Hi,
I will try to keep this brief as possible but be forewarned it is going to be long. I am a 21 year old female if that helps at all. So my problem is that everyone I know thinks I’m crazy. To varying degrees, and they don’t think I’m dangerous or anything but my family is convinced I’m schizophrenic. I don’t think so, and I really, really hope there is nothing wrong with me and they are all just paranoid.
My family has never asked me to get tested but they all just assume. For instance: my brother when he was going to introduce his fiancé to our family, he actually warned her beforehand that I am unofficially crazy but in an ‘eccentric’ way so not to be worried. Seriously? I’m not that bad. I’ve had several friends stop and ask me trying to be supportive, that ‘if I was schizophrenic it would be okay, that I could trust them -so was I?’ I mean everyone jokes around that people they know are crazy but mine actually believes I am, so I was hoping someone could tell me what you think.
I’ve has some issues with anxiety. In high-school I had to take correspondence math because I kept having panic attacks. I had them in science class too- but I just skipped those. My doctor gave me some Lorazepam but it didn’t really help. In first year university I had it really bad and I couldn’t go to class near the end. I flunked out and that was when I figured I needed to find a way to deal with it. I haven’t had them really since. I took a year off and am back in school now. I’ve had them a couple times but not nearly so bad – it is manageable and if I start getting stressed I go to an anonymous group downtown for social anxiety. I just listen as I’m not sure that’s what I have but it’s comforting.
I’ve also had a few problems in the more recent years with minor delusions I guess. In high-school there was an incident where I dreamt a day had happened- so the next day when I woke up I thought it was the day after. I also thought my friend was mad at me because in my dream we had a fight. When I looked at the date I realised what must have happened- it freaked me out but I apologised to my friend for my odd behaviour and it didn’t happen again. I’ve more recently had issues where I could have something happened in TV. I was really excited and told my family what happened etc. Then it turns out it was just in my head. They all looked at me really odd and I was really embarrassed. Other times are just things like we went to CA Wonderland with my niece and nephew and when we went to leave I couldn’t find the car. I thought we had driven a blue van [ I remember the details and everything] but apparently no one in our family owns such a van and we had taken a totally different car. Freaky but no biggy. It doesn’t happen that often and it’s never been anything terrible, but it does make me worry a bit.
I’ve heard someone calling me before when no one was there and little things like that too but I’ve never heard like voices telling me to burn things. I do have conversations in my head a lot, but I am aware the different voices are all me. Like I’ll make one British or something or one of them is a guy and another is a girl etc, but it’s like I’m debating in my head with myself. I give them different voices as they are taking different sides of the argument. Or if I do something stupid I‘ll have a voice in my head say like ‘nice going Einstein, they are all in awe of your genius now...’ but I know it’s just me.
I sometimes have trouble expressing myself. When I try to explain something, others find it difficult to follow my train of thoughts. I used to have trouble following the way other people thought but I practiced and got better at it. You know that game ‘Catch Phrase’? I LOVE it but I can only play partnered with my sister as she is the only one who usually understands how I think. I think I’m awesome and can get them to guess my clues. I figure I am just more in tune with thinking of ways I could get my partner to guess and they don’t really think about me, just clues that they themselves would understand.
The biggest issue I have is with time and space. I have a lot of trouble being able to tell how much time has gone by and I forget where I am a lot. More than normal. I just don’t understand how people can tell. I can count and if I’m really focused can tell you ex when 30 seconds goes by but sometimes I ‘zone’ I guess and lose track of time. I’ll sort of wander off in my head and 3 hours will go by where I was just thinking/daydreaming. I also have no internal map. I can’t tell you directions or the general direction of anything unless I have a map [and even then I have trouble reading maps....]. Sometimes when I’m with a friend or family and we go shopping I forget what city I’m in. I pay more attention when I’m by myself but I can’t drive so there is really only one city I can be in lol.
I also have a touching issue. It started in high-school but I don’t really like to be touched. I’ve gotten better [mostly because it makes my mom sad] but I am not really good at giving hugs etc. I sort of have gotten used to going out of my way to avoid contact. My dad used to like touch my knee or something like that [nothing creepy, just normal] when I was younger and I remember wanting to scream and rage because it was driving me crazy. If I’m having a bad day sometimes I have a bit of a freak out if my shirt or something is touching me, I know there is no logic behind it, I just don’t like it. Except for kids. I really like kids and I can give them hugs etc no problem. I don’t really think about it. At the end of high-school there was this party and I wasn’t raped exactly. I was really drunk and my friend left me in a tent with this guy. I found out later he was drunk and high [I also found out he sold drugs...man can I choose them]. I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him and said no when he kept pushing but I sort of blacked-out. I was on my period and I don’t think anything happened. I had wanted to stop and wasn’t enjoying it but I figured I should get him off [orally] first. Other people came in and didn’t exactly watch, but didn’t leave and he sort-of kept pushing my head down. Some people teased me the next day and my friend later asked if he treated me alright and was it my first time [which it would have been] but I don’t think anything happened. I had weird cuts on my legs [presumably from his keys] but I don’t remember so I can’t be sure. I had blood tests taken and I was clean and all that but I was super embarrassed and never told anyone because who doesn’t know if they had sex?! ANYWAYS the point of that tidbit is that my family also thinks I was raped [they don’t know about the party or anything, they just think I act like it I guess?], but I didn’t like to be touched before that happened. It was a little worse for a while but I don’t think that adventure really has affected me that much.
The last part of my drama is that I don’t really have friends. I still keep in touch with a friend from high-school and I have people I know and are sort-of friends with now but I’m not close with anyone- just my family. I don’t really have a support system. I love my family but I don’t exactly trust them if you know what I mean. They can be kind of vicious, they don’t mean to be though exactly. It’s just the way we are. They gossip about each other and are incredibly judgmental. My mom and dad would help me if I ever really needed it but they would do it sort of to have a hold over me and because my mom does things because she is obligated to. I know they love me, but I doubt my mom likes me. My dad thinks I’m like his mom and has an Oedipus complex. They don’t really know me and I don’t tell them when I have a problem because no one really in our family does. They are concerned about my lack of friends though. I just have a problem connecting with people and trusting them. I am friendly and can fake liking someone, it’s not that I’m terrible awkward, it’s more that I don’t really relate to others. Plus when you first meet someone you don’t tell them all the horrible details of your life because that would scare them off. You have to know them for years to be able to trust them and know you can count on them. I just haven’t met anyone I can relate to on a personal level and I don’t have any group interests. I like to read and draw. I like to dream and watch psychological thrillers. Maybe I should post an add on kijiji. I am happy by myself. It might be nice to have a close friend to talk to and bounce ideas off of, but I am not crying myself to sleep at night.
So basically I don’t think I’m that strange. I have issues but these are the ones that people keep pointing out. So what do you think? Am I crazy?



Answers


bella
1309 days ago
Hi wrightkh - personally I don't like to use the word 'crazy' - to me it brings up a negative stereotypical view of mental illness. I think it's unfair of your family to view you this way (especially your brother), but not make sure you be evaluated properly.

I agree it sounds like social anxiety/panic attacks at the beginning of your post. I think the best thing for you to do is take this post to your doctor and get a thorough psychological evaluation. Anytime a person gets this confused and loses track of time, they should find out why. We're not doctors so we can't tell you if this is schizophrenia and its wrong of your family to say you are and not get help for it.

Regarding the sexual incident - I believe strongly in empowerment of women. Next time you're in an awkward situation(hopefully you won't be) don't give into pressure from a pushy man.

Instead of wondering and having your family call you mentally ill - it's better to get an accurate assessment and get treatment, so you won't have incidents like this. Have you used any illegal drugs like marijuana? Pot and some of these new substances can bring on psychotic symptoms in some people. Make an appointment and get the help you deserve. Best of luck.



wrightkh
1309 days ago
Hi Bella,

Thanks for your reply. I can’t believe you read all that!

I know I should make an appointment, I'm just torn I guess. On one hand if I go and it's nothing, my doctor is going to think I'm a hypochondriac and whiny; If I go and it actually is something well- that's a whole new can of worms, you know? If I don't go, it will always bother me I suppose. Damned if you do, damned if you don't sort of situation.

I have never done any pot or anything like that. Once I took some of my friends meds- they were for anxiety and I was having a panic attack. I used to drink a lot but stopped after the party. I still have the occasional cooler to nurse at ex. New Years but I've never been drunk again.

I think I will go see the doctor sometime this summer probably and bring it up. Thank you for your support :]

-kat



fastoldbiker
1309 days ago
Well, I’m no Doc but you sound perfectly ok to me! In fact I bet there are a lot of people out there that would treasure your company. You sound interesting, lateral trains of thought, intelligent. I don’t really know how you define eccentric. Some people say that of me, but I think I am perfectly normal. What is normal? Don’t worry about it!

Every week when I go shopping, I forget where I parked my car; sometimes if we go in my son’s car I still start to look for my own! Sometimes when I’m driving, I think ‘where am I going again?’

Everybody talks to themselves in their head. Sometimes I argue with myself – I can never seem to win..... I also talk to myself in different accents, doesn’t everybody??

Well done for going back to school – that is very positive. I can remember when I was much younger at school, because I wasn’t particularly happy, I used to try and dissociate myself from reality. Sometimes I used to dream, and then a few days or weeks later I wasn’t quite sure if it had happened in reality or not. I also used to dissociate because of severe anxiety, it was a way of coping. So I suppose being like that led to some gray areas sometimes! Living in the twilight zone! The mind can play weird tricks at times, you should laugh about it.

Don’t worry about all these things, it is only your personality, what makes you, you – it only makes you more interesting, certainly not crazy!

BTW, I’ve also had the thing about dreaming about a TV series, and then weeks later not sure if I dreamt it or seen it! Oh well!

Okay you made a mistake at a party, but hopefully you have learned your lesson to stay in control. It wasn’t very nice of your ‘friends’ to leave you in that condition. When you are not in control, ie drunk, there will always be some guy trying to take advantage. Remember that men are hunters and women are hunted – usually. Don’t let your guard down, or your pants.

The fact that you do not like being touched, perhaps may be a self-protection issue, or the fact that you do not let anybody into your head, why should they then be allowed to touch you? Perhaps you do not trust adults because you THINK that you cannot relate; but it just sounds like your environment that you live in may have produced that thought pattern? It is sometimes easier to communicate with children because usually they are more honest and less complex ie no hidden agenda. They can say things without giving much thought to the implications of what they are saying. Children also usually possess good imagination, something that sadly can be left to diminish when we get older; but absolutely should not. We should all day-dream, have hopes and wishes.

Okay you may not have many friends at the moment, but eventually you will find people that you can relate to, as long as you socialise at least to a degree with people around you at school or leisure activities.

Are you crazy? You sound as well adjusted as me....

Best wishes x

Bella - sorry for using the word 'crazy' - I agree that some people use it in a negative context. However sometimes I use it in a positive context to describe someone who may be spontaneous, exciting, thinks outside of the box, wild and lively imagination - all positive attributes. But I take your point.



wrightkh
1309 days ago
Hi Fastoldbiker,

Thank you for your reply!

Your comment made me smile. I can never seem to win either! I never thought of zoning as a way of coping before :] but it makes sense.

I feel much better after your and Bella’s comments. I appreciate your generosity of spirit and of course the compliments don’t hurt either! Were you as disappointed as I was that your shows didn’t work out the way it did in your head? I definitely liked mine better!

I definitely learned my lesson from the party and I guess I will just have to work on the touching thing. After Bella’s comment I think I will go see the doctor just so I can know definitively, but I am mostly positive I am just making a big deal out of nothing. Thank you again!

-kat



bella
1309 days ago
No offense taken if crazy is used in a light hearted way Fastoldbiker :)



fastoldbiker
1309 days ago
You are very welcome Kat :)



toni_m
1278 days ago
you are a adult survivor of dysfuctional parents who didn't give you the proper fundamentals to bloom to what is considered normal.



wrightkh2
1101 days ago
Hello Toni m,

This is kat - I just can't log into my old account so I made a new one! Thanks for listening and caring enough to comment :] I suppose my parents are a bit dysfunctional and neurotic ha ha, but they did their best for me. In hind sight I'm pretty sure I wasn't the easiest kid to handle lol. I'll admit when I was younger I didn't particularly understand why they acted the way they did all the time but I've come to accept they are just people. Being parents didn't magically erase their faults or make them necessarily better people, but I know they love me.



jrb14963
1176 days ago
Hey, Wrighttkh I know its been a while since you posted this but u still might get this. From what you describe it kinda sounds like you may be autistic or some form of genius. But you could just have an overactive mind, in any case there's nothing wrong with that. I've always been "weird", eccentric and very much to myself. When I was 22 I almost joined the military and discovered I was a genius. I definetly got the crazy hair lol. You just may be a genius, it comes in many forms, their are people who are physical genius' but have around average intelligence ..not all genius' are math wiz's, I myself can't spell for sh*t, All are a bit weird and a lot of them just seem crazy. I get that a lot people alway's think I'm nuts. A lot of the psychosis you describe sound much like what genius' experiance, for the longest time I thought I was just crazy, but the strange things in my mind and thought processes are just part of what I am. My advise, try not to worry about what people think about you, it may get fustrating at times but just take a deep breath n let it go. Also take a multi vitamin and omega 3 fish oil, those alone might help you stay in better balance and not get so spacey and lost, eat right too it plays a big part on your thought process and anxiety, get some exercise as well again will do wonders to help you feel less anxious, I got so bad I had to force myself to the gym in the beginning of the year, I was shaking so much everyone thought i was on crack lmao, but Im way better now. any how if you ever need to talk I got two ears and am very understanding, to so called crazy people, send me a message if you ever need an unbiased ear. N btw my mom was skitzo, some of the stuff u described fits that catagory but the fact your so aware of it I seriously doubt you are. Take care



wrightkh2
1101 days ago
Hello jrb14963,

This is Kat - I forgot my password so I made a new account! I check every once in a blue moon mostly because everyone was so incredibly supportive and it makes my day every time I check back and read the comments :] That's very cool that you're a genius, and I took your advice with the vitamins and I am going to work out an exorcize schedule now as well. I should have done that sooner but I am super lazy! I will definitely start if it will help with my ummm issues/spaciness. I'm not sure I would describe myself as a genius lol as I am not particularly talented at anything unfortunately. But that's okay too, what I lack in skill I suppose I make up for in imagination - hence the spaciness most likely ha ha. People have thought I was on drugs too, but a combination of mushrooms and cocaine were always what they thought I was on. Something about a chaotic air around me but I myself always appeared very mellow if that makes any sense lmao. I really appreciate your comment though! It made my day :] Perhaps I may take you up on your offer, and I am a fairly good listener as well if you ever need to talk or vent as well. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to post it, but my email is wrightkh@gmail.com if you ever need a friendly ear!



hellodere
755 days ago
Hey wright, I hope you still read this. I read your text and strongly believe you are a bright woman with a lot of potential. Also noted some interesting similaries, Matter of fact, I'm so convinced we should have a chat that I signed in this page just to get this message through!Long time after the last posts, but I Hope that You Will get this message and are willing to find a way to talk more. Take care everyone :)