I've been married for 8 years and im at the brink of walking away, i put up with so much from my husband he is in the army and works away alot i feel like a single parent most of the time my children are 5 and 2 years old. The main problem at the minute is my in-laws my mother in-law has a small cancerious tumor in her lung, but has she stopped smoking? "it is my only pleasure", i dont have much sympathy for her, it is the rest of the family she is hurting, she is due to go into hospital soon to have it removed. My husband this year missed my oldests birthday because he was in Afghanistan for 4 months he got back in September, he was home for 6 weeks and he is on a course at the moment which he doesn't finish until 6th december, we are in the process of moving, because he wants a change. His mother wants him to go and visit her on the 15th December for a couple of days, but this is my oldest last week of school before they break up and he will miss her first nativity play if he goes plus that week i have the removals coming to check what furniture we have. My husband then goes on another course on the 5th January till the 11th February we then move from this house on 12th into the new house on the 13th he starts work on the 16th, he is at work for 2 weeks and he then has a month off. I have asked him to go and see his mother then, but all i get is she wants to see me sooner. She is not thinking what affect this has on the children only seeing their dad for 6 weeks at a time it is causing so much havoc. The hardest part is that my husband had cancer 4 years ago and they were no where to be seen they never phoned when they knew he was at the hospital, but they expect him to drop everything and run. When my husband had cancer they lived in the same country, they moved to Spain 3 years ago and have only visited us once i cant remember how many times we have been to Spain. I dont know what to do, my children always come first and i'm not sure what would be best for them.
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Answers
I don't know. Death is a complicated subject for people. It brings up a lot of feelings of duty, or hurt, and of conflict. I'm not really sure what he's going through right now, and by your description, it sounds like you're a little out of touch with him too. Hell, for all we know, HE might be out of touch with what he's going through, with all the feelings he's having. He might be very confused about how to balance his duty to his family and kids with his duty to his parents. He's even got duties from the military, and I'll bet that being in the military, moving all around, and so on, makes it even harder for him to get a grip on his feelings and priorities.
How do you think you would feel if one of your parents was imminently dying? If you think it's complicated for you to figure out how YOU would feel, imagine how complicated it is for YOU to figure out how SOMEONE ELSE would feel. Really tough stuff, right? The more you can empathize with the chaos that is probably going on in his body and mind, the better this dilemma will resolve itself. I promise you that.
I think what you could do is talk to him about the situation.
1. Have the right ATTITUDE. If you go into the conversation trying to blame him or "fix" him, you won't get anywhere. If you go in trying to understand him, trying to listen to what he's going through, and trying to come to an arrangement that BALANCES his duty to his wife, his kids, his parents AND himself, you'll have much better results. You're BOTH going through a hard time. Think about that for a bit.
2. You're going to want to lay into him, but if you want to really solve this, start by discussing HIM. You can tell him that you understand that he's probably going through a tough time trying to sort this whole thing out and still maintain contact with his immediate family (you and the kids). Focus on listening to him instead of blaming him. Try and give him a chance to talk about the situation with his mom and about all the expectations she's placing on him. You can even tell him that you admire his loyalty and compassion, if you really feel that way.
3. Then you should say how you're feeling. Try and focus on your needs rather than what he's done. Tell him that you and the kids miss him and need more interaction with him. Pay attention to the words you use. If he sounds like he's being attacked, he'll want to defend and his heart will close up. Try and let him know that you still believe in him, but that you miss him. Focus on your HURT rather than on your ANGER with the situation.
4. Work TOGETHER to come up with solutions. For starters, you can ask him how YOU can help him. Maybe there's something he needs to hear. Maybe he needs to talk more often. Maybe he needs more support for you. After that, try and come up with some ideas that let you see more of him, but that also let him take care of his dying mother.
I don't think your goal should be to completely take him away from his mom, even if she messed up in the past (and I'm not saying you want to do that). Remember, this is his unique process of dealing with the situation, and I think you should try and cut him as much slack as you can. The goal, instead, should be to come up with a better balance that works for everyone.
Good luck, I know you can do it. If you get lost, just remember to keep your heart open and remember that he's going through a rough time.
Edahn
Edahn has good ideas. You really should state how you are feeling, and realize that he too has "gotten used" to this and of course, no one wants to be told that someone is doing something wrong with themselves when it comes to their family.
Best,
Clyde