Avatar Posted by eye86u 327 days ago (Question)
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months and our relationship is wonderful in just about every way. The only complaint that I have with our relationship is that he questions my sexual orientation very often. Out of nowhere, he will ask me if I'm bi or if I ever have been bi. Even though I've tried to assure him countless times that I am and have always been straight, he has continued to ask me this question for months. It's like he won't believe me and thinks I'm trying to hide something from him.

To make matters worse, a good friend of mine is a lesbian and he is absolutely convinced that we had "something" together in the past, which is entirely untrue. If he hears that I've been in touch with her, he freaks out. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm doing something wrong if my friend calls me. I don't know what he would do if I met up with her. She lives fairly far from me, so that doesn't come up very often.

I believe that the root of my boyfriend's behavior stems from his parents. His dad was secretly bisexual and cheated on his mother with men behind her back. My boyfriend clearly remembers the day that his mom found out about his dad's orientation and remembers her storming out and saying she was never coming back. He was just a boy and he remembers it all very vividly. His mom did come back, but his parents' relationship was broken and they were miserable together until they divorced almost a decade later.

I think that my boyfriend has an intense fear that this will happen in his own long-term committed relationship. He's also been cheated on by many past girlfriends, which doesn't help the situation.

I really love my boyfriend. Besides this fear, he is wonderful in every way and he is truly the best match I've ever had. I want our relationship to thrive, but I don't want to sacrifice old friendships in the process and I really don't think that our relationship will be able to grow if my boyfriend can't trust me. What can I do?


Answers

Written by Edahn 327 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Pick a good time when you both are open and relaxed and tell him exactly what you told us, including how you feel uncomfortable with his constant questioning because of how it's affecting your relationship with your friend. Ask him to tell you why HE thinks he's so suspicious and try and clarify what he thinks he's seeing. Then offer your understanding of his history with his dad as a possible explanation for what's going on. Don't force it on him, just put it out there for him to consider, so there's less resistance to the idea. If he's willing to consider it, let it sit for a few days and bring it up again then. If he's totally closed to it, then just tell him that you're not comfortable with his asking, and that he should find an alternative to constantly asking you, like being quiet or writing about it or seeking advice on the issue here at answers.psychcentral. You can also ask him what he would need to know in order to finally put this to rest. Maybe an assurance, or clarification, or something like that.

Written by Clyde 327 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It does sound a lot like what you are thinking. It could also be that he may want to have a relationship with you and another woman, or possibly, with him and another man. That is just an outside guess, of course, but the main thing is to talk to him about it, as peaceful and quietly and kindly about it.

Best,

Clyde


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