Avatar Posted by koum9870 46 days ago (Question)
I wrote a blog about my first issue intitled "how do I beat this"

So now this guy- after breaking up with me- that night texted me and said "I know you don't want to hear this, but I really do feel aweful for what I've done to you. I just want to let you know that we WILL be together again. I know because I've seen it."

My ex has a certain ability to be able to see visions of the future. Not all the time. So when discussing this "knowing" that he has that we'll be together again, it made me mad and hopeful. I've been with him almost 2 years- so i know how accurate his thoughts can be. He said that he wanted me to go and live my life and he will "come back for me" within a year. When I asked him how he knew it was going to take that long he said it might not- it might only be a few months, but that he's saying a year at the latest. We continued the conversation- and I asked him if in this time he wanted to see other people. He said yes that way we can forget about the pain we caused each other. He said he needed time to "grow up" and learn to trust me again. I told him that he's never going to learn to trust me in someone elses arms, or forget the pain he's caused me by being with someone else. He said I was absolutley right and that I really opened his eyes. He promised he wouldn't date anyone else.

So I was semi-content with that. I have started to plan my trip to move back up there within the month. I've been good about giving him his space and not talking to him. But then yesterday he texted me in the morning and asked how I've been. And the past 2 days he's been texted just seeing what i'm up to and what's on my mind. I'm trying to be strong because it seems like he doesn't feel as hurt as I do about all of this...but yet he says he knows we're going to get back together...ugh. I believe him because I trust him and I know him better than anyone else.

Should I continue to give him this space? Should I set a date to really think about my feelings and then bring them up to him? I want to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but I don't want him to think I'm beating him over the head with my emotions....I just feel so lost and scared. I truly think he's the one. There was a time he felt the same way. Now he just seems so distant and odd. Any advice?


Answers

Written by koum9870 46 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Also- when he broke up with me he said he didn't love me anymore. But the next day when we talked he said he meant he wasnt madly in love with me anymore. That he wouldn't agree to not date other people is he wasn't still in love with me. I also feel like the big problem is that I'm an actor- and he feels that if I move back and we get back together- I would blame him for ruining my life career wise since I'm not moving to LA or NY. But what I've tried to tell him is that I'd never do that- that he IS a big part of my life. I would rather be working in a theatre where he lives and being with him than being alone and trying to "make it."

Written by series0 46 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Koum, this whole scenario is giving me red flags. I mean from a purely selfish guy's point of view your ex-boyfriend sounds amazingly typical. What young man who finds a steady lover he may even actually love wouldnt enjoy the opportunity to say, OK, put this on hold, let me mess around and have some fun, and, when I'm tired of the effort required to get laid, let me easily buzz you back up as my default relationship. That way you're perfect for me, my fallback girl ...

Does that sound cool to you? Doesn't it just thrill you how romantic it is? I mean all your risking each time he does this, and, let's face it, if he can get away with it with you once, why the heck wouldn't he just do it again later in life, so all your risking is that he might find someone that owns him the way he is owning you. Or someone he really cares about hard enough to actually TRY.

Mature relationships aren't about owning a person or being owned (although it can be fun to roleplay that). Your ideal partner should turn you on and be turned on by you. They should not ever want to sever your ongoing relationship. Good relationships are fun and they are work, both. I say they are work because the amount of effort each party is willing to put in at a minimum is actually the value of the realtionship, if you follow me. So, if your willing to give it your all and he is willing to only give less, then the strength of the relationship is his weaker committment to you.

I recommend that even though you are infatuated with this man, you stay away from him and limit his access to you, probably completely. The reason is you are "stuck" on him but he isn't stuck on you. Your rational mind needs to find someone who is stuck on you. Then if you are stuck on them also, go for it!

I find this to be good general advice: If you're a person of emotion and optimism, then, in realtionships, your wisest course is to be skeptical and logical FIRST. If you're a person of reason and doubt, then, with relationships it might be best to let your softer side guiide you FIRST.

Just my two cents!

Written by bellacutie 46 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Series0 that he doesn't sound like he's ready to commit. If you really love someone, there's no need to take a break. It sounds like he has all the control in the relationship and you're waiting for cues from him. I don't suggest pursueing this relationship. Best of luck,

Bella.

Written by Clyde 44 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I third this recommendation. It doesnt seem like he cares about you too much, and is just hanging you off the end of the line until he needs you for whatever reason.

Best,

Clyde


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