So I just confessed to my boyfriend that I have a compulsive lying problem. In the mix of confessing my lies I told him that I've snooped on him in the past. I did not tell him however that while snooping I found out he was looking online for an engagement ring for me (I was constantly looking in his browser history)

In the summer he proposed to me. I tried to act as genuine as possible even though it was no surprise to me. I felt horrible for ruining the surprise and snooping on him for no reason, as I do really trust him. (I am working through my problems of snooping and lies)

When I told him everything today, I left out the part of me finding the engaement ring. He told me tonight that if I had anything else to confess now was the time - and that he would give me till tomorrow evening to decide if there was anything else to tell him (he wants to be able to deal with the problems and be able to move on without it coming up again in the future. He said that would only make the healing process take longer)

I really want to be fully honest with him. But I'm wondering if I should tell him this information or not. It's the only thing I did not disclose. I know it's best to be honest with him in this situation, but I just don't know if this is something I should tell him.

What should I do?
If I do tell him, what should I say?


Answers


series0
2684 days ago
So I am sensing a theme here. You also chated on him twice in the first week you agreed to go steady (unless there is another poster on this site with the same username).

In both posts you have exactly the same situation. You lied about several things at once and then later came clear only partway, leaving one extra secret in reserve.

If these issues are all true (and you can probably understand why I might doubt) then you really do have some issues with trust. Your trust issues are wrapped up in why you lie and why you snoop. It's almost like a competition. You say to yourself, I'll lie and discover the dirtly lies he has first so I can win! Underneath all of that is a implied belief that everyone lies like you.

As can be seen from your own example, its is often the snooper that is themsleves the one that needs to be snooped on. You are so worried about his possible cheating or whatever else he is hiding that you violate his trust and right to basic privacy. I've had girlfriends do the same thing to me in a few different relationships. After the first one I learned the pattern and knew if they snooped they were most likely cheating on me or considering it. For me now its a real dealbreaker without some serious comeupance (like what you are trying here).

Still you seem to recognize it as a problem. I think you might benefit from therapy on this particular issue. But even if you do not go to therapy consider this: If you resolve within yourself to stop lying then you might belive within yourself that this is possible. if you believe it is possible that someone wouldnt lie then you can trust. See how it works? You are able to believe someone because you are yourself believable. Perfect!

Be honest and dont lie to him anymore. Disclose everything or the part you hold in reserve will grow like a bad seed and erode your own belief. Stay mindful of the fact that you are prone to this behavior. You will find it very easy to relapse at many points in your life. You and he might hit a bad spot down the road and you'll be tempted to cheat/lie. Remember though that the things you do to others negatively impact you just as hard. Stay focused on not lying. A good rule of thumb is that if you need to lie the relationship is not worth keeping.

Good Luck!



Molly
2684 days ago
Don't tell him about the ring. Leave this one alone and work on all the others. Trust me; what he doesn't know on this one won't hurt him.



bella
2684 days ago
I would like to know if you've had the lying before you met him - have you always been like this?? I think since he's giving you the chance to disclose everything - go ahead and tell him. I agree if you've done this before you met him, you should see a therapist. You need to promise him that you won't lie, snoop or cheat again. He deserves to be trusted.



pindrop
2684 days ago
Thank-you very much for your honest and good advice. I decided it was best to tell him EVERYTHING and stop holding anything back. As much as I know it hurt him for me to tell him the truth I think it was for the best. Now we can move forward with nothing left to hide. I really do love him and want to put my best foot forward in becoming an honest and genuine woman.

Since he knows all my faults I feel he can really love me for me instead of this fake image I have created for myself.

I agree that I have trust issues and that I clearly need counselling. I really want to stop all the hurt I tend to cause - for him and me.

He is the BEST thing to ever happen to me and I am definately lucky to have him. I hope I can one day be the woman of his dreams that he deserves.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to find a good counsellor?

I am in "improvement mode" and I want to continue down this road. I can't do that without some help.



pindrop
2684 days ago
And yes, lying is a pattern of mine that started since I was young. I would like to break the cycle so I can have a real and fullfilling life. I didn't realize how much of a problem it was until recently. I always knew it wasn't right but now I know that it makes mine and everyones life around me hell.



series0
2683 days ago
pindrop,

You have a fantastic attitude and I think you are already showing clear signs of transformation in yourself.

Keep that going by all means!

One of your key challeges will be understanding WHY you felt the need to lie so much in the past. You are recognizing the symptoms. Still, the closer and closer you get to the source of why you lied the more likely it is you will lie to yourself about being better. I think one of the best realizations you can have is that you are a great person. There is no need to lie to prop that up. You have done some amazing tranforamtive work and you need to protect that and not backslide or stop growing. Like many addicts (and real counselors) can tell you, you never stop craving the addiction. Accepting its a part of you and always guarding against it will insure you dont slip back into that pattern.

Great work! I hope your boyfriend sees all that you are trying to overcome and your dedication and respects the opportunity he has.