My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We met a month after I had got out of an 8 month relationship and engagement to another guy. We got along great and were more like best friends that also had a physical connection. He ended up emotionally cheating on me with another girl, which nearly caused us the whole relationship. Our whole relationship has been about us battling to keep our exs out of the picture. His was seriously a stalker and he asked her many times to leave him alone and she would talk to his mom and sister just to get on my nerves. With my ex I will admit I was still talking to him ,probably in ways i shouldnt. One time I almost dumped my current boyfriend for my ex which is in the army and lives on the other side of the country. He always made me feel special when my current boyfriend made me feel unwanted.I ended up stopping our converstaions so i wouldnt lose my current relationship.

The first year was horrible, we were living with his mom and sister. I cleaned the house everyday and had no help from anyone Which caused me to be angry all the time.We ended up breaking up because his parents persuaded him to think i was the wrong girl for him.I was head over heels for him, i put him before everything. I completely dropped my ex and never thought about him. A couple months went by and he was acting so different.He used to tellme how much he wanted to marry me and be with me and now it was like i didnt mean anything to him. He broke up with me and it killed me he said he had been lying about marrying me and being with me. I begged for him to take me back and i was depressed for a month straight and then one day i had a wake up call. I'm better than this , i shouldnt let him control my life like this. I started living my life again and as soon as i did that he wanted me back. He promised that he was going to change this time and it took me three months later to take him back.

We have been back together for about two months and i have completely changed.. im not as loving, caring and our physical relationship has suffered a lot.I feel like he's doing better but isnt completely how i need him to be but ive completely become a evil bitch. I'm horrible to him, i yell and scream and tell him how he annoys me. After i do it i feel horrible but i never say sorry and its like i cant stop it from happening. I need to know whats causing all the yelling and the meaness. I lay awake at night and trully miss the old me. Did him telling me he didnt want me break my heart to the point we'll never be the same again? whats holding me back from becoming loving with him again?


Answers


Edahn
1463 days ago
Okay. This is the truth. Are you ready?

You're mean to him because it gives you power. You prefer it to being vulnerable. When you're mean, you're in control, and you don't feel afraid because he falls into place.

Now truthfully, it's okay to feel vulnerable, but you have to know how to work with it so it doesn't turn into neediness and desperation and hijack your peace of mind. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you really know how to do that, and it sounds like your relationship is unhealthy, not just now, but even before.

My opinion? You need to do a lot of reflecting on relationships, authenticity, healthy vs. non-healthy relationships, and get some really good role models that have STABLE relationships. Stable is the key. Find out what makes them stable and you're golden. But it's gonna take time, and I'm not sure you'll be able to do it with this guy.

It all starts with a desire to really understand and a willingness to consider that you've been doing it all wrong. Start there and start watching and learning.

ES



bella
1463 days ago
I agree with Edahns advice but I'll give my take on this as well. I think you both jumped into this relationship too fast because you both weren't healed from your other relationships. You both started on a shaky foundation and then there were threats coming from all directions - your ex, his ex and problems with his mother/sister - this created a lot of doubt/mistrust.

When you both broke up, naturally you were hurt. You got back together but the hurt you felt, caused you to put up a wall of protection. The best way to fix this, is to make a clean slate and start fresh. If you can't surrender and forgive all the hurt, there won't be a good future for both of you.



dhorani
1462 days ago
Hi, I have a different opinion but it is in conjunction with the other views listed here. I think the real problem is that you never forgave him from the original problems that arose and therefore, you have unresolved tensions and anger that is leading you to be short fused or irritable. The reason I say this is because I am a student studying Psychology and I just read about relationships and those are the words of the author more or less. You need to start communicating with your boyfriend because the key to a successful relationship is communication. Try telling him what he did damaged your inner self and that you both would like to work on the relationship to better it. See how he feels about what you are telling him and then after a trial period, everything looks good, try to teach yourself to forgive him and start over. Believe me if you try this, you'll be more at peace and less angry. Good luck