My name is Nichole and I am a 20 year old female.
for the past 2 years I've experienced hatred towards my mind. Here is why:
-I experience very dramatic emotional highs and lows.
-I tend to talk to the people I imagine in my head. Sometimes what they tell me I don't want to hear, sometimes I "forget" that they aren't real and when I see that person I'm angry with them for saying that to me. I have many conversations with many different people, but 85% of the time its in my head.
-My dreams and daydreams tend to blend into reality. Most of the time I cant figure out if I just daydreamed it or if it actually happened.
-I get lost countless times throughout the day. But somehow I still get through work, even though half the time I wasn't there.
-I get paranoid and feel like someone is trying to hurt me. I stopped eating at home because the last time I did I got very sick and believe my step father is poisoning me. its been 7 months since I've eaten at home. And I haven't been sick, so I think I'm right.
-I stopped watching MTV years ago because every time I turn it on one of the hosts say something I said the previous day. I feel like they're watching me and using the things I say to get ratings, but there not paying me. So I stopped using land line phones and only talk on my cell for mins at a time always watching what I say.
-I can't concentrate, I can't even finish a book. I try to, I try to pick up a book but the words just melt together and i get frustrated and put it down. Lately I haven't been able to finish sentences, forgetting the simplest of words.
-I get angry at my boyfriend because I feel like he's cheating on me, or about to. So when he leaves me alone in his room I read his e-mails just to make sure. I've deleted his ex girlfriend from his cell and friends list, but I know that if he wanted to see her he would. I spend everyday with him but still feel like he goes to see her.
I feel like everyday I just sink deeper and deeper into the darkness of my mind. I want to tell someone, everyone I work with tells me Im crazy but no one really knows what happens on the inside. I cry because I don't understand whats going on, and yet I feel like this is normal. Like I should just grind my teeth and get over it. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I want to live, but I do wish death upon others with out any remorse. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I feel nothing when I say it, Nothing...
I guess I just want to know if anyone else has
any of these feelings?
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