I will try to keep this brief as possible but be forewarned it is going to be long. I am a 21 year old female if that helps at all. So my problem is that everyone I know thinks I’m crazy. To varying degrees, and they don’t think I’m dangerous or anything but my family is convinced I’m schizophrenic. I don’t think so, and I really, really hope there is nothing wrong with me and they are all just paranoid.
My family has never asked me to get tested but they all just assume. For instance: my brother when he was going to introduce his fiancé to our family, he actually warned her beforehand that I am unofficially crazy but in an ‘eccentric’ way so not to be worried. Seriously? I’m not that bad. I’ve had several friends stop and ask me trying to be supportive, that ‘if I was schizophrenic it would be okay, that I could trust them -so was I?’ I mean everyone jokes around that people they know are crazy but mine actually believes I am, so I was hoping someone could tell me what you think.
I’ve has some issues with anxiety. In high-school I had to take correspondence math because I kept having panic attacks. I had them in science class too- but I just skipped those. My doctor gave me some Lorazepam but it didn’t really help. In first year university I had it really bad and I couldn’t go to class near the end. I flunked out and that was when I figured I needed to find a way to deal with it. I haven’t had them really since. I took a year off and am back in school now. I’ve had them a couple times but not nearly so bad – it is manageable and if I start getting stressed I go to an anonymous group downtown for social anxiety. I just listen as I’m not sure that’s what I have but it’s comforting.
I’ve also had a few problems in the more recent years with minor delusions I guess. In high-school there was an incident where I dreamt a day had happened- so the next day when I woke up I thought it was the day after. I also thought my friend was mad at me because in my dream we had a fight. When I looked at the date I realised what must have happened- it freaked me out but I apologised to my friend for my odd behaviour and it didn’t happen again. I’ve more recently had issues where I could have something happened in TV. I was really excited and told my family what happened etc. Then it turns out it was just in my head. They all looked at me really odd and I was really embarrassed. Other times are just things like we went to CA Wonderland with my niece and nephew and when we went to leave I couldn’t find the car. I thought we had driven a blue van [ I remember the details and everything] but apparently no one in our family owns such a van and we had taken a totally different car. Freaky but no biggy. It doesn’t happen that often and it’s never been anything terrible, but it does make me worry a bit.
I’ve heard someone calling me before when no one was there and little things like that too but I’ve never heard like voices telling me to burn things. I do have conversations in my head a lot, but I am aware the different voices are all me. Like I’ll make one British or something or one of them is a guy and another is a girl etc, but it’s like I’m debating in my head with myself. I give them different voices as they are taking different sides of the argument. Or if I do something stupid I‘ll have a voice in my head say like ‘nice going Einstein, they are all in awe of your genius now...’ but I know it’s just me.
I sometimes have trouble expressing myself. When I try to explain something, others find it difficult to follow my train of thoughts. I used to have trouble following the way other people thought but I practiced and got better at it. You know that game ‘Catch Phrase’? I LOVE it but I can only play partnered with my sister as she is the only one who usually understands how I think. I think I’m awesome and can get them to guess my clues. I figure I am just more in tune with thinking of ways I could get my partner to guess and they don’t really think about me, just clues that they themselves would understand.
The biggest issue I have is with time and space. I have a lot of trouble being able to tell how much time has gone by and I forget where I am a lot. More than normal. I just don’t understand how people can tell. I can count and if I’m really focused can tell you ex when 30 seconds goes by but sometimes I ‘zone’ I guess and lose track of time. I’ll sort of wander off in my head and 3 hours will go by where I was just thinking/daydreaming. I also have no internal map. I can’t tell you directions or the general direction of anything unless I have a map [and even then I have trouble reading maps....]. Sometimes when I’m with a friend or family and we go shopping I forget what city I’m in. I pay more attention when I’m by myself but I can’t drive so there is really only one city I can be in lol.
I also have a touching issue. It started in high-school but I don’t really like to be touched. I’ve gotten better [mostly because it makes my mom sad] but I am not really good at giving hugs etc. I sort of have gotten used to going out of my way to avoid contact. My dad used to like touch my knee or something like that [nothing creepy, just normal] when I was younger and I remember wanting to scream and rage because it was driving me crazy. If I’m having a bad day sometimes I have a bit of a freak out if my shirt or something is touching me, I know there is no logic behind it, I just don’t like it. Except for kids. I really like kids and I can give them hugs etc no problem. I don’t really think about it. At the end of high-school there was this party and I wasn’t raped exactly. I was really drunk and my friend left me in a tent with this guy. I found out later he was drunk and high [I also found out he sold drugs...man can I choose them]. I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him and said no when he kept pushing but I sort of blacked-out. I was on my period and I don’t think anything happened. I had wanted to stop and wasn’t enjoying it but I figured I should get him off [orally] first. Other people came in and didn’t exactly watch, but didn’t leave and he sort-of kept pushing my head down. Some people teased me the next day and my friend later asked if he treated me alright and was it my first time [which it would have been] but I don’t think anything happened. I had weird cuts on my legs [presumably from his keys] but I don’t remember so I can’t be sure. I had blood tests taken and I was clean and all that but I was super embarrassed and never told anyone because who doesn’t know if they had sex?! ANYWAYS the point of that tidbit is that my family also thinks I was raped [they don’t know about the party or anything, they just think I act like it I guess?], but I didn’t like to be touched before that happened. It was a little worse for a while but I don’t think that adventure really has affected me that much.
The last part of my drama is that I don’t really have friends. I still keep in touch with a friend from high-school and I have people I know and are sort-of friends with now but I’m not close with anyone- just my family. I don’t really have a support system. I love my family but I don’t exactly trust them if you know what I mean. They can be kind of vicious, they don’t mean to be though exactly. It’s just the way we are. They gossip about each other and are incredibly judgmental. My mom and dad would help me if I ever really needed it but they would do it sort of to have a hold over me and because my mom does things because she is obligated to. I know they love me, but I doubt my mom likes me. My dad thinks I’m like his mom and has an Oedipus complex. They don’t really know me and I don’t tell them when I have a problem because no one really in our family does. They are concerned about my lack of friends though. I just have a problem connecting with people and trusting them. I am friendly and can fake liking someone, it’s not that I’m terrible awkward, it’s more that I don’t really relate to others. Plus when you first meet someone you don’t tell them all the horrible details of your life because that would scare them off. You have to know them for years to be able to trust them and know you can count on them. I just haven’t met anyone I can relate to on a personal level and I don’t have any group interests. I like to read and draw. I like to dream and watch psychological thrillers. Maybe I should post an add on kijiji. I am happy by myself. It might be nice to have a close friend to talk to and bounce ideas off of, but I am not crying myself to sleep at night.
So basically I don’t think I’m that strange. I have issues but these are the ones that people keep pointing out. So what do you think? Am I crazy?
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