My husband and I went through a lot of counseling years ago after he had an affair. About five or six years ago, things began to get tense for us again. We had friends who were having problems and when my husband spent time with the other husband, he'd come home angry with me and lash out and yell. The other guy turned out to be a schizoid personality, as diagnosed by two therapists. He would constantly compare me to his (now ex) wife and get my husband riled up.

It grew worse until two years ago, my husband took a two week trip with the other man and didn't call or contact the family during his entire trip. During that time, I accidentally stumbled upon some incriminating sex paraphenalia in our shared office. The other guy had a history of using the same type of things. When my husband returned from the trip, i confronted him and told him to choose between the two of us because I would not be treated like that any longer. He agreed to not see the other guy any more.

Lately, I've noticed the same behaviors in my husband. he's been yelling at me a lot and is hypercritical. Finally, I asked if he'd been spending time with his old friend. After evading the subject, he finally said that I knew he had. My husband never outright said so but then proceeded to give excuses why he had to spend time with the guy. He has been spending time with him once a week for the past several months. I was hurt and angry. I accused him of being deceptive and sneaky and lying. He insisted he was none of the above.

Trust has been an issue for me since the affair but I have tried hard not to be suspicious or spy on my husband. Now, after all this time of rebuilding the initial trust, and then the issue a few years ago, I am feeling betrayed again.

My husband is a mental health therapist and sees a lot of folks for marital problems. He continues to insist that not telling me he was spending time with this guy is not deceitful nor lying. The fact that his behavior has changed recently is what clued me into it but he denies that as well.

I don't know what to do. I feel very hurt.


Answers


bella
1073 days ago
Hi Baltimore - I'm sorry you're having a marital troubles. The way you describe the relationship between your husband / this friend, almost sounds like you're saying they might be more than friends - is this what you're implying?? If your husbands a marital therapist, he shouldn't be so easily influenced by his friends opinions of you. Its kind of tricky when one partner tells the other they can't be friends with someone.

To start with, I don't think either of you can blame your husbands behavior on the friend - your husbands accountable for his own behavior. I realize your husband has the advantage since he's a therapist - maybe you should see a couples therapist, preferably not his choice. I hope you both can work your problems out.



Baltimore
1073 days ago
They aren't more than just friends, they have just shared a "common interest" that isn't healthy for married relationships. Yes, I know it is a tricky thing, but for being a therapist, he is easily sucked in by this guy. He was my husband's only male friend for several years. And, yes my husband has an advantage. he knows how to manipulate a conversation. I've tried to get him to see a couples therapist again, but the problem is we know everyone for miles around and he definitely won't let me choose who it will be. The last one he chose, about fifteen years ago, ice, waggled the therapist's own wedding ring at me and made me genuinely uncomfortable by telling me what chair I HAD to sit in and to look at his own wedding ring and check out his dream related artwork. It didn't seem to have much to do with my own marriage.

And yes, I know he shouldn't be influenced, but he only treats me like this when he spends time with the guy. His friend is a psychologist, though he kind of bombed out of a state level job by not getting some testing right. ( a kid was killed by an adult he said was safe to be with) I have a lot of therapist friends, since that is the circle we hang with, but this guy is extremely talented in manipulation. I'm not the only person who sees it, only my husband seems to not notice. Other friends, my adult children, my brother, even a friend with a brain injury picked up on how the guy subtly trashes women, and his ex wife and me in particular. I'm just not sure how to get my husband back into counseling with me and even then, once we are there, he is himself an expert in leading the discussions to his advantage. I don't have a lot of hope that we can find a situation with a therapist that will work out fairly.



bella
1073 days ago
Sounds like a tough situation. How long have you been married to your husband?? I'm surprised your husband doesn't realize how manipulative this friend is. If this guy trashes you, then I can understand why you wouldn't expect him to be friends because often friends share similar opinions. I suppose you need to figure out if this is a deal breaker for the relationship.



Baltimore
1073 days ago
We've been married 25 years. What seems like a deal breaker is that once I begin to trust him again, and it takes time to build it back up after a betrayal, then he does something that seems deceptive. The denial makes it so much more hurtful. If I had been seeing someone who dislikes him, behind his back, I'm sure he'd be mad as hell. It is very hard to be married to a therapist. He comes home drained from talking about other people's problems all day and then sits in front of the tv and drinks wine. He has no idea who our kids' friends are, what their schedules are, or even what I talked to him about yesterday. He claims "being braindead." I understand his job is stressful, but that excuse is getting mighty old. Our oldest son hasn't spoken to us in six months after my husband took away an item he had borrowed. My other kids are constantly angry with him and tell him he never listens, but it doesn't seem to do any good. He puts on his therapist smile and changes the subject. I guess, as I type, there are a lot more problems, but I just don't know what to do.



bella
1073 days ago
It sounds like your husband is emotionally unavailable and I'm sorry. I also know it hurts like hell to be cheated on. I wish I could offer you a solution but we're here to listen though. You can also join the forum section by clicking on Community at the top of the page. They have many different forums and the relationship forum would be good for your problem.