I experienced my first panic attack at age five. I just remember standing outside with a burning face and very cold hands. I think it was because my dad had just left my mom bleeding because he'd beat her up. A lot of times, after they fought, they'd have sex. We shared a bed because my father "couldn't" afford to have two. That and we lived in a car repair-shop office. We had to make it seem like we didn't live there. So, every few nights, they'd get on to doing things and I always felt odd. Whenever they'd do things, I'd feel severely guilty and I'd sob and lay motionless until they were done. My mother would press her body against mine and I just felt disgusting. Then my father's hands would come around my mother's arms and eventually to me. It was dark when they did these things, so I'm not quite sure if something went on. This went on from age five to about seven. Then I'd sleep on a couch and they'd sleep on a bed, but they'd still do their things since I was situated on a couch right next to the bed. These nights would go on until I was about 11 and my parents separated. I also remember thinking about sex at around age four. When I saw Leonardo DiCaprio on the Titanic, all I wanted was for him to go in a carriage with me and get naked. I wanted him to touch me. Same with Nick Carter from the Backstreet boys. I was four when I started all of this. I would pull down my pants and pretend one of them was a big teddy bear I had. I'd lay the bear on top of me and kiss it pretending it was Leo or Nick. At around third grade, I felt something go in/around my "private" area, but all I could see was Nick Carter. I was about to sleep or it was dark when it happened, because I could feel Nick. There was one situation in a river, that makes me cringe whenever it pops into my mind. My mother and father took me to a river because I used to love it so much. There was a little pond and they decided to go in. So, I walked in first. Since I couldn't swim, my mother went in and held me by the chest. I'm guessing somewhere along the lines she'd taken her underwear off because my dad took his pants, his shoes, and I guess his underwear off, but in the water. They started having sex as my mother held me tightly. All I remember feeling was sickness. Guilty. Disgusting. I could feel my father's thrusts through the water, my mother's moaning. Actually, there was a similar incident on the back of a van. We'd gone camping with my brother and sister, and I had to sleep at hands of my mother, with my father behind her. She's hold me tightly and I could feel her warm body against my own. My brother and sister couldn't do anything because my parents were always in command. My sister told my brother and I that she was molested by my father and that he said that if she ever told anyone, he'd kill her. He literally held her at gunpoint. My brother was constantly physically abused and neglected by my father since he denied him being his son, because he didn't witness my mother's pregnancy. My mother devalued all of us and always gave way to my father. She could've gone to ask for help, but she never did. They'd hit my brother and sister, but my mom was the only one who'd hit me. Not as bad as them, for she'd leave my brother bleeding and my sister in tears. There was one time she hit me because it was my fault my brother had received a beating by my father. I told her to stop crying, in tears, and I wet the bed. She didn't stop until I yelled "I love you mommy". She still continued for about 20 seconds, but it hurt. I think my buttocks were bleeding since she spanked me for about two minutes with all her force. She would also say, this was later on, when I was around 13 and 14, that she never wanted me in the first place. That she regretted not having an abortion. That she hated me. Amongst these memories, there was another one when my father was drunk. He was talking to my mother about how much bigger my butt was than my sister's. I was about six and my sister was 15. My mother seemed a bit off, she joked saying what he was doing checking me out. I felt really dirty and almost threw up. Even before that, I'd started to fear every man that came near me. That commentary only accentuated what was already there. I didn't exactly fear my brother for those reasons, since he only bruise me after he'd been hit. Other than that, he was nice, I guess. That was until fifth grade when I started to near puberty. All I could feel around men and my mother was shame, dirty, and fear. I was very shy, and couldn't start up many conversations with people because I'd feel like vomiting and I just couldn't handle it. I still can barely handle it. When men come near me, all I want to do is cry. There's only been one boy that I didn't mind for a brief period of time. After about two months of talking to him almost every day, however, I came down and hid. I felt as if he was just going to hurt and use me. All young men/old men I see, I feel the same way. It branched off into me fearing anybody that can walk around and hurt me. I can't say I want to be lonely all the time, I really wish I had a man that wouldn't hurt me. But to me, that's just a fairy tale. I don't believe any good man exists out there. I honestly don't.
I also had a problem with bed wetting, if that means anything. It was also before the spanking and mommy thing.
I'm 15 now, and I'm truly considering suicide as an option. Amongst these troubles, one of the things I do to suppress sadness, is eat food. I've gained much weight, and I feel horrible. That and I'm failing school because I couldn't handle public schooling because of all the socializing that went on. Too many people to be around. I love people, I just don't think I can be around them. I'm internet schooled, but for the past five years, I've found it hard to focus on anything. I used to love reading, learning, and I was always the "smart" one of the class. I know I've always been on top of my game, I just couldn't show it. I was too embarrassed to be known as the "nerdy girl". I know these problems don't even compare to a lot of lives, but I can't go on. I really can't. I just can't. I'm too weak.
Sorry for the jumbled post. My mind's just all over the place.
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