I feel like a freak. I seem to enjoy reading about violent sex, usually rape. I have fantasised about it, I even "acted" it out with an ex partner.

I am aroused by the strangest things, the more violent, painful, degrading the better.

I have no idea if this is related, but I remember my male baby sitter talking me into sex when I was perhaps 5 or 6 years old. I wanted to watch a film, he told me to lie down on my front so I could still watch it while we had sex.

I feel like a monster, clearly something is badly wrong inside my head & I have no idea what to do about it.


Answers


bella
1977 days ago
Hi Bunny-22,

just so you know - we're not doctors or therapists - we just like to help others/listen and guide them in the right direction. You should know that you're not alone - there are others who have the same problem. I'm also sorry that you were sexually abused when you were a child. I think that you should talk to a therapist and perhaps he/she could find out why you tend to go the violent route.

On a postive note, its great that you realize it's not healthy to pursue sex that is violent. I don't think you're a monster. It would only be pathological if you had no remorse and you also caused your partner pain. Please don't feel shame about this and find some help for yourself. There are people who like to engage in Sado-masochistic sex, but they are comfortable and like it. But you're not happy and that's why you should get some help. Everything will be okay. Hugs :) Bella.



Edahn
1977 days ago
First off, I don't think it's that uncommon to combine violence and sex. They both, to me, can involve very similar feelings. You can understand this from a biological perspective if you want: two key human motivations that perpetuate our individual survival are aggression and procreation. Evolution has, over time, given us certain pleasurable feelings as a way to coax us into pursuing these activities, i.e., IT FEELS GOOD. Not only do they feel good, but they feel similar. A few times during sex I've personally felt the same thing I feel when I want to go out and conquer, dominate, and win. My point is, it's not crazy that these would feel the same and be linked in such a way that the things that violence and sex arouse similar feelings. There is even a market for fetishes that combine sex and violence like snuff films and films where guys are degrading women (not that I'm advocating them).

The thing to realize, in my opinion, is first, that you're not defective or alone. Second, that there is a much different experience that sex can be when people are vulnerable and respectful. It doesn't arouse the same violence/domination/lust circuits in your brain (so you have to be patient and open) but you do end up feeling connected both to yourself and to others. It's a very beautiful experience and I think trying to be open to that, as well as open with your partner and your own feelings, would be worth trying.

I too think it would be wise to see a therapist. You didn't really discuss the incident when you were ~5 here. Maybe you saw it as a fluke and didn't make much of it. On the other hand, maybe you "took home" certain beliefs about yourself, about others, or about sex WITH others that are worth examining and, if they prove to be wrong, challenging and correcting. That may very well have something to do with your interest in violent sex. A few questions you might ask is how does watching violent sex make you feel? How does it feel to engage in violent sex? How do you feel afterwards? Have you had sex where you feel vulnerable and close? Are you open to trying that?

Good luck,

Edahn



bella
1976 days ago
**** Great answer Edahn****



zanzivar
1977 days ago
Edhan, that was some piece of writing you did! I would just like to say to bunny-22 that rape is an entirely different experience than it out. I too was raped 5 times imagine when I was 15 years of age. It was the most terrifying time of my life and I still have problems with it. All you can think about is your thumping heart and wondering if you are going to be killed! It comes nowhere near having sex with a loving partner. They are just poles apart.

I too though have fantasies about rape but they are fantasies that long to put the past right if you know what I mean. It seems weird but I long to be in a situation sometimes where I am being raped by men who won't hurt me. Other times I wake in the night thinking that people have just had sex with me. So I am still troubled by what happened. However I am in councelling at the moment and I think you should go there too but I am finding it hard to explain it. It is a very very deep issue.

Zanzivar.



bunny-22
1976 days ago
I should have perhaps mentioned I am female, I would never hurt my male partner. I love him very much.



bella
1976 days ago
Yes I knew you were female and I understand that you don't think of violence towards your partner. Usually people who engage in sado-masochistic sex can go either way - meaning some like to dominate(which might involve some acts such as spanking/whips/scolding and results in no one getting hurt - both partners agree. The other side is the passive person who agrees to the domination and is turned on by the aggression. You might not even fall into the above mentioned category anyway. I can tell by your post that you don't want to hurt anyone. I'm glad that you have a loving relationship. You're not bad for feeling this way sometimes. Best of luck to both of you.:)



zanzivar
1976 days ago
I always want to be the passive partner during sex with a person. I wonder is that because of the raping that I experienced? Could this also be why it is in your case bunny-22? Maybe early abuse has this affect on individuals? Or maybe it is just the case for most females?

Zanzivar.



Clyde
1971 days ago
Very good writing, Edahn. I do think that sometimes the women do want to be passive partners, yes, but I also really feel that the abuse at the hands of the babysitter is a huge reason why you are the way you are now.

Best,

Clyde