems numerous times I never seem to get any sort of resolution. My psychiatrist has recommended sex therapy, but I'm not even sure I want to try any more. To top it off, we not only live together but we work together, have a dog, and co-own a large television. When I think about breaking up with him, I see all sorts of obstacles, not to mention the hurt this will cause us both and our families, and awkwardness between people we spend time with. I don't know if I want to rock the boat now. Why does he not show any interest in me sexually? I know he still looks at porn (I've seen it), yet he shows no interest in me. Why is he not physically affectionate? Why can he not think about or plan for the future? Why does he not want to have close friendships or trust others? Why does he not want to marry or have children? I don't know what to think or do now, I just need advice. What should I do?!


Answers

Written by Edahn 328 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You need to decide what your "walk-away" price is. What are the things you NEED to have, that you are willing to walk away for if they're not there? What's the bear minimum?

Once you figure that out, talk to him. See if he's interested in meeting those, and let him know that you're serious about these things. Ask him if he's really ready to do that, and tell him that if it's going to take hard work for him to try to be someone that he's not, maybe you both would be happier with someone else. Then you have to evaluate what he says and how he says it. If it satisfies you, keep going until he fucks up again. If not, then move on.

Written by Clyde 327 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with edahn, you do need to find out your "walk away" price. What is important to you?

Take care of yourself, realize what is most important to you, and go from there, and then talk to him. Dont just give in to what ever he wants to do. It is your life too.

Best,

Clyde

Written by jefft2300 325 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

WOW ,,, I ask myself ,,why can't I find a woman like you. But to be serious you need to get out of this relationship now. It will not get any better. And be lucky you don't have kids with him. Turn the tables around in my marriage that's what I am living. However I have 2 kids and I love them ,,,but it mucks everything up. I am attached to this woman for the rest of my life....When lucky you can just say screw it and move on.

Written by emk6 245 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

"expresses no desire for a close relationship with anyone"??? Why would you even consider marrying someone when he shows no interest or concern for you, or anyone else for that matter? You are obviously unhappy and unfulfilled and you want to sign up for a life time of this. Mindboggling.


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