Avatar Posted by palamay 114 days ago (Question)
Iv been happily married for 10years with all odds against us. I was 17 when married to a man 7years older he had a bad history, drugs/alcohol and child abuse. with all that we manage to be a happy marriage he treated me like a princess and is a great father to our kids. we have over come the issues specially him stop doing drugs/alcohol,he went to school and has a degree an successful job. i lived the fairytale life. this month we got to move in to our dream home that we had been building our selves for the past year that same week we got to go on a vacation of our dreams w/our kids. when we got back two days later my 17year old sister confess that 7 years ago my husband kiss her,spanked her, and kiss her in her intimated part several times. i confronted him and said it was true, that she was the one that started kissing him , and would look for him, that she would call it playing the (novelas) soap operas in Mexican culture. i ask her if it was true she said she dos not remember. I was devastated let him know wanted a divorce he ask me to forgive him that then he was another man and did not know why he did not stop her and himself. i went to my priest and told him what had happen he gave me some advice i did forgive him but i still feel sooo sad, lonely and so many other feelings but mainly confused i need some guidance.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 114 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Palamay,

I'm very sorry this happened to you amd I understand how this must be very shocking and confusing to you. It's very upsetting firstly because this is your sister but what is more worrysome is the fact that this happened when your sister was 10 - by definition this would classify him as a pedophile. If he had an affair with an average woman this could be forigiven, keeping in mind that he was troubled by drugs and alcohol. Even the worst alcoholic or drug users would draw the line at molesting a child. I don't mean to insult you, but I would be cautious with him around the children. I also don't like the way he tried to blame your sister - even if she is the one who kissed him(I don't believe that), he's the adult and should have backed away.

When I was 13, my sisters husband tried to kiss me and grope me - I immediately pushed him and ran away. I never told anyone until I was 25. I was so insulted because I knew him since I was 5 and thought of him as a brother and to me it was like incest. I was also appauled that he would do that to my sister. I was afraid to tell anyone because I was worried about her marriage. I only confided in my brother and my sister still doesn't know. I wish I would have told on him right away because now I think and wonder how many times he's cheated and perhaps molested some other girl. Even though I escaped from my brother in law, it still bugs me till now and I wish I could say something to him now.

Given your husband's issues with drugs and alcohol and if she was, let's say 20 yrs. old - yes it would be devastating, but you could then forgive him. But the fact that she was 10 makes it very hard to over look. I know you must feel torn about this especially since you have children and a new house. What kind of child abuse did he go through - was it sexual, emotional or physical abuse?

I can't tell you want to do here, so you are the one who has to decide. The only thing I can suggest is to seek therapy. I hope that you feel better and find peace. Hugs, Bella

Written by Clyde 114 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I am sorry to hear this happened too. It wouldnt be much easier if it was someone else, but it has to be doubly bad that it is your sister and your husband.

Did this actually happen when she was a child? If so, this is very dangerous stuff.

Couples counselling as mentioned, would be a good thing. I really hope you can find some peace with this, but I am sure it will probably take a while.

Best,

Clyde

Written by Fpsy 113 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

In the eyes of the law your husband has committed a sexual offence. Sexual interaction of any kind, of a child under the age of 16 is against the law. Your sister has a right to report him to police and your husband may well have a case to answer for.

A child does not go seeking sexual intimacy with an adult. A child looks for love and attention. Your husband has sexualised this behavior.

I am sorry but you local priest is not trained to deal with child molestation cases.

You need to support your sister all you can, she needs to know that this was not her fault and she did not invite what happened to her. She may way have more details about what happened and your husband is making excuses about what he did because he knows it's wrong.

I don't think couples counseling is appropriate for this. I recommend you see a therapist in dealing with your feelings around this. I think it would help if you recommend your sister see a therapist as well.

I hope this helps.

Written by bellacutie 113 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I completely agree with you Fpsy and changed my post from recommending couples counselling to individual therapy. I also think the sister definately needs support in this, so she won't end up burning about this for the rest of her life.


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