I've been trying for weeks to get the courage to tell my mom that i need help. Professional help. I just so afraid of what she will say. Or worse, what she would think. She will probably think “Oh great i have another fucked up kid to deal with.” I want to tell her these things but i can’t seem to find the words to do so. She will ask me details of whats wrong. And i’ll have to tell her that i am having suicidal thoughts again and have been burning myself again. I can just see the look on her face right now. Disappointment which will be barely masked by sadness. She might send me away. Maybe that will be a good thing. To be able to get away from everything.everyone. I’m also just so scared she will think i am only doing this for attention or because my older bother went through the same thing. How he was in and out of rehab a few times. I am just hurting on the inside and i can't remember the last time i actually felt happy. Sometimes i feel like i am okay and that i am happy then something happens to sen me off again. My boyfriend and i just broke up and that threw me off even worse then i was. It made it ten times worse. I can't talk to my friends about this because they say i'm not trying hard enough to be happy or they just plain don't understand. Sometimes i want to eat like a ton of food and some days i can't even bring myself to look at food. sometimes i sleep of hours. I mean like i fall asleep at 11 and wake up at nine but am psychically unable to get up out of bed. But then some nights i don't sleep at all and i am just wake mind racing unable to calm my wandering thoughts. I'm not suicidal i just have suicidal thoughts. I'm to afraid to actually go through with it.
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