Avatar Posted by 8Akihiko 35 days ago (Question)
I don't know what's wrong with me. I was 6, when I felt strong desire for another person of the same sex. I can't say that I don't like boys, but I've feelings for girls too. I'm kinda afread of men, thinking they'll dominate and supress me. On the other hand, women don't like me, because I'm not friend material for them.
For now, I'm so confused that can't even have friends. I'm afraid of getting to close to him or her and falling in love. I have problems with keeping my feelings inside. So I'm very official, polite, kind, sometimes I'm even an open book, but I never built a close relationship, fearing of my own feelings. Sometimes I think it would be better to be alone, not bothering another person with my problems, but I'm very lonely and it's killing me.


Answers

Written by Chemar 35 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

it may be wise to consult with a therapist to determine whether there are underlying issues that are causing you to experience this uncertainty regarding your sexual orientation

did anything happen during you childhood that could make you feel this fear of men, or trepidation of commitment/closeness?

being able to talk through these things with a counselor may well help you come to terms with things and so free you to be yourself and develop relationships.

Written by 8Akihiko 34 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks, may be you're right, it has something to do with my past, it's just, I can't figure it out. I'm going to therapist almost 1 year, but...

Written by bellacutie 35 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree it might be a good idea to talk with a counsellor. I'm also going to be honest with you. My brother was gay and I don't have a problem accepting homosexuality in people. I believe most gay people know from early on which sex they prefer. I clearly remember at 6yrs knowing I prefer men.

Unfortunately some gay people have difficulty accepting these feelings because of pressures from their culture or society. Since you've had these feelings since you were 6, I think you should trust they're right. There's no reason for you to repress your feelings.I think becasue you're doubting where your romantic loyaties are - you're apprehensive to get involved with either sex. Just be yourself and concentrate on forming friendships with men and women.

Do you live in a country/society where homosexuality is frowned upon? Please don't be afraid of your true feelings. Best of luck, Bella :)

Written by 8Akihiko 34 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

thanks, I like your last words "Please don't be afraid of your true feelings". I think I'm afread of my true self.

Written by dusky1 34 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I understand where ur coming from, I have the same problem sexualiyty wise, but as was mentioned by Chemar, I also think that my 'desire' for the same sex is more psychological, having something to do with my past, I am going to see a therapist about it, I think you should too.

Also, the thing about having a relationship with people, is like with anything....you have to do it. No way around it, maybe if you talk to a counselor you will get some good advice on 'effective behaviour' for for starting friendships etc.

Experience is definitel needed and the longer you take to make friends easily, the harder it will be.

Because you'll begin to feel as though it's impossible....don't think like that, you just eed to find a effective way to go about it.

Best of luck.

Written by 8Akihiko 34 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You are right, as time pass it becomes harder and harder. For me the first step is not a problem, it's what comes next is. I have some friends, or more corectly they are thinking that way. They want to be freands with me, but I can't make real bonds, because thay don't know the part I'm hiding. I can't open to them.

Written by dusky1 34 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

hmmmm....i think you're thinking into this too much, being friends with someone doesn't mean that you're going to be asked to open up about anything....that's what your therapist is for. Take your relationships easy, otherwise you will find that you have aniother problem, and that's whether ur'friend' what's to hear what you want to tell them. I have really close friends and none of them really know what's going on inside my head.

However, we get a long just fine and have great relationships.

So when you make that first step, just take it easy, don't worry about things, it will happen.

I am interested in finding exactly what you mean by "I can't make real bonds" though!.

Keep at it, all the best!

Written by 8Akihiko 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

dusky1, thank you for your reply. Your words were real help. I have to change the way I'm thinking and acting with poeple. It will take time, but I'll try. What I mean by "real bond" is that I'm not amotionally bond to someone, I mean, when I'm happy or sad I can't think of anyone to share those feelings with. It's like I'm alone in this universe. I want to fix it, don't know how, but I'll try my best. My thoughts are really mixed now. I know what I must to do, only, my feelings are no help here. So I'm tring meditation now. At some point it's helping, time will show.

Written by dusky1 33 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

oh, ok, i know that feeling too....but like i said...take it easy. forming friendships is just like finding a g/f or b/f....where it always starts with the physical and then you eventually get the the person's personality.

That said, you need to take your relationships slow, someone who doesn't know you, isn't going to want to sit and listen to all of your problems or joys.

So you need to create a 'surface' relationship, where you can get comfortable with the person first.

Then, as the relationship grows in trust, you'll be able to get emotional.

Further more, you have to remember that it's not just you in the relationship, there's someone else...so what about their feelings?. You also have to take time to evaluate whether or not that person is someone that you would want to open up to. You don't want to be sharing your feelings with an idiot, because then you would have given of yourself to someone who doesn't care and will most likely not stick around.

So keep at it...oh, join some kind of activity, it's much easier to make friends in a group where ppl share common interests.

All the best.

Written by Clyde 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Have you discussed this with your therapist? I dont see it anywhere...I read that you have been in therapy for over 1 year, but I havent read that you discussed it with them.

Best,

Clyde

Written by 8Akihiko 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I wanted but she didn't want to listen, like it wasn't a real problem and that I was imaginig things. Afther one month I went to another one. He was more patient with me, but same was here. He was more focused on my work and career (two years ago I was so depressed that I couldn't even go to wark or do anything, I had no goles, no dreams, no reason to live. I think it was because of relationship problems). I'm not workaholic, don't wanna live only to make career. It seems like talking about feeling is waste of time. So I want to understand am I really feeling something or it’s justs my imagination. Whenever I’m with a woman, if I like her and she feels the same, it kinda switches my personality. with her I’m more confident, I reveal my best habits. I want to give her everything she wants and I’m satisfied with it as well. It’s like giving and getting. On the other heand, I’m totally different person when I’m with a man. I can compare myself to a spoiled child, who is emotionally unstable, complaining, demanding every time. I hate when I’m like this. It’s not about him, I don’t like my part in this. Am I making any sence?

Written by dusky1 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

if you're paying a therapist then you need to make it understood that you are going to talk about what you want to talk about...it's your money being spent!

Written by 8Akihiko 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree, but it's just...

In my country, homosexuality is something abnormal. He thinks I’m imagining things, and every time I begin this conversation he stops me, saying I’m wrong and it’s not right. It hurts, so I can't go on and talk about it.

Written by bellacutie 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I can understand why you can't talk with your therapist since you live in a country where it's considered abnormal. Is there any online support group in your country. I know even in Pakistan there is one - I was surprised to know that. If you believe you're gay then that's the way you are -you don't need to change that through therapy. In the forum section of psychcentral.com you'll find alot of support there and you can talk about it openly and find acceptance. Do you see this therapist for other things? I'm sorry you're struggling with self acceptance like this because of old fashioned beliefs in your country - being gay isn't abnormal. Join the forum section - many people will accept you there. Best of luck.

Written by 8Akihiko 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks, you are so understanding, it means a lot.

I woun't see this or any other therapist anymore, I'm full of them. I had doubts about my feelings, personality, and it had afected my relationship and my work.


Log in to answer or register here.