I experienced my first panic attack at age five. I just remember standing outside with a burning face and very cold hands. I think it was because my dad had just left my mom bleeding because he'd beat her up. A lot of times, after they fought, they'd have sex. We shared a bed because my father "couldn't" afford to have two. That and we lived in a car repair-shop office. We had to make it seem like we didn't live there. So, every few nights, they'd get on to doing things and I always felt odd. Whenever they'd do things, I'd feel severely guilty and I'd sob and lay motionless until they were done. My mother would press her body against mine and I just felt disgusting. Then my father's hands would come around my mother's arms and eventually to me. It was dark when they did these things, so I'm not quite sure if something went on. This went on from age five to about seven. Then I'd sleep on a couch and they'd sleep on a bed, but they'd still do their things since I was situated on a couch right next to the bed. These nights would go on until I was about 11 and my parents separated. I also remember thinking about sex at around age four. When I saw Leonardo DiCaprio on the Titanic, all I wanted was for him to go in a carriage with me and get naked. I wanted him to touch me. Same with Nick Carter from the Backstreet boys. I was four when I started all of this. I would pull down my pants and pretend one of them was a big teddy bear I had. I'd lay the bear on top of me and kiss it pretending it was Leo or Nick. At around third grade, I felt something go in/around my "private" area, but all I could see was Nick Carter. I was about to sleep or it was dark when it happened, because I could feel Nick. There was one situation in a river, that makes me cringe whenever it pops into my mind. My mother and father took me to a river because I used to love it so much. There was a little pond and they decided to go in. So, I walked in first. Since I couldn't swim, my mother went in and held me by the chest. I'm guessing somewhere along the lines she'd taken her underwear off because my dad took his pants, his shoes, and I guess his underwear off, but in the water. They started having sex as my mother held me tightly. All I remember feeling was sickness. Guilty. Disgusting. I could feel my father's thrusts through the water, my mother's moaning. Actually, there was a similar incident on the back of a van. We'd gone camping with my brother and sister, and I had to sleep at hands of my mother, with my father behind her. She's hold me tightly and I could feel her warm body against my own. My brother and sister couldn't do anything because my parents were always in command. My sister told my brother and I that she was molested by my father and that he said that if she ever told anyone, he'd kill her. He literally held her at gunpoint. My brother was constantly physically abused and neglected by my father since he denied him being his son, because he didn't witness my mother's pregnancy. My mother devalued all of us and always gave way to my father. She could've gone to ask for help, but she never did. They'd hit my brother and sister, but my mom was the only one who'd hit me. Not as bad as them, for she'd leave my brother bleeding and my sister in tears. There was one time she hit me because it was my fault my brother had received a beating by my father. I told her to stop crying, in tears, and I wet the bed. She didn't stop until I yelled "I love you mommy". She still continued for about 20 seconds, but it hurt. I think my buttocks were bleeding since she spanked me for about two minutes with all her force. She would also say, this was later on, when I was around 13 and 14, that she never wanted me in the first place. That she regretted not having an abortion. That she hated me. Amongst these memories, there was another one when my father was drunk. He was talking to my mother about how much bigger my butt was than my sister's. I was about six and my sister was 15. My mother seemed a bit off, she joked saying what he was doing checking me out. I felt really dirty and almost threw up. Even before that, I'd started to fear every man that came near me. That commentary only accentuated what was already there. I didn't exactly fear my brother for those reasons, since he only bruise me after he'd been hit. Other than that, he was nice, I guess. That was until fifth grade when I started to near puberty. All I could feel around men and my mother was shame, dirty, and fear. I was very shy, and couldn't start up many conversations with people because I'd feel like vomiting and I just couldn't handle it. I still can barely handle it. When men come near me, all I want to do is cry. There's only been one boy that I didn't mind for a brief period of time. After about two months of talking to him almost every day, however, I came down and hid. I felt as if he was just going to hurt and use me. All young men/old men I see, I feel the same way. It branched off into me fearing anybody that can walk around and hurt me. I can't say I want to be lonely all the time, I really wish I had a man that wouldn't hurt me. But to me, that's just a fairy tale. I don't believe any good man exists out there. I honestly don't.

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I also had a problem with bed wetting, if that means anything. It was also before the spanking and mommy thing.
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I'm 15 now, and I'm truly considering suicide as an option. Amongst these troubles, one of the things I do to suppress sadness, is eat food. I've gained much weight, and I feel horrible. That and I'm failing school because I couldn't handle public schooling because of all the socializing that went on. Too many people to be around. I love people, I just don't think I can be around them. I'm internet schooled, but for the past five years, I've found it hard to focus on anything. I used to love reading, learning, and I was always the "smart" one of the class. I know I've always been on top of my game, I just couldn't show it. I was too embarrassed to be known as the "nerdy girl". I know these problems don't even compare to a lot of lives, but I can't go on. I really can't. I just can't. I'm too weak.

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Sorry for the jumbled post. My mind's just all over the place.


Answers


bella
1566 days ago
Hi Junebug,

only a trained therapist/psychologist can speculate, whether you've been molested as a child(when the patient's not sure). You definatly lived in a dysfunctional environment - it was wrong for your parents to have sex in front of their children. I think the way you feel towards men, is due to what you experienced as a child. Your problem with food also sounds related to your fear of men - subconsciously you want to make yourself unattractive.

I'm concerned that being internet educated, will isolate you further. I think you need a therapist to help you work through these problems. Can you go back to school? It's very important to finish getting your education, so you can eventually live on your own.



fastoldbiker
1566 days ago
Hi Junebug – I truly feel sorry for what you have had to endure. I can’t imagine how you have been able to cope having such parents – if you can call them that – I find them totally sickening.

I am not surprised you feel the way that you do. Sorry to be sympathising when you are seeking advice, but I can’t help but feel touched by your post.

To take the first part of your post, from a very young age children can stimulate themselves sexually, but without even knowing or realising what sex is, they just know some things can feel pleasant to them, for instance a rocking motion with pressure on the genital area while sitting, or rubbing things over the penis etc. This is certainly not the case with yourself; because of your sick parents you had lost your innocence. You saw and felt things sexually that you should never have been exposed to. Parents are meant to protect their children, not to make them suffer and abuse them. I’m not surprised you wet the bed feeling unloved and insecure.

It’s important not to become withdrawn socially because if you continue on that road you will find it difficult to get off it. It’s important to have friends around you that you can trust and talk to. I can totally understand your fear and dislike of men, and a dislike of being around people. However you do need to have friends. You need to gain some trust in some people. Although you may not like large crowds or large social events, you need to have some social interaction even if just on a small scale.

I don’t mean to nag, but education is important. Getting the best qualifications when you can gives you the best chances of gaining employment so you can support yourself and get some independence. You deserve a life, a happy life, you can help yourself achieve that by continuing your education, to work for something better than you have. I’ll tell you something else too, when you can say that what you achieve is because of your own efforts, you should be really proud of yourself.

Although I can understand that you feel dirty and shameful, you should not. Easy for me to say I know, but honestly you should feel very proud that you have been able to get through what you have. To have your strength of character is commendable.

For what it’s worth, not all men are shit. When you are older, you will find that there are men out there, who will treat you well, look after you and be kind to you. There are certainly men out there who would understand what you have had to go through and be proud of you for being able to cope with it. Any decent man (or woman) would certainly NOT regard you as ‘dirty’ or think you should carry any shame for your parents abuse.

Hold your head up high, be proud of who you are. You deserve happiness, warmth and love, be kind to yourself.

There will be someone out there for you, who you will love and will love you in return the way you should be, give it time.



Chemar
1566 days ago
hi Junebug

I am so sorry to hear of what you were exposed to all those years. Please please know that there is nothing "dirty" or shameful about *you*. You were a victim. You are precious and beautiful and clean, so try to hold on to that truth to keep you going.

it is good that you are opening up to release what you have held inside.

you really do need a qualified therapist to help you to heal from all this, but I realize it is hard when you are still living with your mother, and doing internet school likely means you dont have a school counselor you can talk with. Are there any trusted and responsible adults in your life that you feel you could talk to?

if it doesnt seem possible to get immediate help, please know you can always come here to talk to us. We cant diagnose or attempt to analyze what you have told us, but we can listen and be a safe place for you to release the burdens. I would also like to tell you about the forums here, where you can join and meet others who will understand as they have been thru these things too and are in various stages of healing and recovery themselves.

Sometimes just being able to talk with others is a therapy in itself. If you click the COMMUNITY button at the top of this page it will take you to the forum section where you can join anonymously and begin to share, or just read what others are doing to cope.

Remember too that there are good people in the world and you can find someone who will love you and appreciate you and treat you as a special treasure. Dont let the bad example that your parents set rob you of the discovery of someone special. And keep studying so that when you are old enough you can become independent and leave that toxic environment and discover the good things that are possible.

May God keep you safe and help you find a way to a better life.