Avatar Posted by changes72 138 days ago (Question)
My girlfriend left the country a month ago on a walk about. She was supposed to be gone only two months and I was happy for her. She called me yesterday and wants to stay longer, an indefinite amount of time now. She wants to work there and travel more and meet new people.

I love her very much and I want to continue the relationship. It's long distance but I want to be faithful and so does she. We want this to work. I just feel like it's too much too soon to deal with.

my life hasn't been going super well lately and I've been holding on to her for support through everything. She's been great and I'm happy she's been there for me. we've grown very close and I don't want this to end.

I want her to come back and I don't want to run the risk of her meeting someone else. I'm trying to be mature and just let things go, let her do what she needs to do. I just feel overwhelmed by her decision.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? Any tips on how I might make myself feel better through all of this?


Answers

Written by Edahn 138 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Long distance relationships, especially new relationships, are almost impossible to maintain in my experience. People need to relate to each other in person and do NOTHING together to bond, and when you're long distance, you can't, so you end up trying to build superficial connection and end up exhausting yourselves.

The exception to that rule is if you both really know each other and feel immediately close. To be blunt, based on the fact that you said you've divulged all this stuff to her and that she's comforted you, I am going to assume that you're NOT that close. It sounds counter-intuitive, but as I see it, when people don't know how to connect as Adults, they shift into personalities (or "ego states") that resemble injured, helpless Children. That induces their partners to respond with caretaking, Parent ego states (like your girlfriend has done) and the couple feels superficially close. Deeper closeness comes from trust, honesty, and time, not neediness. The vocabulary I'm using isn't meant to be condescending; it comes out Transactional Analysis which is personality theory. You can read about that here: http://www.businessballs.com/transact.htm.

I know there are probably lots of reasons you like this girl, but the only reason you cite in your post is that she has been good support. As I see it, there is a good chance you are seeing her in terms of your needs, rather than relating to her as a separate, autonomous person.

If your relationship is indeed still that new where you haven't developed a lot of trust and intimacy, then I would let it go, especially seeing as how she has not even given you a return date. That indicates to me that she is not really concerned about the outcome of this relationship.

I know your first reaction to this is probably to say that I've misunderstood your relationship and am reading into things, and that you were just looking for some ways to feel better. I think you will feel better by seeing exactly what's going on. If I'm wrong, that's okay. It's just a post and you are free to disagree. If I'm right, then do what you think is in your best, long-term interests.

Good luck bro.

Written by Clyde 137 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Good post Edahn!

I really agree with it. I am always a romantic at heart, and do wish that it would work for you; however, her being away for you for that quite long amount of time may also be sending a signal she doesnt want to tell you face to face.

I hope the best for you too.

Best,

Clyde

Written by bellacutie 137 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Great post Edahn.

I agree that she isn't overly concerned about your relationship and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I don't believe in long distance relationships.


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