I don't understand the feelings I am having. My children have given me an ultimatum to leave the man I am seeing since he has assaulted me at leave 6 times and is very controlling and emotionally abusive. I dread when he comes home at night. But the idea of really cutting it off for good makes me cry. I don't know why I would want to continue this madness. He does know how to suck me back in, I just wish I was stronger in standing against it. I have been told I am attractive, get many looks by men even in my 40's but I have this fear I will be alone. But I don't want this pain anymore. The abuse was so bad he needs to register as a predator for 10 years for what he did to me. Now you're thinking I am really crazy, right. Why do I love him? Why do I worry about him, when he doesnt' seem to care much about my well being. HELP!!!!


Answers


Artemyst
2193 days ago
As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I can understand this for sure. It is SO HARD to leave an abusive relationship, because we often feel that is all we deserve or fear that that is all we will ever get. But the thing is, you DO deserve better and you are NOT crazy for feeling this way.

I am going to say some things that I hope will not offend. They may sound blunt, but they are said with the utmost care.

First, you need to consider yourself as deserving more than this. You do deserve a healthy and thriving relationship where love is shared. No one deserves to be struck or assaulted and it is completely unnaceptable.

Secondly, I think that there may be some dependance going on here. You say that you fear leaving him in case you are alone forever. This makes me think that you are depending on him and the poor relationship so you do not have to face that fear. But the truth is you won't be alone forever! You can and will love again, once you spend some time healing from this relationship.

Also, I am very very worried. If what he did to you is of the caliber you speak of, he could very well escalate, and end up killing you by accident, or on purpose. And you wouldn't want that to happen, as then you would truly be alone.

Please please, make a safety plan and get out as safely and as soon as you can! You need to do this for yourself and for your children who are so concered for you.

Again, i completely relate to the feelings you are having and I truly am rooting for you.



Clyde
2192 days ago
Hi there,

Lots of times it is hard to leave a relationship such as yours because we worry about the future. Do you worry about the possibility of him "coming to find you," or to hurt you?

You are much more deserving of this--you deserve to be happy and not afraid.

You depend on him for a life, yet he abuses your life. You dont deserve to be abused.

He could end up killing you, and then it would be too late to leave then...you need to get out as soon as possible.

Please be safe!

Best,

Clyde



MaryMoses
2191 days ago
Toxic relationships are addicting, like a drug. The roller-coaster ride is addicting. The fear of being all alone is haunting. When two become one, they truly are connected. And parting from that connection takes more than logic (or even emotion) in your case. So, if emotion (fear vs love) doesn't encourage you to just hop on a train to the nearest beach and logic cannot sway you, it will take a higher being to rescue you~pluck you from where you are and place you in a heavenly place. Where is that place? What would that place be like? Who would be there? Would it be full of birds and butterflies? Would the people there hug and kiss you without reservation? Yes, they would love you no matter your mistakes, no matter your crimes! They would place flowers in your hair and anoint you with your favorite fragrance. You would be free! Free to smile, free to love your inner child, free to have faith in yourself and to be at peace with your sweet heart.



ladycathy1
1791 days ago
Hello,

I hope this helps you to know that you are not alone. It is not your fault for being abused. You are not crazy.

I lived with an abusive boyfriend for three years. I learned they are great at being a manipulator of your thoughts, feelings and guilt. I was the one always saying I am Sorry even after he threw things at me. I was afraid- he would tell me that no one will ever love me the way he loves me. HE WAS RIGHT-NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME THE WAY HE DID-EVER AGAIN. I don't need his type of love. I was pushed, verbally abused, mentally abused, screamed at in public and overall felt guilty for everything that was wrong in 'HIS LIFE!" I was told that if I did not do (BLANK)(Just fill it in-everything I did made him mad) I was the cause of his anger. If I did not answer him fast enough or so many other things. I was afraid to even talk. He was hooked on porn-I won't say what names he would call me but I hated the names he used.

He threatened to kill my pets. I had a parrot die-one of the days he allowed me to go with his sister. I was not allowed to contact my family.

You are not crazy-the abusers know how to get in your mind. You can be loved.

I got away with the help of family. You just have to reach out and tell someone you need help or it will be too late.

Here is something that happened to my step-daughter-in-law she was murdered. Her boyfriend was an abuser-he was also her murderer. He stabbed her 13 times. It began with verbal assaults and then he started hitting her. She had three children. My stepson(her husband) had died two years earlier from an accident. I was close to her and even offered my help. The day I offered to help was the night he killed her. I feel guilty for not doing more but I realized it was up to her to get out.

People will help if you ask. People will help-if you are willing to get out. There are shelters that you can call who will take you and the children in. You can call the police to get out. They can help you find the shelter. The faster you get out-the better you will be. Your life and your children's can never be replaced. What you leave behind can be replaced. Get out-ASAP. I did not say it will be easy because he will be in your mind awhile after you leave-after all that was one of the ways he controlled you. You are not alone-there are many woman who got out and they are making it. The ones I know even have new loving relationships now. It is possible for someone to love you.

Love yourself first. Love your children too. Get out of the toxic relationship.

I went to a therapist thinking the problem was me-I kept a journal-the day he threatened to kill my dog-was the day the light went on in my head. I did not have any children. I did not even think about me getting hurt. I thought I was crazy because he told me I was. I got to the point I wanted to die because I did not think anyone cared. I learned I do have people that cared. I just had to ask for their help. Yes-he can have his nice days-a present for being sorry he hit you(he will say that you deserved it though) (But you did not deserve being hit you deserve to be loved) He will promise never to do it again-It's a lie too. A month or more will go by and the abuse will began again. I had a loving relationship with my husband of 16 years before he passed away. I never dreamed I would end up in an abusive relationship-especially after my step-daughter-in-law's murder. My abuse did not began right away. I thought he loved me but he began saying things-little things such as no one really loved me in my hometown. Then it kept getting worse until he pushed me. I still stayed. He would tell me if I ever left-he will cut his throat-in front of me. He took out a knife and held it to his throat. I stayed the third year because I thought I would be responsible for his death if I left him. He never did cut his throat after I left. Just his way of manipulation.

I know you have your own stories but no one deserves to be abused. Don't let it be too late for you and your children!

Write me if you need me. I can only offer my advice but I am here for you. I care!

Take care, Cathy



alicia
1711 days ago
I stayed for 36 years and then got out. I was terrified at the thought of being alone....that is what held me back. I was almost 60, but because I educated myself and read the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relatinship by Patricia Evans.....I think it should be read by everyone on the planet. I am also the moderator of an abused survivors' group. Feel free to e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com

1 in 3 women are abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted. PLEASE DON'T become another statistic.....get some therapy; call a shelter, domestic violence hotline; read everything you can. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and jealous and will do anything to keep you. It isn't love. Love isn't supposed to hurt.



rebelwoman87
1662 days ago
I been in an abusive relationship... It's hard to get out of... I had fears of him coming after me (He threatend to snipe me) I had big worries he'd steal my horses, and kill them. For a long time I feared everything! But I did it... I got out of it.

I say do what you want but don't worry about the others, do it for you!



KIMSCRAZEE
1584 days ago
there is no excuse for putting your children in harm's way. you have already changed them by staying too long and could really be harming them emotionally.

at this point there is no excuse. you need to just leave.



Kimberley47
1389 days ago
As a Woman that grew up with a abusive father and mother (screamer- bad temper)And later I married the same! When I rrealized I married the same abusive Man,my father was! I made a plan,I had a two yr old and a six yr old then.And all I could think of was how I grew up,and that I didn't want that kind of lifestyle for them! Insecurity,Fear went out the door! I realized this was a matter of survival! Happiness to Me is more important then material things or money.So I had no problem doing without.But I made sure My Girls Never did! It comes down to a choice,You can stay and eventually depression,feeling dead inside,fearful when your not sure you said the right thing to him,or you can't go anywhere or see Family friends because he says No! Or destroys any kind of happiness or joy you feel.This is NOT LOVE!!! As I said get money together, $1000 or more,find a place,set up your moving day,and do this asap! First oppurtunity You can! I did this while He was at work.He called that day!from work I pretended everything was fine.He knew nothing! I Never EVer looked back! From there I joined a Woman's Abusive Support Group where We let out all our fears,anger anxities.I healed overtime.The Lonely nights I played video games.Chose not to date for 2 yrs,why? didn't trust Myself enough to date yet.Was very cautious and never brought strange Men around my Girls unless I knew 100% the rel was healthy.Today I am Much Stronger Emo and Will Never Accept Another Abusive Man in my life..There are Red Flags to look for Be Aware! Hope this helped!



Kimberley47
1389 days ago
ok plain and simple! my mother is 64 yrs. old and is still!!! With my Abusive Father!!!! She has 3 Chronic Illnesses! Emo Eater!!!!OVerweight! BAD DEPRESSION!!! SUICIDIAL!!! Possible Cancer!!!! Works Full Time Social Wrker!!!BURNED OUT!!! Abused Still Badly EMO by HIm!!!!They ENDLESSLY ARGUE OVER NOTHING!!! Kind,Hateful,Kind Hateful!!! It goes on and on!!!!He tried to KILL Her Twice!!! Once standing over Her with a cast iron frying pan,and tried to Strangle Her when I was 17! My bro had to pull him off of her!!! She told Us to go back to bed,He came after Her again,and She spent the night in the bathroom,with the door locked. DO YOU WANT HER FUTURE?????!!!!!!!!! That is if You even make it to her age....I think the Worst is the fact,that my bros. and one sis won't even talk to her anymore!!! While Him??? Alcholic!!! Health Probs Serious?? NO sore back arithitis!!!that's it!!!!!!AND NO!!!! POLICE WERE NEVER EVER CALLED from 60's to present!!! YES I AM STILL VERY BITTER ANGRY RAGING DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO FEEL THIS WAY TOOO!!!??? OR TREAT YOU BADLY???!!!THINK ABOUT IT!!!!