Avatar Posted by PurpleLayla 103 days ago (Question)
Hi there. This is the first time I've made a post here so I'm sorry if it makes no sense!

Basically, I have an enormous phobia of intimacy. The thought of being alone with someone, even if I know them very well, is terrifying for me. It even applies to my Mother and best friends.
I also cannot cope with the idea of having sex. I have had sex once in the past, so it's not a "fear of the unknown" thing, however, I shook all the way through it and didn't enjoy it in the slightest (though the lack of enjoyment may have been more to do with the fact that it was my first time). I don't have any moral obligations against sex, I am not religious, and have not been raised to think of sex as a bad thing. From the age that I received "the talk", I have always been taught that it is the most natural thing in the world.
The whole thing is ruining my relationships with friends and potential partners, as I never spend time alone with them. I find myself turning down anyone who is remotely interested in me, because I'm afraid they want sex and I know I just cannot bring myself to do it.

I have never been attacked, sexually assaulted or molested, so there is absolutely no reason for me to think or behave in this way.

Has anybody else had any experience with feeling like this, and does anyone have any tips to make this go away? I am 19 years old and I would really love to have a normal relationship and normal friendships where I'm not always worrying that my friends will get sick of me blowing them off, but the way I am completely prevents that.

Thank you very much,
PL.


Answers


bella
103 days ago
Hi and welcome to PC. Let me understand you - you're afraid of intimacy even it it means being alone with your mom/family and also afraid of sexual intimacy? Regarding family - is it actually being alone with them or bonding, such as close conversation? Do you have social anxiety and did you enjoy the sex at all? Did you want to have the experience or were you coerced?

There are some personality disorders where people don't crave sex and in fact they don't like any kind of intimacy. There are also Asexuals, who have no interest in sexual intimacy, but can enjoy peoples company. Do you want to have sexual intimacy - if the answer is no, then maybe you should look up Asexuality. If you want to improve then, maybe a few sessions with a therapist will reveal whats stopping you from enjoying this part of your life. Good luck.
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MEdwards
103 days ago
Hello there Layla. I'll do what I can.

I have to confess, as a guy, it's odd to me that if you were visibly shaking throughout the whole of your first time that your partner would continue...that seems extremely inconsiderate of him. But if you still fear it now, I'm not sure I'd chalk it up to fear of the first time (though I imagine that played an initial part of your fear in that particular instance).

I'm not a doctor by any means, but I think the best thing you could do to help your fear of being one on one with people is to try to force yourself to be with people for small lengths of time, then gradually increase it. Explain the situation with your mom, and start by spending time with her. When it's too much, don't worry, don't feel ashamed. Just explain you've hit your cap, and politely excuse yourself. Once you start feeling comfortable with that, try it with others. Over time, you will rationalize that there's nothing to be afraid of by spending time with just you and a friend, and it'll become less and less of a problem. :)

As for the fear of intimacy, if I were you, I would explain the situation to anyone you've an interest in. If they really care for you, that won't be an issue in the slightest. Furthermore, I would advise you that if you're ever uncomfortable with something in a sexual scenario, you don't allow it to continue. No man who loves you would want you to be anything less than perfectly comfortable in that scenario. You don't owe it to anyone to...shall we say, "perform" (sorry...I had trouble thinking of how to word that) for the sake of appearances. When you find that special someone you're ready to share yourself with, start slow, and don't rush things. Only do what you're comfortable with.

I don't think it would hurt for you to talk to a therapist about this. They have the knowledge to help you better than we do (though we love to help, of course). If you have a school counselor you can talk to, why not set up an appointment with him or her? It could only help. :)

I hope I was of some help Layla. I hope things work out for you.
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PurpleLayla
90 days ago
Thank you very much for both your answers, I really appreciate it. :)

And MEdwards, I'll definitely bare that in mind, thank you.

Layla.
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