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I am 31, married for almost 4 years to my husband who is 33. We have never had sex. When we dated, by the time we were ready to have sex, we knew that we would eventually get married, so we decided to wait until then. It was a mutual decision, but I asked my husband if we would have a "normal" sex life and he assured me that we would. Now, we are almost 4 years into the marriage, and I don't know what to do. He has used every excuse in the book (doesn't want me to get pregnant, afraid it won't be good, doesn't feel well, no time, etc.) I sought counseling and my husband joined me for a session, but the therapist couldn't figure out why he is not interested in sex with me. He has no physiological problems, no history of abuse, and is not gay or cheating on me (those are facts, not opinions). I have been supportive, understanding, demanding, patient, quiet, assertive, etc at various points in our marriage. I don't think that I can live in a sexless marriage much longer. I really love my husband, but I am out of answers. Please help me figure out if it is time to give up on him.
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Answers
It's possible that he's being avoidant because he's afraid about disappointing you, and after 4 years, maybe he's thinking that you're expecting a lot. Do you guys have oral sex? That could be a way to ease into things.
I think you should try visiting a sex therapist, or at least paying more visits to a therapist. Explain to yourself why it's so important to you. Even offer to let him go alone and incorporate you after (in case he's ashamed, which is really possible).
If he refuses to make the visit or to discuss the matter with you, you might want to tell him that you're questioning your entire marriage. That would certainly put some pressure on him to get organized and get honest. Also, if you're TRULY thinking about leaving, you're being honest, rather than just playing games.
If he absolutely won't put any effort into it, you might just have to leave and consider it a mystery. If he's really unwilling to put effort into solving this problem that you're having, maybe you don't want to be married to someone like that anyway.
Hi Irish,
I can certainly understand your dilema. What happened on the honeymoon night and what reason did he give for not consumating the marriage? Has he ever had sex with anyone prior to the marriage? Do you both cuddle and kiss where he just backs out at that point. Does he get erections? When you said "he assured me, that we would have a normal sex life after marriage"- I'm wondering, were there any red flags before you got married, that made you doubt whether sex would be normal.
There is a classification called 'A-Sexual' and they are described as people who don't have sexual desire for either sex, male or female. I never heard of this until a year ago when I saw it on TV. It could be that your husband is like that and doesn't even know the name for it. They just don't have the normal attraction or desire to have sex. I'm not saying your husband has it, but I wanted to make you aware it exists. You might want to look it up on the internet and show it to your husband in a gentle way. You can lovingly open the conversation to find out if he has ever been actually 'turned on' to want to have sex. You don't in any way, want to make him feel bad.
If you find out that he's not A-Sexual then you can then ask him to share with you what exactly is the obstable for not having sex. Tell him that you are at a critical point in the marriage, where you need to understand for your own peace of mind and happiness sake. Tell him after 4 yrs. the typical excuses just don't make sense. If he claims he does have desire, but just can't seem to do it, then I would suggest seeing a sex therapist who specializes in problems with sex. Then the therapist would have to delve into the psychological reasons he hasn't consumated the marriage.. He has to be willing to work with you and the therapist to find a solution to your problem. Tell him that you need to know if there's hope in ever having sex. Reassure him that no matter what answer he gives, you'll accept it and still consider him a friend.
The answers that he gives you will determine if you can stay in this marriage or not. I think he's lucky to have you stay with him this long. Try your very best not to get in a fight with him because I suspect he'll just close up and then you won't get the answers you need. Best of luck to both of you. I hope everything works out.
Thanks for responding. To give you more detail, the night of our wedding we were both exhausted. I really didn't expect much to happen, so I really wasn't disappointed. I understand that may couples do not consumate the marriage on the wedding night.
My husband has had sex with other women before me, though, not many, only two.
Right after we got married, there was a lot of cuddling and kissing, but after being turned down so many times, I just try to avoid it totally. It crushes me everytime he says no. But nothing has been initiated by him in maybe two years or more, and if I initiate, it's like emotional suicide. It's just setting myself up to have my self-esteem kicked down again.
Physically, there is nothing wrong with him. He's a normal guy physically, and I know that is not the problem. I also know that he is not cheating on me.
I'm at a loss. I just don't know what to do.
Try a different therapist, moreover It takes more than one session to uproot a problem that is apparently gripping far deeper than anything the average person can grasp. I commend your fidelity. Good luck!
Wow. I am going through almost the exact same thing as you are, Irish. You are not alone. I felt like I was the only one going through this, but I have come to discover that it's not as uncommon as I thought. I feel for you. I really do. I have no advice to offer. I'm sorry. I know it's not at all easy.
I'm in the same situation - I've been with my fiance for just over a year, we got engaged at Christmas and moved in together a few weeks ago. I'm 25 and he's 35, and we're both what you could call fairly attractive. I love him to pieces and am sure that he's the one, but he won't touch me - he hasn't even tried. I've brought the issue up on a couple of occasions but have always tried to be patient and understanding, but now I'm scared that I'm effectively giving up any kind of intimacy for the rest of my life. I know he's had partners before, and he occasionally lets me 'sort him out' in the bedroom, but he's never done more than kiss me. He's used every excuse possible - waiting until he's sure I'm the one, waiting until we're engaged, waiting until we've moved in together - we've done all this and yet I'm the one who's still waiting. I feel so low and so rejected, but every time I bring it up, he hits the roof. He either won't talk about it at all, or acknowledges that it's an issue before turning over and going to sleep. I don't know what to do - is it right to have such a cold marriage? Any help / advice much appreciated.
Get out while you can! I am realizing that just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that you are supposed to be with them.
How do you know for sure that they are facts? I dont mean it mean, but how do you really now? I dont mean to get something started, just asking.
No, it necessarily isnt right to have a cold marriage, but outside of sex, how is it going?
Is it going well outside of it?
Best,
Clyde
Unfortunately, I have had suspicions about him cheating, but I have snooped in his personal stuff and have found nothing. I don't think he is cheating because his bank records, receipts, credit cards, etc. don't reflect that. He's almost has too low self esteem to cheat. I also thought about him being gay. He is certainly turned on by me, he has normal erections, and there really aren't any signs that he is gay. I have really weighed these possibilities, and there really isn't a reason to suspect that he is cheating or gay. I think he may have a low sex drive, but he refuses to go to the doctor.
what if you told him that you were going to have an affair?