I have lived w my boyfriend of 2me years for 1the year now. We rarely have sex but he watches porn almost daily if not daily. He does not get home from work until 10pm. I typically go to bed around 11 or 12 because I have 2 children and as any mother knows they get up early! He sits up until 3 and 4 in the morning and I have my ways of knowing he has watched porn. Plus I keep an eye on his porn stash. I notice he usually gets (rents) 3-6 dvds atleast once a week. We have discussed this issue before and he says that he never knows when I am in the mood but I did explain to him that I dont just walk around in the mood all the time but that does not mean that I don't want it. I have explaind to him how to get me in the mood. I even asked that he atleast come lay down with me when I go to bed in hopes that would help get something started, I even told him he could get back up rather than asking him to lay w me and go to sleep afterwards if thats what he wanted to do. He wont even come lay with me. When we discussed this prior he says the porn is just "entertainment" and that he does not even get off on it. So why even watch it? We have gotten to the point of only having sex once a month, if that! I feel as if he is not physically attracted to me and I even told him that. Still nothing...he swears that he is physically/sexual attracted to me bit that he just doesn't want to bother me. I have told him he isn't bothering me or that I want him to "bother" me. It still isn't working. How many times do I have to say it or have this discussion w him w out seeing a difference before I just give up and move on w my life. An unhealthy or lack of a sex life in our relationship is not a healthy relationship to me. If we dont get it together soon I will have to end this relationship. I am suffering mentally. This takes a huge toll on my self-esteem and happiness. I feel as if he would rather watch porn than even try or attempt to have sex with me!!! Advice please?!?! He is a great person and I love him dearly but this is killing me!


Answers


Chemar
835 days ago
Porn is addictive and it seems he is hooked. I personally would not stay in a relationship where my partner was more interested in porn than in me.

He is also being dishonest in saying he does not "get off" on it as you have remarked...why then is he spending so much time with it. I know others may disagree with me, but IMHO his "affair" with porn is a form of unfaithfulness to you. He is forcing you to have an unhealthy relationship, and you may as well be alone for the lack of love, affection and lack of basic sensitivity that he is showing toward you.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh...but that is how it comes across from what you have posted!

You could try asking him to attend relationship counseling with you to see if anything can be salvaged.....



Whatstheissue
835 days ago
Everything you said is exactly how I feel and have expressed those feelings to him also. He will attempt for a DAY or two then it goes right back to the way it was. Ive also told him how alone this makes me feel and that I need more affection but just as with every other talk we have he makes the attempt for a day or 2 then it goes back to the same. Thank you for your response! Your 2 options 1) leave 2) couples counseling are the exact 2words optikns I thought of on my own but I really wanted/needed an unbiassed opinion, so thank you!



bella
835 days ago
I agree with Chemar - he most likely IS getting off on the porn. Basically he's replacing sex with masturbation - the lazy or lonely man's sex. Porn naturally is stimulating visually and he's satisfied with that. I agree it either he agree to counseling or you need to get out of the relationship.

Another thing that can happen with men who watch porn too much is, they become desensitized and then they have difficulty have sex with their partner. Often the only way they can finally orgasm is, masturbating at the end. Porn can be very addicting and they often have to watch more tantalizing video images to get off.

Maybe if you explain this can be a bad side affect which could lead to impotency, he'll agree to counseling. He's neglecting you and he needs to put himself in your shoes - how would he feel if you watched and left him without any sexual intimacy.



Whatstheissue
835 days ago
Thank you both! I hate this because he is a great person, but obviously something is not clicking in his mind after the numerous talks we have already had.

When I have had talks prior he is all about making things better and really seems to care about me, but only changes for the day or 2 like I said previously. Im to the point of giving him an ultimatum. I think/hope if he sees that I would leave him he will actually make the change



Chemar
835 days ago
Remember, addiction has a strong pull and that is likely why you see those short periods where he tries, but then gets drawn back in. As with any addiction, he truly may need professional help to quit.