Avatar Posted by AppleJuiceGirl 33 days ago (Question)
This isn't very relevant to psych issues, but I just wanted to update from my last question about confronting my boyfriend. Again, it's really long (and I promise, my last post for a while), but maybe it might help someone in the future, I know I learned a few things myself.

Here are some things I learned from tonight. I'm not claiming that this will work for everyone, but they've unexpectedly worked out for me:

1.) Things aren't always what they seem. If you're gonna snoop, do full research because there may be more than one explanation (even if "it looks bad on paper").

2.) When confronting someone about a problem, give them something to think about. Walk away, cool off. Come back and hear they're thoughts. They might surprise you.

3.) Don't bottle up feelings until there's a "straw that breaks the camels back." You'll only open up Pandora's Box. Deal with the issues as they come, not let them be forgotten in the back of your mind -- they become a ticking bomb.

4.) Talk in a calm voice, with limited emotion -- explain your emotions rather than screaming them or only getting a few words out between sobs. It helps focus and keeps the other person calm as well. If the other person starts yelling, calmly say, "stop yelling, I have neighbors."


Here's the story which explains the above:

My bf, again, was acting a little suspiciously tonight. I suspected him of looking up/at things on the internet he didn't want me to know about (I just have intuition, I guess). And found out later he had deleted all my history.

I recovered my history and found out he was looking at porn. Porn isn't a big deal to me, but what shook me was the sites titled "ilovecheating.com" and "yourf*ckbook.com." I decided I had enough and brought everything (lying, shady behavior, neglecting me, cheating) up to him. Even though I said I wouldn't on his birthday.

Since we had planned on going out tonight with some friends, I declined and told him to just come over afterwards. He came over before though, after dropping them off at our destination.

So, I began to explain the things bothering me. Mainly, I accused him of lying to me and looking at websites like "ilovecheating.com." He angrily denied the whole porn thing and said they were pop up ads. He denied the lying as well, because he said the girl canceled their plans so they didn't ever hang out. He got defensive and asked whether or not he was allowed to have friends. My answer was "yes, but why lie or hide it?" But then he had to leave because our friends were waiting and said he'd come back later.

While he was gone I relooked at the websites he was surfing and after organizing everything (time wise) discovered that -several- of the sites, including the cheating website, were actually pop ups as he claimed (but probably from looking at porn -- as a side note, "ilovecheating.com" is either a very difficult site to get into or non-existent, which is weird since it shows up in my history). Again, I don't care about the porn as long as he's not an addict.


My boyfriend is so hard to discuss things with. He gets angry, defensive and part of his defense is trying to make me feel like "I must be joking." So, when he came back I was really surprised by his attitude. At first we just chatted about daily occurrences and what not until he finally began talking about our issues. Surprisingly, he hit the nail on the head. Most of what I had to say about him/our relationship, he said about himself. He feels that he neglects me and we don't have fun anymore (we usually sit on the couch and watch tv together, rarely go out). He feels that we need to connect on a deeper level like we used to. And I couldn't agree more. He also says that he understands why I don't trust him and feels that if we were closer I would not have trust issues because he feels that he would not have to lie/hide things, and I wouldn't constantly wonder if he's telling the truth if I'm with him more. He said that he needs to take me and our relationship off the backburner and pay more attention.

He did most of the talking and I think it's because he had time to really think about what I said and draw his own conclusions, which were right on the money. I guess it made me realize that "my" issues were "our" issues, and he felt the same way. It was WAY better than our previous "let's talk" talks.

I also apologized for jumping to conclusions about the cheating website, although (even though he still denies it) I think he was looking at porn, which is why that ad popped up in the first place.

I'm feeling a little miffed still, mostly because I didn't get to say what -I- wanted to say with -my- words. After his long heartfelt speech, I couldn't bring myself to say, "I appreciate that and thank you, but here are 13 other issues I want to talk about." And tear him down after he's basically told me he's going to try to make amends and change. Which that was the CORE issue, anyway.

I did tell him that I was honestly thinking about breaking up with him tonight and gave him a few other things he should work on (like being more thoughtful of me).

He also told me some issues he's having, which explains a few things. I thought he did not enjoy going out with me, which is why he rarely wants to/invites me. But, he told me that he doesn't feel right going out since he's broke and I have to pay (I'm the one usually paying and have been for the majority of our 2 year relationship). Also, because I've loaned him a lot of money and he feels like a loser having me pay for MORE things. Understandable. Now that he has a better job and is making more money, he feels that we can go out more. His new job also gives him more free time as well -- free time he wants to spend more with me.

So, yes, we're still together and I'm giving him another chance. Yeah, he's lied to me and betrayed my trust, has been neglectful and honestly, I've heard this "same song and dance" a couple times. But HIM coming up with his own solutions to these problems, rather than just me talking at him about it... That's really something I wasn't expecting. And I think it's a good thing.

As he said, tomorrow's a new day and we need a fresh start. I'm still not sure if this is going to work out, if he'll change. But tonight felt good. I'm going to give it another shot.

Thanks to those who replied to my last post, it meant a lot to get some feedback. And helped me organize my thoughts for this talk tonight and prepare me for "the worst" if it needed to come to a break up.



Answers

Written by bellacutie 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi AJgirl,

you're right, your post was long, but worth reading. You mention some very important communication tips - You really have a cool head on your shoulders for starting the conversation and then agreeing to let him go out with friends. Another person probably would have insisted to talk till the end and ruin the night. I don't know how old you are - but you're much wiser than your years I suspect!!

That is an excellent sign that he opened up on his own - he must have sensed your seriousness. I'm also glad you're not fooling yourself, thinking everything going to be perfect - you both need to continuously work together. I applaud you for trying to understand him. Best of luck to you both :D Bella

Written by conjohnlevay 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Bella said it all perfectly. You are a very wise girl, and I think your boyfriend finally realizes how great you are. It's great that he finally was able to open up to you and admit that he has problems. All relationships take work. My parents were married for 65 years, but they both knew that they had to work together to make it work. And in all the years I lived with them, I never heard them yell at each other. They talked things out calmly. Best wishes to you.

Written by Clyde 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I do like that you have decided on your own ways to deal with things...that is SUPER important to deal with.

No one can make your decisions for you--that is why we are an answers service.

Best,

Clyde


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