Avatar Posted by CuriousMe 112 days ago (Question)
I find it hard to make bonds with people. I have a wife and two kids and life is pretty good, but an emotional dimension is missing. I'm pretty sure that I must love my kids because my heart aches when I think of them coming to any harm.

But my concern is with my relationship with my mother and wife - both love me and are very good to me but I just don't love them. I talk to my mom frequently but I do this out of duty and wouldn't really care if these chats ended. I am an only child and my mum loved/loves me hugely, but I'm just not bothered. My dad never really wanted children I think - I guess he loves me a bit but he has never paid me much attention. I quite like my wife but don't love her - I never have. I had a girlfriend before we were married, but I didn't love her either and I've never had a crush on anyone. I was 19 before I got a girlfriend, but I only did that because I felt I should, not particularly to satisfy an internal need.

As a kid and teenager I didn't really have any friends. I'm now in my 40s but it's only in the last few years that I've started to master my low self esteem. I don't really know why I don't like myself that much as objectively I think I'm an OK person: I hate hurting other people's feelings, I have friends now and I care about what goes on around me.

I had a bout of mild depression about four years ago, a period that I now view as very positive as it helped me put my life into perspective. So now I am the happiest and most balanced I have ever been.

One theory I have is that I have a low libido - I masturbate a lot ( 5/6 times a week) because I like it but I don't crave sex. I quite like sex but masturbation gets the job done without the fuss.

I feel a vague sense of missing out on love but I don't worry much about it and don't want to change necessarily as it would cause problems with my family. As I said, my main concern is to not hurt my kids. But I'm just curious why I should be like this.

I feel a bit bad airing this when there are so many people on here with real problems. But as I said, I wonder if anyone has any ideas why I'm built like this. Thanks for your time.


Answers

Written by Francesca 112 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Have you ever read up on Schizoid Tendencies?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

I am by no means a therapist, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I would say advice wise, you would need to want to experience closeness or love to be open to it. Perhaps you could start by defining what love means to you.

Written by CuriousMe 104 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank Francesca - bits of this do sound like they fit but other bits don't. It sounds like quite an imprecise disorder - on some criteria I seem to qualify, but by others not. But the interesting bit was that most people don't seek a "cure" as they don't perceive that they have a problem. Sounds about right. Interesting, though. I'll read up on it - thanks.

And what does love mean to me? I'll give that some thought too...

Written by zanzivar 112 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I guess all our definitions of love is different for each of us. In your case CuriousMe, it sounds as though apathy has set in. You probably did feel a passionate love at one stage and now you miss it an awful lot. I too feel that I only like my husband at the moment rather than love him. What you are probably secretly looking for is this mad passion that is supposed to exist between two people. You would have had that at the very beginning of your relationship with your wife otherwise you wouldn't have married her. However, it may have not lasted long for you. This is what happened in my case.

Still, something could happen to re-ignite it. Have you any ideas yourself? Sometimes it is only moments in life that we can capture and hold close to our hearts. Why not remember those really special times you had with your wife, your children and your mother and put energy into them. Try and re-create those times again and come up with some classic ideas of how to do them.

It sounds as though you are a bit laid back yourself at the moment and may not have put in much effort into your relationships. You have to go after love yourself too and not it expect it to come to you all the time. The people in your life seem to be crazy about you so you must be a very lovable person. Getting wrapped up in masturbation all the time could be a way of avoiding closeness with your wife. Isn't it much better to have two loving arms around you?

Zanzivar

Written by CuriousMe 104 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Zanzivar - no, I married my wife because I liked her, nothing more really. Anyway, thanks for the advice

Written by katrineme7 111 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

CuriousMe says: 'I had a bout of mild depression about four years ago, a period that I now view as very positive as it helped me put my life into perspective. So now I am the happiest and most balanced I have ever be

en.'

CuriousMe, I think what you are saying above are really, really important words, and that they are very meaningful.

Sometimes, you have to fall low to lift up in the opposite direction. Love and hate go together, so does ecstasy and agony, and pain/suffering and happiness. They just do.

Pain is not something we voluntarily chose to experience, but most of us do at some point, and many of us do on a regular basis. And this in turn then cause the really good and special feelings.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. (There is, of course, just by you being human) I see you as a really honest and authentic person, and I do think your concern is just as serious as someone else's who is going crazy. I mean your concerns are valid but that does not mean you are 'defective'.

Sometimes, not feeling can be just as bad and painful as feeling too much.

i think you also have good insight.

Don't worry so much. You have a right to be here just like anyone else.

Maybe you are just a late bloomer. Wait until you get closer to 50, and life may just begin for you.

All my best to you, sincerely, Katrin

Written by CuriousMe 104 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Kind words Katrin, thanks. I don't necessarily feel that life has not begun for me, but I suppose I'm sort of emotionally colorblind. And colorblind is not blind, so I'm grateful.

Written by Clyde 109 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

To me, a lot of it too is you do seem a lot like your Dad. Perhaps you just can't experience the emotions others have because some people are that way?

Best,

Clyde

Written by CuriousMe 104 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks Clyde - it does seem the most plausible explanation doesn't it. The world is made of all sorts of people...


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